WOW

Now that Chris' parents finally know..I can post this!

I had my first appt. with Dr. Laskin, the rheumatoligist, on July 28th. I got a call from his office the day before asking if I could come in the following day as they had a cancellation. Of course I could! I was actually excited to get the process going.

Dr. Laskin was kind and sensitive about our loss. He gave me a very quick physical and basically talked about our loss. He said that it sounds like it could be due to clotting issues as well, but after thinking about it further, I'm not quite convinced. Mainly because Kaitlyn was measuring right on track during our ultrasound, and because she passed away weeks before she was born, she probably lost some weight. Well, they took some blood and did other tests, and I have an appt. at the end of Sept. to discuss results.

Now the exciting news. I got a call from Dr. Laskins office the day after my appt. Apparently, they also did a pregancy test.......and it was positive!!! So of course I did my own tests and both were positive. They were actually the same type of pregnancy tests that I used when I found out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wasn't going to buy them this time around, but they were on sale. Anyways, Dr. Laskin's office wanted me to follow up with my family doctor, which I did, and I am pregnant. I haven't had any ultrasounds or anything like that yet, so I'm excited, but also praying that everything is okay in there.

A couple days after I found out I was pregnant, I had my meltdown. I couldn't concentrate all day and I kept thinking that there is a chance I may lose this baby too. I just got so scared. How could I get through that again? I eventually told Chris about my fears. He hugged me and reminded me that there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this pregnancy. I can be healthy and take my necessary precautions, vitamins, baby aspirin, etc, but that's really it. At first, I was annoyed with the response, but I quickly came to realize that he was right. After that realization, I gave up my delusional control to God, and I have felt pretty good since then. I rarely, if ever, become fearful about losing our baby. Yes, the thoughts come into my head, but I give those fears to God and enjoy the time I have with this baby. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby! I have had 2 miscarriage dreams so far, where I dream that I am bleeding. I start freaking out, but when I wake up I am so relived to see that it was just a dream. And of course I go check to see if there is any bleeding.

A couple nights ago, I realized that I hadn't really looked through Kaitlyn things in a while. So I got out her stuff and went through the Child Dedication card, her hat and blanket, letters, and everything else. I didn't think I would cry, but as soon as I looked at her name on the Child Dedication Card, I fell apart and started crying. It just hit me...how much I miss Kaitlyn. I am so excited to be expecting another baby, but I also want to be holding Kaitlyn right now. There are still a lot of milestones that I am going to miss with Kaitlyn. We did "tell" Kaitlyn that she's going to have a baby brother or sister and I plan on writing her a letter. I like to keep her as part of our family, which means including her in the joyous occasions.