Kaitlyn's baby brother

Kaitlyn, your baby brother, Matthew, has arrived! He was born on April 7th, 2010 at 12:59 am. You were born at 11:53pm, I guess both my babies like arriving at night. He's now 1 month old. He looks just like your dad. Looking at him and watching him change every day makes me think about you and wonder about what you would have looked like. I still think you would have looked more like me. I think about your personality and how you would grow into an adorable toddler, a loving, fun kid, a precocious pre-teen, a fun but challenging teen, and a responsible, but fun-loving adult. I'm sure we would have grown to be great friends as well as mother and daughter.

We talk about you to your brother often. We have your pictures hanging in our bedroom and your brother likes to stare at your pictures. We tell him about what it was like to be pregnant with you and to hold you. We tell him that you are in Heaven with Jesus and that you are happier than we could imagine.

I was filling out the government newborn registration for your brother and there was a question asking how many live births and how many stillbirths I had had. The next box asked me how many children I had and I was instructed to add the live births with the stillbirths. So the government includes you as my child. That was such a great feeling to type the number 2 into the box asking how many children I had.

I think about you often, and miss you every day. The anniversary of your due date just passed on May 5th. We should have been celebrating your first birthday around this time. I'm sure you would have loved to squish the birthday cake into your face and through your fingers. We would have taken many pictures to show at your wedding one day.

I wish I could have kissed your beautiful face. Your little brother has the chubbiest cheeks that I love to kiss and I bet you would have had those kissable cheeks as well. I miss you so much, my angel, and I'll be blowing you kisses so make sure to catch them and because they are special kisses just for you.

Getting close!

Tomorrow I'll be 35 weeks pregnant...only 5 weeks to go! I'm getting so excited to meet my little boy, but as I get closer to my due date, I'm missing Kaitlyn more and more. Lately, I've been feeling like I haven't been giving her any attention. Her little box is on my nightstand and I have to say her name out loud, just to remind myself that I also have a daughter. She seems to be getting further away from me, and it makes me so sad. Today, I had an overwhelming need to look at her pictures. The ones that were taken at the hospital. I wanted to look at her beautiful face and tiny hands. We have some pictures of us holding her up in our bedroom, but I needed to see her actual face. I needed that reminder that she was here.

My aunts and my mom threw me a wonderful baby shower a few weeks ago. I was so excited about that shower. It was such a huge milestone in this pregnancy and there were so many people there to share my joy with. I had such a great time and Matthew got lots of great stuff. I can't wait to dress him in the little outfits he got. A piece of me missed seeing little girl dresses and pink decorations. It was another event that I never got to share with Kaitlyn.

I must admit, there still is some guilt when I miss Kaitlyn. I want her here with me, but I also want my little boy Matthew here too. Why can't I have both of them? Lately, I have been getting some baby items off of craigslist for Matthew. So, of course, whenever I meet up with someone to purchase and item, they always ask if this is my first. I've taken to saying "yes", since I'm only there for a couple of minutes, but I still dread that question and I still feel a stab in my heart whenever I answer with "yes". I just want to keep Kaitlyn's memory alive.

Taking the time to look at Kaitlyn's pictures and talking about her, definitely helps. I just miss my beautiful girl so much and as the memories become a bit foggier, I just want to hold on tighter to what I have of her. I never want to forget my first born baby. I miss her so much!

Happy 1st Birthday, Kaitlyn

Happy Birthday Kaitlyn! I can't believe it's been an entire year since we last saw you and felt you. You were born at 11:43 pm on January 17tyh, 2009. I was so grateful to be able to spend so much time with you after you were born. You were held by lots of people, and loved by many more. You were so tiny and delicate, yet perfect and beautiful. You are a blessing in our lives and we think about you every day.

You dad and I have been thinking and planning for your 1st birthday for a while. It's hard to know what to do. We are celebrating your short life and remembering the day we spent with you. But we are also missing you and missing all the birthday parties you would have had.

Your dad and I just spent the day together, thinking of you. You were the first thought in our mind this morning. We decided to make you a cake, with pink frosting, of course. We also spent the day just out and about, then we enjoyed dinner together, and we talked about you. We came home and I made a rainbow sprinkle cake with pink frosting. I iced the cake when it was still warm, so the icing slipped down, but it was still delicious. I can imagine that you would have smashed the cake all over your face, and we would have taken so many pictures.....perhaps to show at your wedding.

We took out all your pictures and held your tiny hat and we read over the poems and sermons that were read at your Celebration of Life. We also looked at your Certificate of Dedication, which was given to us after Pastor Gary dedicated you on January 18th, 2009. I miss you soooo much, Kaitlyn. I love seeing your beautiful face, but it also breaks my heart that I can't kiss that face. Chris and I cried together, missing our beautiful baby girl, but it felt good to cry and to miss you. It's just another reminder of how deep and real our love for you is.

