Tuesday, September 22, 2009
A Different Child
poem by Pandora MacMillian
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."
Monday, September 21, 2009
Mother of 2
It's been a while since I've posted something. Overall, I'm doing pretty well. A pregnancy following a loss is soooo different from the innocence and naivety a pregnancy without the experience of a loss. I'll be honest, when I first found out I was excited, but quite scared. What if something happened? I've had a couple of breakdowns where I just cried, because I didn't want to lose this baby too, and for Kaitlyn. Once in a while, I feel a little guilty because I'm celebrating a new life, that could only be here because we lost Kaitlyn. And I still wish I had Kaitlyn with me, but that would mean that I wouldn't have this new little one as well. But here I am, with one beautiful baby in Heaven and a new little life growing inside me, whom I'm looking forward to meeting. I'm a mother of 2 children.
Not too long ago, I had a bit of a wrestling session with God. I was thinking about being pregnant again and I have been trying to think positively and believe that I would get to bring this baby home. I wanted to trust that God would keep this one healthy. But how could I trust Him to do that? I mean, even though God didn't take Kaitlyn from us, He also didn't stop it. He didn't bring her back or keep her alive. How can I trust that he will keep this baby safe? There's no guarantee. If He didn't do it for Kaitlyn, why would He do it for this little one? I said out loud go Him, "I don't trust you, right now". I felt so guilty and so sorry. I repented over and over. He doesn't have to prove Himself to me, but it felt so good to be honest with God. He is faithful. I still find myself saying, "If we bring this baby home......", but no matter what, I have a perfect God on my side.
I went to see the OB for the first time at about 10 weeks and I was so nervous going. I was fearful that something might be wrong. I went into the office and we just talked about what to expect during this pregnancy and that once I see the specialist, we will know if I need further intervention. That right there made me nervous, what if we were too late to get the necessary interventions? Well, the OB was great about calming my fears, but understanding why I have them. He said that we could try to hear the heartbeat, but he was doubtful that we would hear it this early on the doppler. I remembered my first visit with the midwife when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I was 12 weeks and I remember it took a while to find the heartbeat, but we did. This time, I was lying on the table, just praying that I would hear a heartbeat, just for reassurance. And it only took maybe 15 seconds and I heard that beautiful sound...my baby's heart!!! God it good!!! The OB was even surprised that we heard anything. Even though God doesn't have to prove Himself, he gave me what I needed during that OB visit. I was reminded that He is with me through it all.
I then scheduled an ultrasound for the following Monday, which was only 4 days away. Even though I had heard the heartbeat, I was still quite nervous for the ultrasound. I'm so grateful that my mom came with me. I went into the ultrasound room and it brought back so many memories again. The last time I had an ultrasound was in the hospital to confirm we had lost Kaitlyn. This time, the tech was so quiet during the ultrasound. I kept trying to read her face, but it showed nothing. I kept thinking that something is wrong and she's trying to hide it from me. When she was done the measurements, she turned the screen around and I was almost ready to hear the words "I'm sorry", but there was a healthy baby moving around. I was so happy and at one point I got to see the heart beating and I just about burst into tears. My mom then came in to see and she was ecstatic to see the baby moving around. It was wonderful and we even got to keep pictures...for free!!
This time around, I'm much more knowledgeable and I wish I had been when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wish I could have advocated for her more. I remember during the 20 week ultrasound with Kaitlyn, we paid $20 for 3 pictures on a CD and the pictures weren't very good. You couldn't really see anything. Chris kept saying that I should go back and ask for better pictures, but I said, the pics weren't too bad and besides, we would have a lifetime to take lots and lots of picture of Kaitlyn. I didn't know that those would be the only pictures we would have of her alive. I wish I had gone back and asked for better pictures.
I spent some time recently looking at Kaitlyn's things. I still miss her so much, and I don't think that will go away, but I'm starting to get excited about our new baby. I'm having more difficulty connecting with this one, I think because I'm still nervous, but I love it when Chris talks to my belly and talks about our new baby, because I can share in his excitement.
