It's been a while since I last posted. To be honest, I've been avoiding posting because it always brings up a lot of emotion. I'm now almost 23 weeks pregnant. This past month has been really tough. It was around this time when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn that I noticed I hadn't been feeling her move, but I just believed that it was due to having an anterior placenta. The hormones with pregnancy haven't been helping, but lately I've been thinking a lot about Kaitlyn. Many tears have fallen for her this past month. We still have her picture(s) because I like to remember her, but sometimes they can be hard to look at because there is so much emotion behind them.
We found out the gender of this baby and are excited to find out that it's a boy! Chris and I were shocked when the ultrasound tech told us. We both just expected another girl. I must admit, although I am excited that we are having a boy, there's a part of me that's sad that I'm not having a girl. I had been planning for a girl when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I had a nursery decorated in my head, I had plans and dreams of mother-daughter stuff. It was just a little hard to switch off that thinking and now start planning for a boy. I'm scared I won't know what to do with a boy. I think having a boy has helped me differentiate between the two pregnancies. Although, I still occasionally think that my due date is May 5th (as it was with Kaitlyn), instead of April 5th. And even when talking about our baby I occasionally slip up and call him "she". When that happens, I feel so guilty because I don't want this baby to think he's second to Kaitlyn or anything. We love this little guy so much!
Although this pregnancy has been going well, I still get quite anxious occasionally. Thankfully, my midwife has allowed me to come in every 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat and between ultrasound and specialist appt's I've has an appt. every week for a while. We have so many ultrasound pictures of our little man; I just wish we had more of Kaitlyn as well. This little guy has been pretty active as well. With Kaitlyn, I only felt a few kicks and I never got to really experience full out movement. With this pregnancy, I'm starting to feel lots of kicks, even though I have an anterior placenta again. Even with the kicks, I still get nervous that something may go wrong. For example, yesterday, our baby was way less active than he was the previous days. I know this is normal, but the worry started to come. Thankfully, I did feel a few kicks.
I've just recently started to actually plan for this baby. Chris and I went to our storage unit and brought out the baby stuff that we had for Kaitlyn. It was hard because Kaitlyn never got to use these items and I still imagine what she would have looked like in her little pick sleeper. But I've even allowed myself to consider registering for baby stuff, and I enjoy looking a baby stuff in the stores. I still get a pang of sadness when we walk by an adorable little dress that would have looked cute on Kaitlyn, but then I look for a cute outfit for a boy.
We still haven't picked out a name yet. I'm so glad we had Kaitlyn's name picked out early because it would have been to hard to think of a name right after she was born. I think Chris and I are both hoping a name will suddenly come to us, which is what happened with Kaitlyn, but I'm beginning to grow impatient because I want to call our baby by name. So I've started a list of names and we'll just pray about it.
I am definitely not naive about pregnancy anymore. Even though I know everything is going well with this pregnancy, I still know what could happen. I'm not blindly blissful through this journey, but I guess it really makes me appreciate this baby as well and even though I can't wait to meet our little guy, I'm taking the time to enjoy each and every kick, because they are so precious. I wish I could have experienced all the pregnancy joys with Kaitlyn, but I'm also glad I get to experience them now. It's still hard to not think about, what could be. Like I could be preparing for my first Christmas with a baby, but instead I'm pregnant for the second Christmas in a row. But this little guy will have his own Christmas tree ornament, just like Kaitlyn. Next Christmas we will be enjoying it with our baby.
Well, now Chris and I are parents of 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl. I just wish they could have known each other and played together. This little man will know that he has an older sister who is loved and missed. At this point, I have been waiting for over a year to hold my new baby in my arms, I've only got to wait another 17 weeks and my dream will finally come true.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness
We all know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. We've seen the pink ribbons everywhere. Well, October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. These are two issues that I hold close to my heart. But people feel more comfortable discussing cancer, than they do talking about losing a baby. There's so many commercials and walks for breast cancer, but never have I seen a commercial and events supporting pregnancy and infant loss are kept quiet. I know the March of Dimes in the States is working on finding answers. Unfortunately, both issues are all too common. I just wanted to share some numbers with you. We all know that
- Approximately 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. (Possibly twice that many miscarriages happen before the woman realizes that she is pregnant, but of course these are difficult to track.) Of the number of women who miscarry, 20 percent will suffer recurring miscarriage.