Your little brother kicked a few times while we were looking at your things. I think he was wishing you a happy birthday.

We love you, sweet girl, and there is never a day that goes by where we don't think of you.

Love always and forever,
your mommy and daddy

January 15th

One year ago today, my world came crashing down. I had my 24 week appt. with my midwife at 9:30am. I remember I hadn't been feeling movement, but I had blamed it on having an anterior placenta. The appt. went well, until they tried to find Kaitlyn's heartbeat. It was silent. I couldn't hear the distinct thumping of Kaitlyn's heart as I had at previous appt's. I'm so glad Chris was with me. I was staring at the ceiling, praying that they would find her heartbeat. An appt. was made to get an ultrasound at 4 pm that day. So Chris and I headed home. I was in tears, but Chris was hopeful that everything would be okay. As soon as I walked in the door, I burst into tears and hugged my mom and told her they couldn't find an heartbeat. My midwife called and told me to go straight to the hospital because it would be agony to wait until 4pm. I remember arriving at the hospital with Chris. The midwife met us there and hooked up a fetal monitor, but all we could hear was my own heartbeat, Kaitlyn's was silent. I had an ultrasound scheduled for 1pm, but the midwife was able to get the oncall OB to bring in a portable ultrasound machine. My mom, dad, and pastor came in before the ultrasound machine arrived. Well, he put that jelly on my stomach and we saw my beautiful Kaitlyn, and we could see her heart, and it was still. We all knew it was over. And the OB said those fateful words...."There's her heartsac, but unfortunately, it's not beating. " It confirmed what I already knew, but was denying. Chris and I held each other and cried. I think everyone else in the room cried along with us.

That was the worst moment of my life. I went down for the ultrasound at 1pm and my midwife came with me. The ultrasound tech was quiet and took all the necessary measurements. I wish I had asked to see her on the screen, but I didn't think I could handle it again. My midwife said that according to the measurements Kaitlyn had passed away a couple weeks ago. I didn't want to know exactly when, because I knew I would replay those days over and over again in my head and try to see if I could have done something different.

We made arrangements to come back the following day to be induced. When we got home, I was numb. I just sat in an armchair in a haze. Then Trevor came home and I had to tell him we lost Kaitlyn. Everyone watched a movie that night as a distraction, but I know I couldn't focus on it. Before bed, I had to pack my hospital bag...14 weeks earlier than I had planned to. I laid in bed that night, praying for a miracle, holding Kaitlyn inside me, not wanting to let her go. I don't think I slept more then 2 hours that night.The next morning we went to the hospital to be induced.

The memory of that day is so clear. I try not to think about the details, because it is too painful. I can still hear the sound of the doppler and fetal monitor. I remember the feeling like my world was over. My dream was gone.

I've been so nervous about these 3 days. Jan 15th - Jan. 17th. I can't believe it's been a whole year. It sure doesn't feel like it. I still miss her so much everyday. I still think about her daily. I'm enjoying life again, but I still feel as though a piece of me is missing. I still feel the pain of losing my child, but it doesn't consume me anymore. I'm excited to be expecting our son in April and I've loved getting his nursery ready. I've been going through the baby items that were given to us when we were pregnant with Kaitlyn. There's lots of stuff that we can use with our boy, but there are a few pink items that I won't get to use. I pick up her stuffed animal and give it a hug almost everyday. There are some things that will always be just for her.

The Christmas Season

We made it through Christmas. And, overall, it was a great Christmas. We got to celebrate it with family and look forward to our new addition that will be with us next Christmas. There were many moments of tears and sadness and just missing my baby girl. I remembered last Christmas, where we talked about having Kaitlyn with us the next Christmas. I didn't realize how emotional I would get over the season. We have lots of Christmas ornaments for Kaitlyn. Last year, after Christmas I bought a picture frame ornament that I was going to put Kaitlyn's baby picture in for this year. We had lots of ornaments with Kaitlyn name on it, but I had bought it to put Kaitlyn's picture in so I put in one of her pictures that we took of her while we were in the hospital. It looks absolutely beautiful! It's not something that anyone else would notice unless it was pointed out to them, but I know she's there. Sometimes, I just stand at the tree and look at that picture. I don't want to take it down.

Throughout December, I was remembering the special moments we had last year with Kaitlyn. December 8th, was a special day. Last year it was the day of our "big" ultrasound. We found out that we were going to be having a little girl. The rest of the family was housesitting for a family friend so we called them up and told them that it was a girl! It was so exciting. We went over later that night to celebrate. I remember that ultrasound. The tech said that Kaitlyn was moving around a lot. This December 8th continued with special pregnancy moments. It was that day that Chris felt his baby boy move for the first time. I was lying on the couch and he was really active so I called Chris down and he put his hand on my belly and he got to feel a few good kicks! It was so exciting and special to share.

