It's been a while since I last posted. To be honest, I've been avoiding posting because it always brings up a lot of emotion. I'm now almost 23 weeks pregnant. This past month has been really tough. It was around this time when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn that I noticed I hadn't been feeling her move, but I just believed that it was due to having an anterior placenta. The hormones with pregnancy haven't been helping, but lately I've been thinking a lot about Kaitlyn. Many tears have fallen for her this past month. We still have her picture(s) because I like to remember her, but sometimes they can be hard to look at because there is so much emotion behind them.
We found out the gender of this baby and are excited to find out that it's a boy! Chris and I were shocked when the ultrasound tech told us. We both just expected another girl. I must admit, although I am excited that we are having a boy, there's a part of me that's sad that I'm not having a girl. I had been planning for a girl when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I had a nursery decorated in my head, I had plans and dreams of mother-daughter stuff. It was just a little hard to switch off that thinking and now start planning for a boy. I'm scared I won't know what to do with a boy. I think having a boy has helped me differentiate between the two pregnancies. Although, I still occasionally think that my due date is May 5th (as it was with Kaitlyn), instead of April 5th. And even when talking about our baby I occasionally slip up and call him "she". When that happens, I feel so guilty because I don't want this baby to think he's second to Kaitlyn or anything. We love this little guy so much!
Although this pregnancy has been going well, I still get quite anxious occasionally. Thankfully, my midwife has allowed me to come in every 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat and between ultrasound and specialist appt's I've has an appt. every week for a while. We have so many ultrasound pictures of our little man; I just wish we had more of Kaitlyn as well. This little guy has been pretty active as well. With Kaitlyn, I only felt a few kicks and I never got to really experience full out movement. With this pregnancy, I'm starting to feel lots of kicks, even though I have an anterior placenta again. Even with the kicks, I still get nervous that something may go wrong. For example, yesterday, our baby was way less active than he was the previous days. I know this is normal, but the worry started to come. Thankfully, I did feel a few kicks.
I've just recently started to actually plan for this baby. Chris and I went to our storage unit and brought out the baby stuff that we had for Kaitlyn. It was hard because Kaitlyn never got to use these items and I still imagine what she would have looked like in her little pick sleeper. But I've even allowed myself to consider registering for baby stuff, and I enjoy looking a baby stuff in the stores. I still get a pang of sadness when we walk by an adorable little dress that would have looked cute on Kaitlyn, but then I look for a cute outfit for a boy.
We still haven't picked out a name yet. I'm so glad we had Kaitlyn's name picked out early because it would have been to hard to think of a name right after she was born. I think Chris and I are both hoping a name will suddenly come to us, which is what happened with Kaitlyn, but I'm beginning to grow impatient because I want to call our baby by name. So I've started a list of names and we'll just pray about it.
I am definitely not naive about pregnancy anymore. Even though I know everything is going well with this pregnancy, I still know what could happen. I'm not blindly blissful through this journey, but I guess it really makes me appreciate this baby as well and even though I can't wait to meet our little guy, I'm taking the time to enjoy each and every kick, because they are so precious. I wish I could have experienced all the pregnancy joys with Kaitlyn, but I'm also glad I get to experience them now. It's still hard to not think about, what could be. Like I could be preparing for my first Christmas with a baby, but instead I'm pregnant for the second Christmas in a row. But this little guy will have his own Christmas tree ornament, just like Kaitlyn. Next Christmas we will be enjoying it with our baby.
Well, now Chris and I are parents of 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl. I just wish they could have known each other and played together. This little man will know that he has an older sister who is loved and missed. At this point, I have been waiting for over a year to hold my new baby in my arms, I've only got to wait another 17 weeks and my dream will finally come true.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness
We all know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. We've seen the pink ribbons everywhere. Well, October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. These are two issues that I hold close to my heart. But people feel more comfortable discussing cancer, than they do talking about losing a baby. There's so many commercials and walks for breast cancer, but never have I seen a commercial and events supporting pregnancy and infant loss are kept quiet. I know the March of Dimes in the States is working on finding answers. Unfortunately, both issues are all too common. I just wanted to share some numbers with you. We all know that
- Approximately 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. (Possibly twice that many miscarriages happen before the woman realizes that she is pregnant, but of course these are difficult to track.) Of the number of women who miscarry, 20 percent will suffer recurring miscarriage.