This new little one is going to be so loved!! I'm looking forward to meeting him or her. Most people think that this one will be a boy, but they also thought the same thing of Kaitlyn, and she was a beautiful baby girl.
Chris and I continue to talk about Kaitlyn and how old she would be. I was in 2 weddings recently and through both of them, Chris and I talked about how he would be holding Kaitlyn while I was in one wedding and my parents would take care of her while we were both in my brother's wedding. I had a great time at the weddings, but at my brothers wedding I was watching the father daughter dance and I started crying because Chris would never get to experience that with Kaitlyn. And even during the mother son dance, the song talked about seeing her child grow and mature, and I was sad that I would never see Kaitlyn grow up. But, I liked that I cried during those times, it's like she was still a part of us during that day.
Chris and I are looking forward to one day telling this child about Kaitlyn.
Not too long ago, I had a bit of a wrestling session with God. I was thinking about being pregnant again and I have been trying to think positively and believe that I would get to bring this baby home. I wanted to trust that God would keep this one healthy. But how could I trust Him to do that? I mean, even though God didn't take Kaitlyn from us, He also didn't stop it. He didn't bring her back or keep her alive. How can I trust that he will keep this baby safe? There's no guarantee. If He didn't do it for Kaitlyn, why would He do it for this little one? I said out loud go Him, "I don't trust you, right now". I felt so guilty and so sorry. I repented over and over. He doesn't have to prove Himself to me, but it felt so good to be honest with God. He is faithful. I still find myself saying, "If we bring this baby home......", but no matter what, I have a perfect God on my side.
I went to see the OB for the first time at about 10 weeks and I was so nervous going. I was fearful that something might be wrong. I went into the office and we just talked about what to expect during this pregnancy and that once I see the specialist, we will know if I need further intervention. That right there made me nervous, what if we were too late to get the necessary interventions? Well, the OB was great about calming my fears, but understanding why I have them. He said that we could try to hear the heartbeat, but he was doubtful that we would hear it this early on the doppler. I remembered my first visit with the midwife when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I was 12 weeks and I remember it took a while to find the heartbeat, but we did. This time, I was lying on the table, just praying that I would hear a heartbeat, just for reassurance. And it only took maybe 15 seconds and I heard that beautiful sound...my baby's heart!!! God it good!!! The OB was even surprised that we heard anything. Even though God doesn't have to prove Himself, he gave me what I needed during that OB visit. I was reminded that He is with me through it all.
I then scheduled an ultrasound for the following Monday, which was only 4 days away. Even though I had heard the heartbeat, I was still quite nervous for the ultrasound. I'm so grateful that my mom came with me. I went into the ultrasound room and it brought back so many memories again. The last time I had an ultrasound was in the hospital to confirm we had lost Kaitlyn. This time, the tech was so quiet during the ultrasound. I kept trying to read her face, but it showed nothing. I kept thinking that something is wrong and she's trying to hide it from me. When she was done the measurements, she turned the screen around and I was almost ready to hear the words "I'm sorry", but there was a healthy baby moving around. I was so happy and at one point I got to see the heart beating and I just about burst into tears. My mom then came in to see and she was ecstatic to see the baby moving around. It was wonderful and we even got to keep pictures...for free!!
This time around, I'm much more knowledgeable and I wish I had been when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wish I could have advocated for her more. I remember during the 20 week ultrasound with Kaitlyn, we paid $20 for 3 pictures on a CD and the pictures weren't very good. You couldn't really see anything. Chris kept saying that I should go back and ask for better pictures, but I said, the pics weren't too bad and besides, we would have a lifetime to take lots and lots of picture of Kaitlyn. I didn't know that those would be the only pictures we would have of her alive. I wish I had gone back and asked for better pictures.