My brother Trevor and his wife Stephanie gave us a poem this Christmas that reminded them of Kaitlyn. It was so beautiful. Here it is:

My First Christmas in Heaven
-author unknown

I see countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your hear
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.


As I sit here and type this, the tears are pouring down and my heart aches, I just miss her so much. To be honest, I guess I didn't really understand why you would miss someone more at a certain time of year than throughout the year. But this year, I get it. There are memories that were made and were supposed to be made. Dreams that never happened. You just want to spend the season with everyone you love, and when someone is missing, there's hole that seems like it can't be filled.

I am so excited about our new baby boy, but I just miss my little girl so much. I'm glad she was still a part of my Christmas, as she will be every year.

Pregnancy joys and worries

It's been a while since I last posted. To be honest, I've been avoiding posting because it always brings up a lot of emotion. I'm now almost 23 weeks pregnant. This past month has been really tough. It was around this time when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn that I noticed I hadn't been feeling her move, but I just believed that it was due to having an anterior placenta. The hormones with pregnancy haven't been helping, but lately I've been thinking a lot about Kaitlyn. Many tears have fallen for her this past month. We still have her picture(s) because I like to remember her, but sometimes they can be hard to look at because there is so much emotion behind them.

We found out the gender of this baby and are excited to find out that it's a boy! Chris and I were shocked when the ultrasound tech told us. We both just expected another girl. I must admit, although I am excited that we are having a boy, there's a part of me that's sad that I'm not having a girl. I had been planning for a girl when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I had a nursery decorated in my head, I had plans and dreams of mother-daughter stuff. It was just a little hard to switch off that thinking and now start planning for a boy. I'm scared I won't know what to do with a boy. I think having a boy has helped me differentiate between the two pregnancies. Although, I still occasionally think that my due date is May 5th (as it was with Kaitlyn), instead of April 5th. And even when talking about our baby I occasionally slip up and call him "she". When that happens, I feel so guilty because I don't want this baby to think he's second to Kaitlyn or anything. We love this little guy so much!

Although this pregnancy has been going well, I still get quite anxious occasionally. Thankfully, my midwife has allowed me to come in every 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat and between ultrasound and specialist appt's I've has an appt. every week for a while. We have so many ultrasound pictures of our little man; I just wish we had more of Kaitlyn as well. This little guy has been pretty active as well. With Kaitlyn, I only felt a few kicks and I never got to really experience full out movement. With this pregnancy, I'm starting to feel lots of kicks, even though I have an anterior placenta again. Even with the kicks, I still get nervous that something may go wrong. For example, yesterday, our baby was way less active than he was the previous days. I know this is normal, but the worry started to come. Thankfully, I did feel a few kicks.

I've just recently started to actually plan for this baby. Chris and I went to our storage unit and brought out the baby stuff that we had for Kaitlyn. It was hard because Kaitlyn never got to use these items and I still imagine what she would have looked like in her little pick sleeper. But I've even allowed myself to consider registering for baby stuff, and I enjoy looking a baby stuff in the stores. I still get a pang of sadness when we walk by an adorable little dress that would have looked cute on Kaitlyn, but then I look for a cute outfit for a boy.

We still haven't picked out a name yet. I'm so glad we had Kaitlyn's name picked out early because it would have been to hard to think of a name right after she was born. I think Chris and I are both hoping a name will suddenly come to us, which is what happened with Kaitlyn, but I'm beginning to grow impatient because I want to call our baby by name. So I've started a list of names and we'll just pray about it.

I am definitely not naive about pregnancy anymore. Even though I know everything is going well with this pregnancy, I still know what could happen. I'm not blindly blissful through this journey, but I guess it really makes me appreciate this baby as well and even though I can't wait to meet our little guy, I'm taking the time to enjoy each and every kick, because they are so precious. I wish I could have experienced all the pregnancy joys with Kaitlyn, but I'm also glad I get to experience them now. It's still hard to not think about, what could be. Like I could be preparing for my first Christmas with a baby, but instead I'm pregnant for the second Christmas in a row. But this little guy will have his own Christmas tree ornament, just like Kaitlyn. Next Christmas we will be enjoying it with our baby.