- Approximately 1 in 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth, which is a miscarriage after 20 weeks gestation.
- Approximately 1 in 200 pregnancies end in neonatal death, when the baby dies before it is 28 days old.
- Approximately 1 in 400 babies die between the age of 28 days and 11 months.
These aren’t just statistics – these are people. I bet there are women around you who fall into one of these categories, and you may not even know it.
Yesterday, October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It’s a day to remember these babies and to light a candle in their memory. There is supposed to be a “wave of light” across the world; everyone is asked to burn a candle for one hour at 7 PM in their own time zone to keep the wave going.
I don't spend just one day thinking of Kaitlyn. I think of her everyday, but yesterday, was a special day for her. I have the candle from her memorial. I get to light that candle every year. And next year, her little brother or sister will be with us to light that candle.
I was hesitant to write anything on facebook about yesterday. People get uncomfortable talking about losing a baby, but how are we going to step past that taboo without talking about it. After posting an message on facebook...I was so encouraged to see that other people had learned about October 15th, and they lite a candle or were thinking about Kaitlyn as well. I love knowing how much she meant to others as well. So thank you to all those who participated and who knows, maybe that wave will be even brighter next year.
Yesterday, October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It’s a day to remember these babies and to light a candle in their memory. There is supposed to be a “wave of light” across the world; everyone is asked to burn a candle for one hour at 7 PM in their own time zone to keep the wave going.
I don't spend just one day thinking of Kaitlyn. I think of her everyday, but yesterday, was a special day for her. I have the candle from her memorial. I get to light that candle every year. And next year, her little brother or sister will be with us to light that candle.
I was hesitant to write anything on facebook about yesterday. People get uncomfortable talking about losing a baby, but how are we going to step past that taboo without talking about it. After posting an message on facebook...I was so encouraged to see that other people had learned about October 15th, and they lite a candle or were thinking about Kaitlyn as well. I love knowing how much she meant to others as well. So thank you to all those who participated and who knows, maybe that wave will be even brighter next year.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
A Different Child
poem by Pandora MacMillian
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."
Monday, September 21, 2009
Mother of 2
It's been a while since I've posted something. Overall, I'm doing pretty well. A pregnancy following a loss is soooo different from the innocence and naivety a pregnancy without the experience of a loss. I'll be honest, when I first found out I was excited, but quite scared. What if something happened? I've had a couple of breakdowns where I just cried, because I didn't want to lose this baby too, and for Kaitlyn. Once in a while, I feel a little guilty because I'm celebrating a new life, that could only be here because we lost Kaitlyn. And I still wish I had Kaitlyn with me, but that would mean that I wouldn't have this new little one as well. But here I am, with one beautiful baby in Heaven and a new little life growing inside me, whom I'm looking forward to meeting. I'm a mother of 2 children.
Not too long ago, I had a bit of a wrestling session with God. I was thinking about being pregnant again and I have been trying to think positively and believe that I would get to bring this baby home. I wanted to trust that God would keep this one healthy. But how could I trust Him to do that? I mean, even though God didn't take Kaitlyn from us, He also didn't stop it. He didn't bring her back or keep her alive. How can I trust that he will keep this baby safe? There's no guarantee. If He didn't do it for Kaitlyn, why would He do it for this little one? I said out loud go Him, "I don't trust you, right now". I felt so guilty and so sorry. I repented over and over. He doesn't have to prove Himself to me, but it felt so good to be honest with God. He is faithful. I still find myself saying, "If we bring this baby home......", but no matter what, I have a perfect God on my side.
I went to see the OB for the first time at about 10 weeks and I was so nervous going. I was fearful that something might be wrong. I went into the office and we just talked about what to expect during this pregnancy and that once I see the specialist, we will know if I need further intervention. That right there made me nervous, what if we were too late to get the necessary interventions? Well, the OB was great about calming my fears, but understanding why I have them. He said that we could try to hear the heartbeat, but he was doubtful that we would hear it this early on the doppler. I remembered my first visit with the midwife when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I was 12 weeks and I remember it took a while to find the heartbeat, but we did. This time, I was lying on the table, just praying that I would hear a heartbeat, just for reassurance. And it only took maybe 15 seconds and I heard that beautiful sound...my baby's heart!!! God it good!!! The OB was even surprised that we heard anything. Even though God doesn't have to prove Himself, he gave me what I needed during that OB visit. I was reminded that He is with me through it all.