I spent some time recently looking at Kaitlyn's things. I still miss her so much, and I don't think that will go away, but I'm starting to get excited about our new baby. I'm having more difficulty connecting with this one, I think because I'm still nervous, but I love it when Chris talks to my belly and talks about our new baby, because I can share in his excitement.
This new little one is going to be so loved!! I'm looking forward to meeting him or her. Most people think that this one will be a boy, but they also thought the same thing of Kaitlyn, and she was a beautiful baby girl.
Chris and I continue to talk about Kaitlyn and how old she would be. I was in 2 weddings recently and through both of them, Chris and I talked about how he would be holding Kaitlyn while I was in one wedding and my parents would take care of her while we were both in my brother's wedding. I had a great time at the weddings, but at my brothers wedding I was watching the father daughter dance and I started crying because Chris would never get to experience that with Kaitlyn. And even during the mother son dance, the song talked about seeing her child grow and mature, and I was sad that I would never see Kaitlyn grow up. But, I liked that I cried during those times, it's like she was still a part of us during that day.
Chris and I are looking forward to one day telling this child about Kaitlyn.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
WOW
Now that Chris' parents finally know..I can post this!
I had my first appt. with Dr. Laskin, the rheumatoligist, on July 28th. I got a call from his office the day before asking if I could come in the following day as they had a cancellation. Of course I could! I was actually excited to get the process going.
Dr. Laskin was kind and sensitive about our loss. He gave me a very quick physical and basically talked about our loss. He said that it sounds like it could be due to clotting issues as well, but after thinking about it further, I'm not quite convinced. Mainly because Kaitlyn was measuring right on track during our ultrasound, and because she passed away weeks before she was born, she probably lost some weight. Well, they took some blood and did other tests, and I have an appt. at the end of Sept. to discuss results.
Now the exciting news. I got a call from Dr. Laskins office the day after my appt. Apparently, they also did a pregancy test.......and it was positive!!! So of course I did my own tests and both were positive. They were actually the same type of pregnancy tests that I used when I found out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wasn't going to buy them this time around, but they were on sale. Anyways, Dr. Laskin's office wanted me to follow up with my family doctor, which I did, and I am pregnant. I haven't had any ultrasounds or anything like that yet, so I'm excited, but also praying that everything is okay in there.
A couple days after I found out I was pregnant, I had my meltdown. I couldn't concentrate all day and I kept thinking that there is a chance I may lose this baby too. I just got so scared. How could I get through that again? I eventually told Chris about my fears. He hugged me and reminded me that there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this pregnancy. I can be healthy and take my necessary precautions, vitamins, baby aspirin, etc, but that's really it. At first, I was annoyed with the response, but I quickly came to realize that he was right. After that realization, I gave up my delusional control to God, and I have felt pretty good since then. I rarely, if ever, become fearful about losing our baby. Yes, the thoughts come into my head, but I give those fears to God and enjoy the time I have with this baby. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby! I have had 2 miscarriage dreams so far, where I dream that I am bleeding. I start freaking out, but when I wake up I am so relived to see that it was just a dream. And of course I go check to see if there is any bleeding.
A couple nights ago, I realized that I hadn't really looked through Kaitlyn things in a while. So I got out her stuff and went through the Child Dedication card, her hat and blanket, letters, and everything else. I didn't think I would cry, but as soon as I looked at her name on the Child Dedication Card, I fell apart and started crying. It just hit me...how much I miss Kaitlyn. I am so excited to be expecting another baby, but I also want to be holding Kaitlyn right now. There are still a lot of milestones that I am going to miss with Kaitlyn. We did "tell" Kaitlyn that she's going to have a baby brother or sister and I plan on writing her a letter. I like to keep her as part of our family, which means including her in the joyous occasions.
I had my first appt. with Dr. Laskin, the rheumatoligist, on July 28th. I got a call from his office the day before asking if I could come in the following day as they had a cancellation. Of course I could! I was actually excited to get the process going.