Well, now Chris and I are parents of 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl. I just wish they could have known each other and played together. This little man will know that he has an older sister who is loved and missed. At this point, I have been waiting for over a year to hold my new baby in my arms, I've only got to wait another 17 weeks and my dream will finally come true.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

We all know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. We've seen the pink ribbons everywhere. Well, October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. These are two issues that I hold close to my heart. But people feel more comfortable discussing cancer, than they do talking about losing a baby. There's so many commercials and walks for breast cancer, but never have I seen a commercial and events supporting pregnancy and infant loss are kept quiet. I know the March of Dimes in the States is working on finding answers. Unfortunately, both issues are all too common. I just wanted to share some numbers with you. We all know that

• Approximately 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. (Possibly twice that many miscarriages happen before the woman realizes that she is pregnant, but of course these are difficult to track.) Of the number of women who miscarry, 20 percent will suffer recurring miscarriage.
• Approximately 1 in 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth, which is a miscarriage after 20 weeks gestation.
• Approximately 1 in 200 pregnancies end in neonatal death, when the baby dies before it is 28 days old.
• Approximately 1 in 400 babies die between the age of 28 days and 11 months.

These aren’t just statistics – these are people. I bet there are women around you who fall into one of these categories, and you may not even know it.

Yesterday, October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It’s a day to remember these babies and to light a candle in their memory. There is supposed to be a “wave of light” across the world; everyone is asked to burn a candle for one hour at 7 PM in their own time zone to keep the wave going.

I don't spend just one day thinking of Kaitlyn. I think of her everyday, but yesterday, was a special day for her. I have the candle from her memorial. I get to light that candle every year. And next year, her little brother or sister will be with us to light that candle.

I was hesitant to write anything on facebook about yesterday. People get uncomfortable talking about losing a baby, but how are we going to step past that taboo without talking about it. After posting an message on facebook...I was so encouraged to see that other people had learned about October 15th, and they lite a candle or were thinking about Kaitlyn as well. I love knowing how much she meant to others as well. So thank you to all those who participated and who knows, maybe that wave will be even brighter next year.

A Different Child

poem by Pandora MacMillian

People notice
There's a special glow around you.

You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Mother of 2

It's been a while since I've posted something. Overall, I'm doing pretty well. A pregnancy following a loss is soooo different from the innocence and naivety a pregnancy without the experience of a loss. I'll be honest, when I first found out I was excited, but quite scared. What if something happened? I've had a couple of breakdowns where I just cried, because I didn't want to lose this baby too, and for Kaitlyn. Once in a while, I feel a little guilty because I'm celebrating a new life, that could only be here because we lost Kaitlyn. And I still wish I had Kaitlyn with me, but that would mean that I wouldn't have this new little one as well. But here I am, with one beautiful baby in Heaven and a new little life growing inside me, whom I'm looking forward to meeting. I'm a mother of 2 children.

Not too long ago, I had a bit of a wrestling session with God. I was thinking about being pregnant again and I have been trying to think positively and believe that I would get to bring this baby home. I wanted to trust that God would keep this one healthy. But how could I trust Him to do that? I mean, even though God didn't take Kaitlyn from us, He also didn't stop it. He didn't bring her back or keep her alive. How can I trust that he will keep this baby safe? There's no guarantee. If He didn't do it for Kaitlyn, why would He do it for this little one? I said out loud go Him, "I don't trust you, right now". I felt so guilty and so sorry. I repented over and over. He doesn't have to prove Himself to me, but it felt so good to be honest with God. He is faithful. I still find myself saying, "If we bring this baby home......", but no matter what, I have a perfect God on my side.

I went to see the OB for the first time at about 10 weeks and I was so nervous going. I was fearful that something might be wrong. I went into the office and we just talked about what to expect during this pregnancy and that once I see the specialist, we will know if I need further intervention. That right there made me nervous, what if we were too late to get the necessary interventions? Well, the OB was great about calming my fears, but understanding why I have them. He said that we could try to hear the heartbeat, but he was doubtful that we would hear it this early on the doppler. I remembered my first visit with the midwife when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I was 12 weeks and I remember it took a while to find the heartbeat, but we did. This time, I was lying on the table, just praying that I would hear a heartbeat, just for reassurance. And it only took maybe 15 seconds and I heard that beautiful sound...my baby's heart!!! God it good!!! The OB was even surprised that we heard anything. Even though God doesn't have to prove Himself, he gave me what I needed during that OB visit. I was reminded that He is with me through it all.

I then scheduled an ultrasound for the following Monday, which was only 4 days away. Even though I had heard the heartbeat, I was still quite nervous for the ultrasound. I'm so grateful that my mom came with me. I went into the ultrasound room and it brought back so many memories again. The last time I had an ultrasound was in the hospital to confirm we had lost Kaitlyn. This time, the tech was so quiet during the ultrasound. I kept trying to read her face, but it showed nothing. I kept thinking that something is wrong and she's trying to hide it from me. When she was done the measurements, she turned the screen around and I was almost ready to hear the words "I'm sorry", but there was a healthy baby moving around. I was so happy and at one point I got to see the heart beating and I just about burst into tears. My mom then came in to see and she was ecstatic to see the baby moving around. It was wonderful and we even got to keep pictures...for free!!