- Approximately 1 in 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth, which is a miscarriage after 20 weeks gestation.
- Approximately 1 in 200 pregnancies end in neonatal death, when the baby dies before it is 28 days old.
- Approximately 1 in 400 babies die between the age of 28 days and 11 months.
These aren’t just statistics – these are people. I bet there are women around you who fall into one of these categories, and you may not even know it.
Yesterday, October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It’s a day to remember these babies and to light a candle in their memory. There is supposed to be a “wave of light” across the world; everyone is asked to burn a candle for one hour at 7 PM in their own time zone to keep the wave going.
I don't spend just one day thinking of Kaitlyn. I think of her everyday, but yesterday, was a special day for her. I have the candle from her memorial. I get to light that candle every year. And next year, her little brother or sister will be with us to light that candle.
I was hesitant to write anything on facebook about yesterday. People get uncomfortable talking about losing a baby, but how are we going to step past that taboo without talking about it. After posting an message on facebook...I was so encouraged to see that other people had learned about October 15th, and they lite a candle or were thinking about Kaitlyn as well. I love knowing how much she meant to others as well. So thank you to all those who participated and who knows, maybe that wave will be even brighter next year.
Yesterday, October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It’s a day to remember these babies and to light a candle in their memory. There is supposed to be a “wave of light” across the world; everyone is asked to burn a candle for one hour at 7 PM in their own time zone to keep the wave going.
I don't spend just one day thinking of Kaitlyn. I think of her everyday, but yesterday, was a special day for her. I have the candle from her memorial. I get to light that candle every year. And next year, her little brother or sister will be with us to light that candle.
I was hesitant to write anything on facebook about yesterday. People get uncomfortable talking about losing a baby, but how are we going to step past that taboo without talking about it. After posting an message on facebook...I was so encouraged to see that other people had learned about October 15th, and they lite a candle or were thinking about Kaitlyn as well. I love knowing how much she meant to others as well. So thank you to all those who participated and who knows, maybe that wave will be even brighter next year.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
A Different Child
poem by Pandora MacMillian
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."
Monday, September 21, 2009
Mother of 2
It's been a while since I've posted something. Overall, I'm doing pretty well. A pregnancy following a loss is soooo different from the innocence and naivety a pregnancy without the experience of a loss. I'll be honest, when I first found out I was excited, but quite scared. What if something happened? I've had a couple of breakdowns where I just cried, because I didn't want to lose this baby too, and for Kaitlyn. Once in a while, I feel a little guilty because I'm celebrating a new life, that could only be here because we lost Kaitlyn. And I still wish I had Kaitlyn with me, but that would mean that I wouldn't have this new little one as well. But here I am, with one beautiful baby in Heaven and a new little life growing inside me, whom I'm looking forward to meeting. I'm a mother of 2 children.
Not too long ago, I had a bit of a wrestling session with God. I was thinking about being pregnant again and I have been trying to think positively and believe that I would get to bring this baby home. I wanted to trust that God would keep this one healthy. But how could I trust Him to do that? I mean, even though God didn't take Kaitlyn from us, He also didn't stop it. He didn't bring her back or keep her alive. How can I trust that he will keep this baby safe? There's no guarantee. If He didn't do it for Kaitlyn, why would He do it for this little one? I said out loud go Him, "I don't trust you, right now". I felt so guilty and so sorry. I repented over and over. He doesn't have to prove Himself to me, but it felt so good to be honest with God. He is faithful. I still find myself saying, "If we bring this baby home......", but no matter what, I have a perfect God on my side.