I then scheduled an ultrasound for the following Monday, which was only 4 days away. Even though I had heard the heartbeat, I was still quite nervous for the ultrasound. I'm so grateful that my mom came with me. I went into the ultrasound room and it brought back so many memories again. The last time I had an ultrasound was in the hospital to confirm we had lost Kaitlyn. This time, the tech was so quiet during the ultrasound. I kept trying to read her face, but it showed nothing. I kept thinking that something is wrong and she's trying to hide it from me. When she was done the measurements, she turned the screen around and I was almost ready to hear the words "I'm sorry", but there was a healthy baby moving around. I was so happy and at one point I got to see the heart beating and I just about burst into tears. My mom then came in to see and she was ecstatic to see the baby moving around. It was wonderful and we even got to keep pictures...for free!!
This time around, I'm much more knowledgeable and I wish I had been when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wish I could have advocated for her more. I remember during the 20 week ultrasound with Kaitlyn, we paid $20 for 3 pictures on a CD and the pictures weren't very good. You couldn't really see anything. Chris kept saying that I should go back and ask for better pictures, but I said, the pics weren't too bad and besides, we would have a lifetime to take lots and lots of picture of Kaitlyn. I didn't know that those would be the only pictures we would have of her alive. I wish I had gone back and asked for better pictures.
I spent some time recently looking at Kaitlyn's things. I still miss her so much, and I don't think that will go away, but I'm starting to get excited about our new baby. I'm having more difficulty connecting with this one, I think because I'm still nervous, but I love it when Chris talks to my belly and talks about our new baby, because I can share in his excitement.
This new little one is going to be so loved!! I'm looking forward to meeting him or her. Most people think that this one will be a boy, but they also thought the same thing of Kaitlyn, and she was a beautiful baby girl.
Chris and I continue to talk about Kaitlyn and how old she would be. I was in 2 weddings recently and through both of them, Chris and I talked about how he would be holding Kaitlyn while I was in one wedding and my parents would take care of her while we were both in my brother's wedding. I had a great time at the weddings, but at my brothers wedding I was watching the father daughter dance and I started crying because Chris would never get to experience that with Kaitlyn. And even during the mother son dance, the song talked about seeing her child grow and mature, and I was sad that I would never see Kaitlyn grow up. But, I liked that I cried during those times, it's like she was still a part of us during that day.
Chris and I are looking forward to one day telling this child about Kaitlyn.
Not too long ago, I had a bit of a wrestling session with God. I was thinking about being pregnant again and I have been trying to think positively and believe that I would get to bring this baby home. I wanted to trust that God would keep this one healthy. But how could I trust Him to do that? I mean, even though God didn't take Kaitlyn from us, He also didn't stop it. He didn't bring her back or keep her alive. How can I trust that he will keep this baby safe? There's no guarantee. If He didn't do it for Kaitlyn, why would He do it for this little one? I said out loud go Him, "I don't trust you, right now". I felt so guilty and so sorry. I repented over and over. He doesn't have to prove Himself to me, but it felt so good to be honest with God. He is faithful. I still find myself saying, "If we bring this baby home......", but no matter what, I have a perfect God on my side.
I went to see the OB for the first time at about 10 weeks and I was so nervous going. I was fearful that something might be wrong. I went into the office and we just talked about what to expect during this pregnancy and that once I see the specialist, we will know if I need further intervention. That right there made me nervous, what if we were too late to get the necessary interventions? Well, the OB was great about calming my fears, but understanding why I have them. He said that we could try to hear the heartbeat, but he was doubtful that we would hear it this early on the doppler. I remembered my first visit with the midwife when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I was 12 weeks and I remember it took a while to find the heartbeat, but we did. This time, I was lying on the table, just praying that I would hear a heartbeat, just for reassurance. And it only took maybe 15 seconds and I heard that beautiful sound...my baby's heart!!! God it good!!! The OB was even surprised that we heard anything. Even though God doesn't have to prove Himself, he gave me what I needed during that OB visit. I was reminded that He is with me through it all.