This time around, I'm much more knowledgeable and I wish I had been when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wish I could have advocated for her more. I remember during the 20 week ultrasound with Kaitlyn, we paid $20 for 3 pictures on a CD and the pictures weren't very good. You couldn't really see anything. Chris kept saying that I should go back and ask for better pictures, but I said, the pics weren't too bad and besides, we would have a lifetime to take lots and lots of picture of Kaitlyn. I didn't know that those would be the only pictures we would have of her alive. I wish I had gone back and asked for better pictures.

I spent some time recently looking at Kaitlyn's things. I still miss her so much, and I don't think that will go away, but I'm starting to get excited about our new baby. I'm having more difficulty connecting with this one, I think because I'm still nervous, but I love it when Chris talks to my belly and talks about our new baby, because I can share in his excitement.

This new little one is going to be so loved!! I'm looking forward to meeting him or her. Most people think that this one will be a boy, but they also thought the same thing of Kaitlyn, and she was a beautiful baby girl.

Chris and I continue to talk about Kaitlyn and how old she would be. I was in 2 weddings recently and through both of them, Chris and I talked about how he would be holding Kaitlyn while I was in one wedding and my parents would take care of her while we were both in my brother's wedding. I had a great time at the weddings, but at my brothers wedding I was watching the father daughter dance and I started crying because Chris would never get to experience that with Kaitlyn. And even during the mother son dance, the song talked about seeing her child grow and mature, and I was sad that I would never see Kaitlyn grow up. But, I liked that I cried during those times, it's like she was still a part of us during that day.

Chris and I are looking forward to one day telling this child about Kaitlyn.

WOW

Now that Chris' parents finally know..I can post this!

I had my first appt. with Dr. Laskin, the rheumatoligist, on July 28th. I got a call from his office the day before asking if I could come in the following day as they had a cancellation. Of course I could! I was actually excited to get the process going.

Dr. Laskin was kind and sensitive about our loss. He gave me a very quick physical and basically talked about our loss. He said that it sounds like it could be due to clotting issues as well, but after thinking about it further, I'm not quite convinced. Mainly because Kaitlyn was measuring right on track during our ultrasound, and because she passed away weeks before she was born, she probably lost some weight. Well, they took some blood and did other tests, and I have an appt. at the end of Sept. to discuss results.

Now the exciting news. I got a call from Dr. Laskins office the day after my appt. Apparently, they also did a pregancy test.......and it was positive!!! So of course I did my own tests and both were positive. They were actually the same type of pregnancy tests that I used when I found out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wasn't going to buy them this time around, but they were on sale. Anyways, Dr. Laskin's office wanted me to follow up with my family doctor, which I did, and I am pregnant. I haven't had any ultrasounds or anything like that yet, so I'm excited, but also praying that everything is okay in there.

A couple days after I found out I was pregnant, I had my meltdown. I couldn't concentrate all day and I kept thinking that there is a chance I may lose this baby too. I just got so scared. How could I get through that again? I eventually told Chris about my fears. He hugged me and reminded me that there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this pregnancy. I can be healthy and take my necessary precautions, vitamins, baby aspirin, etc, but that's really it. At first, I was annoyed with the response, but I quickly came to realize that he was right. After that realization, I gave up my delusional control to God, and I have felt pretty good since then. I rarely, if ever, become fearful about losing our baby. Yes, the thoughts come into my head, but I give those fears to God and enjoy the time I have with this baby. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby! I have had 2 miscarriage dreams so far, where I dream that I am bleeding. I start freaking out, but when I wake up I am so relived to see that it was just a dream. And of course I go check to see if there is any bleeding.

A couple nights ago, I realized that I hadn't really looked through Kaitlyn things in a while. So I got out her stuff and went through the Child Dedication card, her hat and blanket, letters, and everything else. I didn't think I would cry, but as soon as I looked at her name on the Child Dedication Card, I fell apart and started crying. It just hit me...how much I miss Kaitlyn. I am so excited to be expecting another baby, but I also want to be holding Kaitlyn right now. There are still a lot of milestones that I am going to miss with Kaitlyn. We did "tell" Kaitlyn that she's going to have a baby brother or sister and I plan on writing her a letter. I like to keep her as part of our family, which means including her in the joyous occasions.

Anger

Through everything, I felt some anger at times over losing Kaitlyn, but I've never experienced anger like I did on Thursday. I accidentally saw a picture of my friend's baby who was due a few weeks after me.....stupid facebook (that's why I don't go on facebook often), and I just lost it. I was so full of anger, I just wanted to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I mean, why did Kaitlyn have to die, why didn't I get to be a part of that wonderful, yet exclusiuve, group called motherhood, why didn't I get to bring home my baby and see her grow, and cuddle with her and see her smile? I've asked" why" throughout our loss so many times, and many times I'm okay with not knowing the answer, but just asking "why" seems to help. I try to be happy for all those women who have babies with no problems, but I'm just so jealous because I was so close to having that as well. I feel like I am deserving, that I've done things right, so why don't I get a baby? Why those other women and not me? When I look at other women, pregnant or with their babies, I ache for Kaitlyn, it's not like I want their babies, I just want my Kaitlyn. I'm sure that one day, I will get to have my baby, but with each month that passes it's just seems like that dream is getting farther away.