Dr. Laskin was kind and sensitive about our loss. He gave me a very quick physical and basically talked about our loss. He said that it sounds like it could be due to clotting issues as well, but after thinking about it further, I'm not quite convinced. Mainly because Kaitlyn was measuring right on track during our ultrasound, and because she passed away weeks before she was born, she probably lost some weight. Well, they took some blood and did other tests, and I have an appt. at the end of Sept. to discuss results.
Now the exciting news. I got a call from Dr. Laskins office the day after my appt. Apparently, they also did a pregancy test.......and it was positive!!! So of course I did my own tests and both were positive. They were actually the same type of pregnancy tests that I used when I found out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wasn't going to buy them this time around, but they were on sale. Anyways, Dr. Laskin's office wanted me to follow up with my family doctor, which I did, and I am pregnant. I haven't had any ultrasounds or anything like that yet, so I'm excited, but also praying that everything is okay in there.
A couple days after I found out I was pregnant, I had my meltdown. I couldn't concentrate all day and I kept thinking that there is a chance I may lose this baby too. I just got so scared. How could I get through that again? I eventually told Chris about my fears. He hugged me and reminded me that there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this pregnancy. I can be healthy and take my necessary precautions, vitamins, baby aspirin, etc, but that's really it. At first, I was annoyed with the response, but I quickly came to realize that he was right. After that realization, I gave up my delusional control to God, and I have felt pretty good since then. I rarely, if ever, become fearful about losing our baby. Yes, the thoughts come into my head, but I give those fears to God and enjoy the time I have with this baby. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby! I have had 2 miscarriage dreams so far, where I dream that I am bleeding. I start freaking out, but when I wake up I am so relived to see that it was just a dream. And of course I go check to see if there is any bleeding.
A couple nights ago, I realized that I hadn't really looked through Kaitlyn things in a while. So I got out her stuff and went through the Child Dedication card, her hat and blanket, letters, and everything else. I didn't think I would cry, but as soon as I looked at her name on the Child Dedication Card, I fell apart and started crying. It just hit me...how much I miss Kaitlyn. I am so excited to be expecting another baby, but I also want to be holding Kaitlyn right now. There are still a lot of milestones that I am going to miss with Kaitlyn. We did "tell" Kaitlyn that she's going to have a baby brother or sister and I plan on writing her a letter. I like to keep her as part of our family, which means including her in the joyous occasions.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Anger
Through everything, I felt some anger at times over losing Kaitlyn, but I've never experienced anger like I did on Thursday. I accidentally saw a picture of my friend's baby who was due a few weeks after me.....stupid facebook (that's why I don't go on facebook often), and I just lost it. I was so full of anger, I just wanted to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I mean, why did Kaitlyn have to die, why didn't I get to be a part of that wonderful, yet exclusiuve, group called motherhood, why didn't I get to bring home my baby and see her grow, and cuddle with her and see her smile? I've asked" why" throughout our loss so many times, and many times I'm okay with not knowing the answer, but just asking "why" seems to help. I try to be happy for all those women who have babies with no problems, but I'm just so jealous because I was so close to having that as well. I feel like I am deserving, that I've done things right, so why don't I get a baby? Why those other women and not me? When I look at other women, pregnant or with their babies, I ache for Kaitlyn, it's not like I want their babies, I just want my Kaitlyn. I'm sure that one day, I will get to have my baby, but with each month that passes it's just seems like that dream is getting farther away.
I do want to add that when Chris got home that night, the poor guy had to come home to my bad mood. I did give him warning and told him that I was feeling incredibly angry about not having Kaitlyn with us and I apologized and told him that if I happen to say anything mean to him, I'm sorry and I don't mean it. Well, he let me be angry, and he even took me into my bedroom, set up some pillows and let me punch them as hard as I could. It actually helped me feel better, and I didn't say anything mean to my loving husband because he gave me another outlet for my anger. I am so blessed, Chris is the most amazing husband, he exceeds the man of my dreams.