I went to see the OB for the first time at about 10 weeks and I was so nervous going. I was fearful that something might be wrong. I went into the office and we just talked about what to expect during this pregnancy and that once I see the specialist, we will know if I need further intervention. That right there made me nervous, what if we were too late to get the necessary interventions? Well, the OB was great about calming my fears, but understanding why I have them. He said that we could try to hear the heartbeat, but he was doubtful that we would hear it this early on the doppler. I remembered my first visit with the midwife when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I was 12 weeks and I remember it took a while to find the heartbeat, but we did. This time, I was lying on the table, just praying that I would hear a heartbeat, just for reassurance. And it only took maybe 15 seconds and I heard that beautiful sound...my baby's heart!!! God it good!!! The OB was even surprised that we heard anything. Even though God doesn't have to prove Himself, he gave me what I needed during that OB visit. I was reminded that He is with me through it all.
I then scheduled an ultrasound for the following Monday, which was only 4 days away. Even though I had heard the heartbeat, I was still quite nervous for the ultrasound. I'm so grateful that my mom came with me. I went into the ultrasound room and it brought back so many memories again. The last time I had an ultrasound was in the hospital to confirm we had lost Kaitlyn. This time, the tech was so quiet during the ultrasound. I kept trying to read her face, but it showed nothing. I kept thinking that something is wrong and she's trying to hide it from me. When she was done the measurements, she turned the screen around and I was almost ready to hear the words "I'm sorry", but there was a healthy baby moving around. I was so happy and at one point I got to see the heart beating and I just about burst into tears. My mom then came in to see and she was ecstatic to see the baby moving around. It was wonderful and we even got to keep pictures...for free!!
This time around, I'm much more knowledgeable and I wish I had been when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wish I could have advocated for her more. I remember during the 20 week ultrasound with Kaitlyn, we paid $20 for 3 pictures on a CD and the pictures weren't very good. You couldn't really see anything. Chris kept saying that I should go back and ask for better pictures, but I said, the pics weren't too bad and besides, we would have a lifetime to take lots and lots of picture of Kaitlyn. I didn't know that those would be the only pictures we would have of her alive. I wish I had gone back and asked for better pictures.
I spent some time recently looking at Kaitlyn's things. I still miss her so much, and I don't think that will go away, but I'm starting to get excited about our new baby. I'm having more difficulty connecting with this one, I think because I'm still nervous, but I love it when Chris talks to my belly and talks about our new baby, because I can share in his excitement.
This new little one is going to be so loved!! I'm looking forward to meeting him or her. Most people think that this one will be a boy, but they also thought the same thing of Kaitlyn, and she was a beautiful baby girl.
Chris and I continue to talk about Kaitlyn and how old she would be. I was in 2 weddings recently and through both of them, Chris and I talked about how he would be holding Kaitlyn while I was in one wedding and my parents would take care of her while we were both in my brother's wedding. I had a great time at the weddings, but at my brothers wedding I was watching the father daughter dance and I started crying because Chris would never get to experience that with Kaitlyn. And even during the mother son dance, the song talked about seeing her child grow and mature, and I was sad that I would never see Kaitlyn grow up. But, I liked that I cried during those times, it's like she was still a part of us during that day.
Chris and I are looking forward to one day telling this child about Kaitlyn.
Not too long ago, I had a bit of a wrestling session with God. I was thinking about being pregnant again and I have been trying to think positively and believe that I would get to bring this baby home. I wanted to trust that God would keep this one healthy. But how could I trust Him to do that? I mean, even though God didn't take Kaitlyn from us, He also didn't stop it. He didn't bring her back or keep her alive. How can I trust that he will keep this baby safe? There's no guarantee. If He didn't do it for Kaitlyn, why would He do it for this little one? I said out loud go Him, "I don't trust you, right now". I felt so guilty and so sorry. I repented over and over. He doesn't have to prove Himself to me, but it felt so good to be honest with God. He is faithful. I still find myself saying, "If we bring this baby home......", but no matter what, I have a perfect God on my side.