I do want to add that when Chris got home that night, the poor guy had to come home to my bad mood. I did give him warning and told him that I was feeling incredibly angry about not having Kaitlyn with us and I apologized and told him that if I happen to say anything mean to him, I'm sorry and I don't mean it. Well, he let me be angry, and he even took me into my bedroom, set up some pillows and let me punch them as hard as I could. It actually helped me feel better, and I didn't say anything mean to my loving husband because he gave me another outlet for my anger. I am so blessed, Chris is the most amazing husband, he exceeds the man of my dreams.

"I'll never not remember you"

So I recently took out Kaitlyn's things again, just to look over and I started reading all the cards that we received after we lost Kaitlyn. It was so wonderful to read over the messages and be reminded of how many people care about Chris, Kaitlyn, and I. I teared up while reading the cards because it bought back some memories, but I'm so glad I kept them. There is comfort in reading those cards. I know that other people have moved on from our loss as there are other important things in their lives, but it was a great reminded of the love we did receive. There's one card in particular that I absolutely love, and it was perfect for the occasion. It has a picture of Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh standing on a wooden bridge looking over a river. The narration on the front of the card reads:

"Christopher Robin?" asked Pooh.

"Yes, Pooh Bear." replied Christopher Robin

"I'll never not remember you." said Pooh to Christopher Robin.

I love that line, "I'll never not remember you." Chris and I like to say that to Kaitlyn when we're looking at her stuff or even if we're talking about her.

I'll never "move on", I keep living life and enjoying what it brings, but I will always remember and think of my Kaitlyn. She's still in my thoughts for most of my days because everything reminds me of her or our dreams and plans for her.

My Birthday

It's my birthday today. I'm turning 29. I usually get pretty excited about my birthday. I like celebrating it and I never minded getting older. But this birthday is different. It was supposed to be a birthday that I got to celebrate with my daughter. I was going to celebrate all the wonderful things that happened during my 28th year, but instead, my birthday is not all that different from last years. To people looking in, my life is pretty much the same, they don't see a baby or mother, but I am a different person. I am a mom, without a baby to hold.

I still want to celebrate my birthday with the people I love. But this birthday is hard because it's not how I had pictured my life to be when I was 29. I was expecting to have someone offer to babysit Kaitlyn for a while so that maybe I could get a spa treatment or something, just to give me some time to myself. But instead, I have too much time to myself. I don't have a baby to care for so I don't need a spa treatment to re-energize. How selfish of me, I just want to spend every single moment with my daughter, how could I even consider wanting to be away from her.

Chris and I just really miss Kaitlyn. We're going to spend time looking at Kaitlyn's stuff today. We are often talking about how old Kaitlyn would be if she was born on her due date and what kinds of things she would be doing. I think he would have gotten me a birthday card and signed Kaitlyn's name on it or maybe put her handprint on it. It's just not fair!! My life was supposed to be so different today.

Spring turns to Summer

I had a fabulous time at Steph's Bachelorette on the weekend. We had a lot of fun. I find that I can enjoy non-baby related events now! Even when Trev, Steph, and I went to a concert there was a pregnant woman in front of me and beside of me. It seems like I'm a magnet of preggies, but I did not cry, I actually enjoyed the concert. I just avoided looking at them as best as I could. I think it helped that I didn't know them as well. Small victories.

However, after I got home from the Bachelorette, I kind of got in a slump. Yet another BFN and AF showed. I think I just felt discouraged and hormonal. The anger and sadness of the loss hit me again, I just felt frustrated. How come it's taking so long? I try to remind myself that I don't know the big picture, only God does and I do trust Him, but I'm like a little kid who wants it now. However, I just have to trust God when He says "not yet" and when I ask "why", I just have to be content with his answer of "Because". I really do put my full trust and faith in Him, but it hurts to be so close to having something so precious and then losing it and not being able to get it back. I know that He is my hope and joy and I can always run back to Him, even after I've thrown my tantrum.

I was talking to Chris and sometimes it feels like time is irrevelant. I can barely even register that we are in summer, to me, I think I'm just stuck in spring. We both feel that our lives have been reset. We're back to where we were a year ago, with a few changes. I'm having a hard time enjoying the passing of time. My birthday is coming up and usually I'm excited about it, but this year, I'm just reminded that I'm turning 29 and instead of having my 2 month old baby Kaitlyn, my arms are empty. I like thinking about what I would be doing with her, but when I am hormonal, it just hurts and I miss her. I want to look forward to events, but all the events we have planned, Kaitlyn was supposed to be there with us, so even those events are reminders of what we lost.