I do want to add that when Chris got home that night, the poor guy had to come home to my bad mood. I did give him warning and told him that I was feeling incredibly angry about not having Kaitlyn with us and I apologized and told him that if I happen to say anything mean to him, I'm sorry and I don't mean it. Well, he let me be angry, and he even took me into my bedroom, set up some pillows and let me punch them as hard as I could. It actually helped me feel better, and I didn't say anything mean to my loving husband because he gave me another outlet for my anger. I am so blessed, Chris is the most amazing husband, he exceeds the man of my dreams.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
"I'll never not remember you"
So I recently took out Kaitlyn's things again, just to look over and I started reading all the cards that we received after we lost Kaitlyn. It was so wonderful to read over the messages and be reminded of how many people care about Chris, Kaitlyn, and I. I teared up while reading the cards because it bought back some memories, but I'm so glad I kept them. There is comfort in reading those cards. I know that other people have moved on from our loss as there are other important things in their lives, but it was a great reminded of the love we did receive. There's one card in particular that I absolutely love, and it was perfect for the occasion. It has a picture of Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh standing on a wooden bridge looking over a river. The narration on the front of the card reads:
I'll never "move on", I keep living life and enjoying what it brings, but I will always remember and think of my Kaitlyn. She's still in my thoughts for most of my days because everything reminds me of her or our dreams and plans for her.
"Christopher Robin?" asked Pooh.
"Yes, Pooh Bear." replied Christopher Robin
"I'll never not remember you." said Pooh to Christopher Robin.
I love that line, "I'll never not remember you." Chris and I like to say that to Kaitlyn when we're looking at her stuff or even if we're talking about her.
I love that line, "I'll never not remember you." Chris and I like to say that to Kaitlyn when we're looking at her stuff or even if we're talking about her.
I'll never "move on", I keep living life and enjoying what it brings, but I will always remember and think of my Kaitlyn. She's still in my thoughts for most of my days because everything reminds me of her or our dreams and plans for her.
Monday, July 13, 2009
My Birthday
It's my birthday today. I'm turning 29. I usually get pretty excited about my birthday. I like celebrating it and I never minded getting older. But this birthday is different. It was supposed to be a birthday that I got to celebrate with my daughter. I was going to celebrate all the wonderful things that happened during my 28th year, but instead, my birthday is not all that different from last years. To people looking in, my life is pretty much the same, they don't see a baby or mother, but I am a different person. I am a mom, without a baby to hold.
I still want to celebrate my birthday with the people I love. But this birthday is hard because it's not how I had pictured my life to be when I was 29. I was expecting to have someone offer to babysit Kaitlyn for a while so that maybe I could get a spa treatment or something, just to give me some time to myself. But instead, I have too much time to myself. I don't have a baby to care for so I don't need a spa treatment to re-energize. How selfish of me, I just want to spend every single moment with my daughter, how could I even consider wanting to be away from her.
Chris and I just really miss Kaitlyn. We're going to spend time looking at Kaitlyn's stuff today. We are often talking about how old Kaitlyn would be if she was born on her due date and what kinds of things she would be doing. I think he would have gotten me a birthday card and signed Kaitlyn's name on it or maybe put her handprint on it. It's just not fair!! My life was supposed to be so different today.
I still want to celebrate my birthday with the people I love. But this birthday is hard because it's not how I had pictured my life to be when I was 29. I was expecting to have someone offer to babysit Kaitlyn for a while so that maybe I could get a spa treatment or something, just to give me some time to myself. But instead, I have too much time to myself. I don't have a baby to care for so I don't need a spa treatment to re-energize. How selfish of me, I just want to spend every single moment with my daughter, how could I even consider wanting to be away from her.