I went to see the OB for the first time at about 10 weeks and I was so nervous going. I was fearful that something might be wrong. I went into the office and we just talked about what to expect during this pregnancy and that once I see the specialist, we will know if I need further intervention. That right there made me nervous, what if we were too late to get the necessary interventions? Well, the OB was great about calming my fears, but understanding why I have them. He said that we could try to hear the heartbeat, but he was doubtful that we would hear it this early on the doppler. I remembered my first visit with the midwife when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I was 12 weeks and I remember it took a while to find the heartbeat, but we did. This time, I was lying on the table, just praying that I would hear a heartbeat, just for reassurance. And it only took maybe 15 seconds and I heard that beautiful sound...my baby's heart!!! God it good!!! The OB was even surprised that we heard anything. Even though God doesn't have to prove Himself, he gave me what I needed during that OB visit. I was reminded that He is with me through it all.
I then scheduled an ultrasound for the following Monday, which was only 4 days away. Even though I had heard the heartbeat, I was still quite nervous for the ultrasound. I'm so grateful that my mom came with me. I went into the ultrasound room and it brought back so many memories again. The last time I had an ultrasound was in the hospital to confirm we had lost Kaitlyn. This time, the tech was so quiet during the ultrasound. I kept trying to read her face, but it showed nothing. I kept thinking that something is wrong and she's trying to hide it from me. When she was done the measurements, she turned the screen around and I was almost ready to hear the words "I'm sorry", but there was a healthy baby moving around. I was so happy and at one point I got to see the heart beating and I just about burst into tears. My mom then came in to see and she was ecstatic to see the baby moving around. It was wonderful and we even got to keep pictures...for free!!
This time around, I'm much more knowledgeable and I wish I had been when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wish I could have advocated for her more. I remember during the 20 week ultrasound with Kaitlyn, we paid $20 for 3 pictures on a CD and the pictures weren't very good. You couldn't really see anything. Chris kept saying that I should go back and ask for better pictures, but I said, the pics weren't too bad and besides, we would have a lifetime to take lots and lots of picture of Kaitlyn. I didn't know that those would be the only pictures we would have of her alive. I wish I had gone back and asked for better pictures.
I spent some time recently looking at Kaitlyn's things. I still miss her so much, and I don't think that will go away, but I'm starting to get excited about our new baby. I'm having more difficulty connecting with this one, I think because I'm still nervous, but I love it when Chris talks to my belly and talks about our new baby, because I can share in his excitement.
This new little one is going to be so loved!! I'm looking forward to meeting him or her. Most people think that this one will be a boy, but they also thought the same thing of Kaitlyn, and she was a beautiful baby girl.
Chris and I continue to talk about Kaitlyn and how old she would be. I was in 2 weddings recently and through both of them, Chris and I talked about how he would be holding Kaitlyn while I was in one wedding and my parents would take care of her while we were both in my brother's wedding. I had a great time at the weddings, but at my brothers wedding I was watching the father daughter dance and I started crying because Chris would never get to experience that with Kaitlyn. And even during the mother son dance, the song talked about seeing her child grow and mature, and I was sad that I would never see Kaitlyn grow up. But, I liked that I cried during those times, it's like she was still a part of us during that day.
Chris and I are looking forward to one day telling this child about Kaitlyn.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
WOW
Now that Chris' parents finally know..I can post this!
I had my first appt. with Dr. Laskin, the rheumatoligist, on July 28th. I got a call from his office the day before asking if I could come in the following day as they had a cancellation. Of course I could! I was actually excited to get the process going.
Dr. Laskin was kind and sensitive about our loss. He gave me a very quick physical and basically talked about our loss. He said that it sounds like it could be due to clotting issues as well, but after thinking about it further, I'm not quite convinced. Mainly because Kaitlyn was measuring right on track during our ultrasound, and because she passed away weeks before she was born, she probably lost some weight. Well, they took some blood and did other tests, and I have an appt. at the end of Sept. to discuss results.