I then scheduled an ultrasound for the following Monday, which was only 4 days away. Even though I had heard the heartbeat, I was still quite nervous for the ultrasound. I'm so grateful that my mom came with me. I went into the ultrasound room and it brought back so many memories again. The last time I had an ultrasound was in the hospital to confirm we had lost Kaitlyn. This time, the tech was so quiet during the ultrasound. I kept trying to read her face, but it showed nothing. I kept thinking that something is wrong and she's trying to hide it from me. When she was done the measurements, she turned the screen around and I was almost ready to hear the words "I'm sorry", but there was a healthy baby moving around. I was so happy and at one point I got to see the heart beating and I just about burst into tears. My mom then came in to see and she was ecstatic to see the baby moving around. It was wonderful and we even got to keep pictures...for free!!
This time around, I'm much more knowledgeable and I wish I had been when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wish I could have advocated for her more. I remember during the 20 week ultrasound with Kaitlyn, we paid $20 for 3 pictures on a CD and the pictures weren't very good. You couldn't really see anything. Chris kept saying that I should go back and ask for better pictures, but I said, the pics weren't too bad and besides, we would have a lifetime to take lots and lots of picture of Kaitlyn. I didn't know that those would be the only pictures we would have of her alive. I wish I had gone back and asked for better pictures.
I spent some time recently looking at Kaitlyn's things. I still miss her so much, and I don't think that will go away, but I'm starting to get excited about our new baby. I'm having more difficulty connecting with this one, I think because I'm still nervous, but I love it when Chris talks to my belly and talks about our new baby, because I can share in his excitement.
This new little one is going to be so loved!! I'm looking forward to meeting him or her. Most people think that this one will be a boy, but they also thought the same thing of Kaitlyn, and she was a beautiful baby girl.
Chris and I continue to talk about Kaitlyn and how old she would be. I was in 2 weddings recently and through both of them, Chris and I talked about how he would be holding Kaitlyn while I was in one wedding and my parents would take care of her while we were both in my brother's wedding. I had a great time at the weddings, but at my brothers wedding I was watching the father daughter dance and I started crying because Chris would never get to experience that with Kaitlyn. And even during the mother son dance, the song talked about seeing her child grow and mature, and I was sad that I would never see Kaitlyn grow up. But, I liked that I cried during those times, it's like she was still a part of us during that day.
Chris and I are looking forward to one day telling this child about Kaitlyn.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
WOW
Now that Chris' parents finally know..I can post this!
I had my first appt. with Dr. Laskin, the rheumatoligist, on July 28th. I got a call from his office the day before asking if I could come in the following day as they had a cancellation. Of course I could! I was actually excited to get the process going.
Dr. Laskin was kind and sensitive about our loss. He gave me a very quick physical and basically talked about our loss. He said that it sounds like it could be due to clotting issues as well, but after thinking about it further, I'm not quite convinced. Mainly because Kaitlyn was measuring right on track during our ultrasound, and because she passed away weeks before she was born, she probably lost some weight. Well, they took some blood and did other tests, and I have an appt. at the end of Sept. to discuss results.
Now the exciting news. I got a call from Dr. Laskins office the day after my appt. Apparently, they also did a pregancy test.......and it was positive!!! So of course I did my own tests and both were positive. They were actually the same type of pregnancy tests that I used when I found out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wasn't going to buy them this time around, but they were on sale. Anyways, Dr. Laskin's office wanted me to follow up with my family doctor, which I did, and I am pregnant. I haven't had any ultrasounds or anything like that yet, so I'm excited, but also praying that everything is okay in there.
A couple days after I found out I was pregnant, I had my meltdown. I couldn't concentrate all day and I kept thinking that there is a chance I may lose this baby too. I just got so scared. How could I get through that again? I eventually told Chris about my fears. He hugged me and reminded me that there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this pregnancy. I can be healthy and take my necessary precautions, vitamins, baby aspirin, etc, but that's really it. At first, I was annoyed with the response, but I quickly came to realize that he was right. After that realization, I gave up my delusional control to God, and I have felt pretty good since then. I rarely, if ever, become fearful about losing our baby. Yes, the thoughts come into my head, but I give those fears to God and enjoy the time I have with this baby. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby! I have had 2 miscarriage dreams so far, where I dream that I am bleeding. I start freaking out, but when I wake up I am so relived to see that it was just a dream. And of course I go check to see if there is any bleeding.