My heart has been hurting these past few days. I'm just really missing being able to take care of my baby today. I wonder what she would be doing. I bet she would be starting to hold up her head and body and even trying to roll over. I would get to hear her giggle when she was being tickled.

Well, onto a new day and after getting all that off my chest, I can lift my voice and thank God for all that He has given me and I will praise Him for He is Good. He has carried me through all of this and He continues to craddle me.

Missing You

I really miss you today Kaitlyn.

Why Chris is a wonderful father

We celebrated Father's Day yesterday. It was good, although I felt that Chris didn't get the recognition he really deserves. He is a wonderful father. Even throughout my pregnancy, Chris would spend time talking and singing to my belly. He prayed for Kaitlyn almost every day. He eagerly participated in choosing out the things and he made some pretty good suggestions. We enjoyed talking about how we would raise our children and he loved listening to Focus on the Family to get some great ideas. He was eager to purchase parenting books and watch parenting shows so he could raise truly great kids. When we lost Kaitlyn Chris was always there for me and her. We cried together and he let me talk to him about my feelings. He was my safe place. He never told me that my emotions were wrong or that I was crying too much, he just there as a comfort. When I was in labour, Chris rubbed my back and stayed the night with me. He would get me anything I needed. When he held Kaitlyn, he was so natural with her. He held her and rocked her gently as he was talking to other people in the room, she belonged in his arms. He participated in all the arrangements for Kaitlyn and her memorial. He wanted to take the responsibility and provide for his daughter. Since we lost her Chris continues to spend time with Kaitlyn and I. He is often the one who suggests that we look through her things. He cradles her heart shaped box and cuddles with her blanket. He strokes her little hat and reads through the child dedication card and other mementos. He continues to discuss how we can include Kaitlyn in our family and he has lots of great ideas.

Chris is already excited about our future kids as well. We pray for our future children together and we continue to talk about how we want to raise our kids. He lets me go on and on about children's names and he even comes up with some good suggestion. After all, it was Chris who came up with the name Kaitlyn (although, he let me choose the spelling). He is excited about getting pregnant again and can't wait to bring more children into the world. I know he wants lots of kids. Chris is wonderful with his neices. He is patient and gives them lots of attention. He just adores them. He has so much love and I know he will just pour lots of love onto his own kids as well. There are so many reasons why Chris is already a great father so I want to wish him a Happy Father's Day, because he deserves it as much as any other father.

Appointment update and Father's Day

I finally heard back from the specialist, Dr. Laskin's office. I have an appointment scheduled for August 24th, however, I'm on their cancellation list so hopefully I may be able to get in sooner. That would be so awesome. I just want to get a definitive answer about this lupus anticoagulant marker. From what I understand, it is not unusual to get a false positive, in which case, I wouldn't need to be put on blood thinners during pregnancy. However, if I am positive, I would need blood thinners and I would need to be monitored more closely. Since I did lose Kaitlyn, I expect that my next pregnancy would be monitored closely, in fact, I will probably insist on it for my own peace of mind. At this point, all I want is a healthy baby, but an extra bonus would be to be negative for the anticoagulant marker and be able to have a natural pregnancy, as we had done with Kaitlyn.

Last night, I was lying in bed, thinking about my Kaitlyn, when I just got an overwhelming urge to hold her, and comfort her. I wanted to hear her cry so I could run to her and pick her up and rock her back to sleep. I've been feeling very nurturing lately. I want my baby to nurture, but instead, Chris is getting all that nurturing, luckily, he's enjoying it. With Father's day approaching, I've been thinking about something to do for Chris. I think this day will be a bit easier for me than mother's day, but I had really wanted to be able to make something with Kaitlyn's hand prints or something. Instead, his gift will be about memories, rather than marvelling at how much our baby had grown in the past month. But Chris deserves to be celebrated as well. We have both gone through one of the hardest experience any parent has ever had to go through and he has been such an amazing husband and father to Kaitlyn through it all, I want to show him how appreciated he is.

Do you have any kids?

So I finally used a gift certificate I had for a manicure/pedicure that I got for Christmas. I had been saving it because I wanted to use it after Kaitlyn was born, but since we lost her, I hadn't been able to actually bring myself to use it. It was about to expire, so I made an appointment for a manicure and massage. It was actually nice to get something done for myself.