Now the exciting news. I got a call from Dr. Laskins office the day after my appt. Apparently, they also did a pregancy test.......and it was positive!!! So of course I did my own tests and both were positive. They were actually the same type of pregnancy tests that I used when I found out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wasn't going to buy them this time around, but they were on sale. Anyways, Dr. Laskin's office wanted me to follow up with my family doctor, which I did, and I am pregnant. I haven't had any ultrasounds or anything like that yet, so I'm excited, but also praying that everything is okay in there.
A couple days after I found out I was pregnant, I had my meltdown. I couldn't concentrate all day and I kept thinking that there is a chance I may lose this baby too. I just got so scared. How could I get through that again? I eventually told Chris about my fears. He hugged me and reminded me that there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this pregnancy. I can be healthy and take my necessary precautions, vitamins, baby aspirin, etc, but that's really it. At first, I was annoyed with the response, but I quickly came to realize that he was right. After that realization, I gave up my delusional control to God, and I have felt pretty good since then. I rarely, if ever, become fearful about losing our baby. Yes, the thoughts come into my head, but I give those fears to God and enjoy the time I have with this baby. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby! I have had 2 miscarriage dreams so far, where I dream that I am bleeding. I start freaking out, but when I wake up I am so relived to see that it was just a dream. And of course I go check to see if there is any bleeding.
A couple nights ago, I realized that I hadn't really looked through Kaitlyn things in a while. So I got out her stuff and went through the Child Dedication card, her hat and blanket, letters, and everything else. I didn't think I would cry, but as soon as I looked at her name on the Child Dedication Card, I fell apart and started crying. It just hit me...how much I miss Kaitlyn. I am so excited to be expecting another baby, but I also want to be holding Kaitlyn right now. There are still a lot of milestones that I am going to miss with Kaitlyn. We did "tell" Kaitlyn that she's going to have a baby brother or sister and I plan on writing her a letter. I like to keep her as part of our family, which means including her in the joyous occasions.
I had my first appt. with Dr. Laskin, the rheumatoligist, on July 28th. I got a call from his office the day before asking if I could come in the following day as they had a cancellation. Of course I could! I was actually excited to get the process going.
Dr. Laskin was kind and sensitive about our loss. He gave me a very quick physical and basically talked about our loss. He said that it sounds like it could be due to clotting issues as well, but after thinking about it further, I'm not quite convinced. Mainly because Kaitlyn was measuring right on track during our ultrasound, and because she passed away weeks before she was born, she probably lost some weight. Well, they took some blood and did other tests, and I have an appt. at the end of Sept. to discuss results.
Now the exciting news. I got a call from Dr. Laskins office the day after my appt. Apparently, they also did a pregancy test.......and it was positive!!! So of course I did my own tests and both were positive. They were actually the same type of pregnancy tests that I used when I found out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wasn't going to buy them this time around, but they were on sale. Anyways, Dr. Laskin's office wanted me to follow up with my family doctor, which I did, and I am pregnant. I haven't had any ultrasounds or anything like that yet, so I'm excited, but also praying that everything is okay in there.
A couple days after I found out I was pregnant, I had my meltdown. I couldn't concentrate all day and I kept thinking that there is a chance I may lose this baby too. I just got so scared. How could I get through that again? I eventually told Chris about my fears. He hugged me and reminded me that there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this pregnancy. I can be healthy and take my necessary precautions, vitamins, baby aspirin, etc, but that's really it. At first, I was annoyed with the response, but I quickly came to realize that he was right. After that realization, I gave up my delusional control to God, and I have felt pretty good since then. I rarely, if ever, become fearful about losing our baby. Yes, the thoughts come into my head, but I give those fears to God and enjoy the time I have with this baby. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby! I have had 2 miscarriage dreams so far, where I dream that I am bleeding. I start freaking out, but when I wake up I am so relived to see that it was just a dream. And of course I go check to see if there is any bleeding.