A couple nights ago, I realized that I hadn't really looked through Kaitlyn things in a while. So I got out her stuff and went through the Child Dedication card, her hat and blanket, letters, and everything else. I didn't think I would cry, but as soon as I looked at her name on the Child Dedication Card, I fell apart and started crying. It just hit me...how much I miss Kaitlyn. I am so excited to be expecting another baby, but I also want to be holding Kaitlyn right now. There are still a lot of milestones that I am going to miss with Kaitlyn. We did "tell" Kaitlyn that she's going to have a baby brother or sister and I plan on writing her a letter. I like to keep her as part of our family, which means including her in the joyous occasions.
I had my first appt. with Dr. Laskin, the rheumatoligist, on July 28th. I got a call from his office the day before asking if I could come in the following day as they had a cancellation. Of course I could! I was actually excited to get the process going.
Dr. Laskin was kind and sensitive about our loss. He gave me a very quick physical and basically talked about our loss. He said that it sounds like it could be due to clotting issues as well, but after thinking about it further, I'm not quite convinced. Mainly because Kaitlyn was measuring right on track during our ultrasound, and because she passed away weeks before she was born, she probably lost some weight. Well, they took some blood and did other tests, and I have an appt. at the end of Sept. to discuss results.
Now the exciting news. I got a call from Dr. Laskins office the day after my appt. Apparently, they also did a pregancy test.......and it was positive!!! So of course I did my own tests and both were positive. They were actually the same type of pregnancy tests that I used when I found out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wasn't going to buy them this time around, but they were on sale. Anyways, Dr. Laskin's office wanted me to follow up with my family doctor, which I did, and I am pregnant. I haven't had any ultrasounds or anything like that yet, so I'm excited, but also praying that everything is okay in there.
A couple days after I found out I was pregnant, I had my meltdown. I couldn't concentrate all day and I kept thinking that there is a chance I may lose this baby too. I just got so scared. How could I get through that again? I eventually told Chris about my fears. He hugged me and reminded me that there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this pregnancy. I can be healthy and take my necessary precautions, vitamins, baby aspirin, etc, but that's really it. At first, I was annoyed with the response, but I quickly came to realize that he was right. After that realization, I gave up my delusional control to God, and I have felt pretty good since then. I rarely, if ever, become fearful about losing our baby. Yes, the thoughts come into my head, but I give those fears to God and enjoy the time I have with this baby. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby! I have had 2 miscarriage dreams so far, where I dream that I am bleeding. I start freaking out, but when I wake up I am so relived to see that it was just a dream. And of course I go check to see if there is any bleeding.
A couple nights ago, I realized that I hadn't really looked through Kaitlyn things in a while. So I got out her stuff and went through the Child Dedication card, her hat and blanket, letters, and everything else. I didn't think I would cry, but as soon as I looked at her name on the Child Dedication Card, I fell apart and started crying. It just hit me...how much I miss Kaitlyn. I am so excited to be expecting another baby, but I also want to be holding Kaitlyn right now. There are still a lot of milestones that I am going to miss with Kaitlyn. We did "tell" Kaitlyn that she's going to have a baby brother or sister and I plan on writing her a letter. I like to keep her as part of our family, which means including her in the joyous occasions.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Anger
Through everything, I felt some anger at times over losing Kaitlyn, but I've never experienced anger like I did on Thursday. I accidentally saw a picture of my friend's baby who was due a few weeks after me.....stupid facebook (that's why I don't go on facebook often), and I just lost it. I was so full of anger, I just wanted to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I mean, why did Kaitlyn have to die, why didn't I get to be a part of that wonderful, yet exclusiuve, group called motherhood, why didn't I get to bring home my baby and see her grow, and cuddle with her and see her smile? I've asked" why" throughout our loss so many times, and many times I'm okay with not knowing the answer, but just asking "why" seems to help. I try to be happy for all those women who have babies with no problems, but I'm just so jealous because I was so close to having that as well. I feel like I am deserving, that I've done things right, so why don't I get a baby? Why those other women and not me? When I look at other women, pregnant or with their babies, I ache for Kaitlyn, it's not like I want their babies, I just want my Kaitlyn. I'm sure that one day, I will get to have my baby, but with each month that passes it's just seems like that dream is getting farther away.
I do want to add that when Chris got home that night, the poor guy had to come home to my bad mood. I did give him warning and told him that I was feeling incredibly angry about not having Kaitlyn with us and I apologized and told him that if I happen to say anything mean to him, I'm sorry and I don't mean it. Well, he let me be angry, and he even took me into my bedroom, set up some pillows and let me punch them as hard as I could. It actually helped me feel better, and I didn't say anything mean to my loving husband because he gave me another outlet for my anger. I am so blessed, Chris is the most amazing husband, he exceeds the man of my dreams.