While I was getting my nails done the manicurist and I were talking. Of course, kids came up in conversation and she asked if I had any kids yet. It is a seemingly innocent question, but to someone who has lost a child, especially had a miscarriage or stillborn, it is an agonizing question. Do I answer honestly and say I have a child in Heaven, which quickly makes a nice conversation awkward, but it allows me to acknowledge my child. Or do you say, "not yet, but hopefully we will soon.", which allows the conversation to keep going, but makes you feel guilty afterwards. This has happened twice so far. While I was at a spa in Wawa, the pedicurist asked if I had any kids and I told her that we did have a daughter who was stillborn in my 6th month of pregnancy. Of course, she said the obligatory "I'm sorry", which I do appreciate hearing. So I went on to say that we are doing alright, we have lots of support, and we do hope to expand our family in the near future. The conversation did take a little stumble, but I was able to ask her a question to change topics, which helped. At the spa this week, when I was asked the same question, I didn't want pour out my heart to this manicurist, so I paused for a few moments, weighed my options, and I chose option #2 and said we don't have kids yet, but we hope to soon. The conversation kept moving easily from there, but I was racked with guilt. I just denied my daughter's existence. After answering the same, difficult question 2 different ways, I will often answer that question by saying that we have a child in heaven and we hope to expand our family soon. I will then go on to change the subject if I need to, or the person may have questions or may relate to my story. It will allow me to acknowledge my daughter, who will always be an important member of our family.

Weekend filled with fun and emotion

Well, this weekend I had 2 showers to go to. I had a lot of fun at both the showers! I think it helped that there were no pregnant women or babies around. All the talk was around wedding, which was wonderful. I have a difficult time in conversations about babies or pregnancies. When people talk about pregnancies, I sometimes want to contribute my pregnant experiences because I was far enough along to get to enjoy lots of symptoms. But I never know if other people want to hear about it. Because my pregnancy had such an unhappy ending, some people just don't want to be reminded of it. I, of course, love talking about it, because it's my baby. It's also hard to hear about other people's pregnancies, especially when they are complaining about it, because these women just don't seem to appreciate the the blessing that come along with the symptoms. Yes, I went through awful morning sickness (Chris can attest to that!), but I would gladly throw up every day for 9 months if it meant I got to have a healthy baby in the end. I miss being pregnant. I never got to fully enjoy it to the end. I never got to experience the joy of holding a squirmy baby. I am so happy that I got to hold Kaitlyn, but I didn't want to have to hand her back to the nurse, I wanted to bring her home with me. She belonged in my arms.

Yesterday, Chris and I went to church and a girl I had seen grow up was there with her husband, visiting her family. They got married maybe a year ago and she was already about 6.5 months pregnant. Well, I just lost it. I couldn't keep from crying. I wanted to be so happy for her, because it is supposed to be a joyous time during life, but it was just such a blatant reminder of what I lost. I had to have Chris take me home, where we cried together and looked over Kaitlyn's things again. Lately, whenever I see pregnant women or hear people talking about being pregnant (even in movies), the first thing that pops into my head is "Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you'll get to have a baby. I know from experience." (I just read that and it doesn't sound bitter in my head, there's more a tone of sadness) How awful is that!? As soon as it pops into my head I ask God to fill me with hope and joy for those pregnant women. But, I've only been pregnant once, so that's the only experience I have of pregnancy. Logically, it makes sense, but I can't let myself continue thinking like that.

More and more, I have been thinking about future pregnancies and when I think about being pregnant again, I just assume that my next baby will be alive and healthy. I think I will jump back and forth between anxiety and hope, but I pray that I will spend a majority of that pregnancy enjoying it and believing that I will be holding my healthy baby at the end of those 9 months. Now, if only I could get pregnant....

A hard day

It's beautiful and sunny out and unfortunately, my mood doesn't reflect this gorgeous weather. Today, it not a good day for me. AF showed today, and that is always a downer. It only reminds me that I'm not pregnant, and I don't have a baby to hold. Every time she shows, I feel like I'm getting further and further away from every having kids. Plus, I'm emotional during this time, which doesn't help. Lately it seems that AF always corresponds with bridal showers, so I'm just a big emotional mess and it take a lot of effort just to hold it together and be happy for everyone around me. I had an okay cry today. My heart felt like it was aching. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears, but I can't let them out because I people think I shouldn't be crying like this anymore. But when do you ever stop crying over the loss of your child. Yes, each crying session may become further apart, but you will never stop crying for your child. When I look around at the family I will have someday, I will be happy to be blessed with them, but I will also ache a little because my family is missing one of it's members. Oh, how I miss Kaitlyn so much today! It's a beautiful day to take a baby for a walk, but I just don't feel like going out. I will go to the store, but only because I have to.

I just long to feel a life inside me, my arms ache to hold my baby. Chris did remind me that my hope and joy is not in having a baby, but is in the Lord. How true that is! But it still hurts, and I still get disappointed, and I still miss her so much.

I'm just hoping and praying that I will be able to hold it together this weekend.