Chris and I just really miss Kaitlyn. We're going to spend time looking at Kaitlyn's stuff today. We are often talking about how old Kaitlyn would be if she was born on her due date and what kinds of things she would be doing. I think he would have gotten me a birthday card and signed Kaitlyn's name on it or maybe put her handprint on it. It's just not fair!! My life was supposed to be so different today.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Spring turns to Summer
I had a fabulous time at Steph's Bachelorette on the weekend. We had a lot of fun. I find that I can enjoy non-baby related events now! Even when Trev, Steph, and I went to a concert there was a pregnant woman in front of me and beside of me. It seems like I'm a magnet of preggies, but I did not cry, I actually enjoyed the concert. I just avoided looking at them as best as I could. I think it helped that I didn't know them as well. Small victories.
However, after I got home from the Bachelorette, I kind of got in a slump. Yet another BFN and AF showed. I think I just felt discouraged and hormonal. The anger and sadness of the loss hit me again, I just felt frustrated. How come it's taking so long? I try to remind myself that I don't know the big picture, only God does and I do trust Him, but I'm like a little kid who wants it now. However, I just have to trust God when He says "not yet" and when I ask "why", I just have to be content with his answer of "Because". I really do put my full trust and faith in Him, but it hurts to be so close to having something so precious and then losing it and not being able to get it back. I know that He is my hope and joy and I can always run back to Him, even after I've thrown my tantrum.
I was talking to Chris and sometimes it feels like time is irrevelant. I can barely even register that we are in summer, to me, I think I'm just stuck in spring. We both feel that our lives have been reset. We're back to where we were a year ago, with a few changes. I'm having a hard time enjoying the passing of time. My birthday is coming up and usually I'm excited about it, but this year, I'm just reminded that I'm turning 29 and instead of having my 2 month old baby Kaitlyn, my arms are empty. I like thinking about what I would be doing with her, but when I am hormonal, it just hurts and I miss her. I want to look forward to events, but all the events we have planned, Kaitlyn was supposed to be there with us, so even those events are reminders of what we lost.
My heart has been hurting these past few days. I'm just really missing being able to take care of my baby today. I wonder what she would be doing. I bet she would be starting to hold up her head and body and even trying to roll over. I would get to hear her giggle when she was being tickled.
Well, onto a new day and after getting all that off my chest, I can lift my voice and thank God for all that He has given me and I will praise Him for He is Good. He has carried me through all of this and He continues to craddle me.
However, after I got home from the Bachelorette, I kind of got in a slump. Yet another BFN and AF showed. I think I just felt discouraged and hormonal. The anger and sadness of the loss hit me again, I just felt frustrated. How come it's taking so long? I try to remind myself that I don't know the big picture, only God does and I do trust Him, but I'm like a little kid who wants it now. However, I just have to trust God when He says "not yet" and when I ask "why", I just have to be content with his answer of "Because". I really do put my full trust and faith in Him, but it hurts to be so close to having something so precious and then losing it and not being able to get it back. I know that He is my hope and joy and I can always run back to Him, even after I've thrown my tantrum.
I was talking to Chris and sometimes it feels like time is irrevelant. I can barely even register that we are in summer, to me, I think I'm just stuck in spring. We both feel that our lives have been reset. We're back to where we were a year ago, with a few changes. I'm having a hard time enjoying the passing of time. My birthday is coming up and usually I'm excited about it, but this year, I'm just reminded that I'm turning 29 and instead of having my 2 month old baby Kaitlyn, my arms are empty. I like thinking about what I would be doing with her, but when I am hormonal, it just hurts and I miss her. I want to look forward to events, but all the events we have planned, Kaitlyn was supposed to be there with us, so even those events are reminders of what we lost.
My heart has been hurting these past few days. I'm just really missing being able to take care of my baby today. I wonder what she would be doing. I bet she would be starting to hold up her head and body and even trying to roll over. I would get to hear her giggle when she was being tickled.
Well, onto a new day and after getting all that off my chest, I can lift my voice and thank God for all that He has given me and I will praise Him for He is Good. He has carried me through all of this and He continues to craddle me.
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