A couple nights ago, I realized that I hadn't really looked through Kaitlyn things in a while. So I got out her stuff and went through the Child Dedication card, her hat and blanket, letters, and everything else. I didn't think I would cry, but as soon as I looked at her name on the Child Dedication Card, I fell apart and started crying. It just hit me...how much I miss Kaitlyn. I am so excited to be expecting another baby, but I also want to be holding Kaitlyn right now. There are still a lot of milestones that I am going to miss with Kaitlyn. We did "tell" Kaitlyn that she's going to have a baby brother or sister and I plan on writing her a letter. I like to keep her as part of our family, which means including her in the joyous occasions.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Anger
Through everything, I felt some anger at times over losing Kaitlyn, but I've never experienced anger like I did on Thursday. I accidentally saw a picture of my friend's baby who was due a few weeks after me.....stupid facebook (that's why I don't go on facebook often), and I just lost it. I was so full of anger, I just wanted to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I mean, why did Kaitlyn have to die, why didn't I get to be a part of that wonderful, yet exclusiuve, group called motherhood, why didn't I get to bring home my baby and see her grow, and cuddle with her and see her smile? I've asked" why" throughout our loss so many times, and many times I'm okay with not knowing the answer, but just asking "why" seems to help. I try to be happy for all those women who have babies with no problems, but I'm just so jealous because I was so close to having that as well. I feel like I am deserving, that I've done things right, so why don't I get a baby? Why those other women and not me? When I look at other women, pregnant or with their babies, I ache for Kaitlyn, it's not like I want their babies, I just want my Kaitlyn. I'm sure that one day, I will get to have my baby, but with each month that passes it's just seems like that dream is getting farther away.
I do want to add that when Chris got home that night, the poor guy had to come home to my bad mood. I did give him warning and told him that I was feeling incredibly angry about not having Kaitlyn with us and I apologized and told him that if I happen to say anything mean to him, I'm sorry and I don't mean it. Well, he let me be angry, and he even took me into my bedroom, set up some pillows and let me punch them as hard as I could. It actually helped me feel better, and I didn't say anything mean to my loving husband because he gave me another outlet for my anger. I am so blessed, Chris is the most amazing husband, he exceeds the man of my dreams.
I do want to add that when Chris got home that night, the poor guy had to come home to my bad mood. I did give him warning and told him that I was feeling incredibly angry about not having Kaitlyn with us and I apologized and told him that if I happen to say anything mean to him, I'm sorry and I don't mean it. Well, he let me be angry, and he even took me into my bedroom, set up some pillows and let me punch them as hard as I could. It actually helped me feel better, and I didn't say anything mean to my loving husband because he gave me another outlet for my anger. I am so blessed, Chris is the most amazing husband, he exceeds the man of my dreams.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
"I'll never not remember you"
So I recently took out Kaitlyn's things again, just to look over and I started reading all the cards that we received after we lost Kaitlyn. It was so wonderful to read over the messages and be reminded of how many people care about Chris, Kaitlyn, and I. I teared up while reading the cards because it bought back some memories, but I'm so glad I kept them. There is comfort in reading those cards. I know that other people have moved on from our loss as there are other important things in their lives, but it was a great reminded of the love we did receive. There's one card in particular that I absolutely love, and it was perfect for the occasion. It has a picture of Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh standing on a wooden bridge looking over a river. The narration on the front of the card reads:
I'll never "move on", I keep living life and enjoying what it brings, but I will always remember and think of my Kaitlyn. She's still in my thoughts for most of my days because everything reminds me of her or our dreams and plans for her.
"Christopher Robin?" asked Pooh.
"Yes, Pooh Bear." replied Christopher Robin
"I'll never not remember you." said Pooh to Christopher Robin.
I love that line, "I'll never not remember you." Chris and I like to say that to Kaitlyn when we're looking at her stuff or even if we're talking about her.
I love that line, "I'll never not remember you." Chris and I like to say that to Kaitlyn when we're looking at her stuff or even if we're talking about her.
I'll never "move on", I keep living life and enjoying what it brings, but I will always remember and think of my Kaitlyn. She's still in my thoughts for most of my days because everything reminds me of her or our dreams and plans for her.
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