I do want to add that when Chris got home that night, the poor guy had to come home to my bad mood. I did give him warning and told him that I was feeling incredibly angry about not having Kaitlyn with us and I apologized and told him that if I happen to say anything mean to him, I'm sorry and I don't mean it. Well, he let me be angry, and he even took me into my bedroom, set up some pillows and let me punch them as hard as I could. It actually helped me feel better, and I didn't say anything mean to my loving husband because he gave me another outlet for my anger. I am so blessed, Chris is the most amazing husband, he exceeds the man of my dreams.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
"I'll never not remember you"
So I recently took out Kaitlyn's things again, just to look over and I started reading all the cards that we received after we lost Kaitlyn. It was so wonderful to read over the messages and be reminded of how many people care about Chris, Kaitlyn, and I. I teared up while reading the cards because it bought back some memories, but I'm so glad I kept them. There is comfort in reading those cards. I know that other people have moved on from our loss as there are other important things in their lives, but it was a great reminded of the love we did receive. There's one card in particular that I absolutely love, and it was perfect for the occasion. It has a picture of Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh standing on a wooden bridge looking over a river. The narration on the front of the card reads:
I'll never "move on", I keep living life and enjoying what it brings, but I will always remember and think of my Kaitlyn. She's still in my thoughts for most of my days because everything reminds me of her or our dreams and plans for her.
"Christopher Robin?" asked Pooh.
"Yes, Pooh Bear." replied Christopher Robin
"I'll never not remember you." said Pooh to Christopher Robin.
I love that line, "I'll never not remember you." Chris and I like to say that to Kaitlyn when we're looking at her stuff or even if we're talking about her.
I love that line, "I'll never not remember you." Chris and I like to say that to Kaitlyn when we're looking at her stuff or even if we're talking about her.
I'll never "move on", I keep living life and enjoying what it brings, but I will always remember and think of my Kaitlyn. She's still in my thoughts for most of my days because everything reminds me of her or our dreams and plans for her.
Monday, July 13, 2009
My Birthday
It's my birthday today. I'm turning 29. I usually get pretty excited about my birthday. I like celebrating it and I never minded getting older. But this birthday is different. It was supposed to be a birthday that I got to celebrate with my daughter. I was going to celebrate all the wonderful things that happened during my 28th year, but instead, my birthday is not all that different from last years. To people looking in, my life is pretty much the same, they don't see a baby or mother, but I am a different person. I am a mom, without a baby to hold.
I still want to celebrate my birthday with the people I love. But this birthday is hard because it's not how I had pictured my life to be when I was 29. I was expecting to have someone offer to babysit Kaitlyn for a while so that maybe I could get a spa treatment or something, just to give me some time to myself. But instead, I have too much time to myself. I don't have a baby to care for so I don't need a spa treatment to re-energize. How selfish of me, I just want to spend every single moment with my daughter, how could I even consider wanting to be away from her.
Chris and I just really miss Kaitlyn. We're going to spend time looking at Kaitlyn's stuff today. We are often talking about how old Kaitlyn would be if she was born on her due date and what kinds of things she would be doing. I think he would have gotten me a birthday card and signed Kaitlyn's name on it or maybe put her handprint on it. It's just not fair!! My life was supposed to be so different today.
I still want to celebrate my birthday with the people I love. But this birthday is hard because it's not how I had pictured my life to be when I was 29. I was expecting to have someone offer to babysit Kaitlyn for a while so that maybe I could get a spa treatment or something, just to give me some time to myself. But instead, I have too much time to myself. I don't have a baby to care for so I don't need a spa treatment to re-energize. How selfish of me, I just want to spend every single moment with my daughter, how could I even consider wanting to be away from her.
Chris and I just really miss Kaitlyn. We're going to spend time looking at Kaitlyn's stuff today. We are often talking about how old Kaitlyn would be if she was born on her due date and what kinds of things she would be doing. I think he would have gotten me a birthday card and signed Kaitlyn's name on it or maybe put her handprint on it. It's just not fair!! My life was supposed to be so different today.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Spring turns to Summer
I had a fabulous time at Steph's Bachelorette on the weekend. We had a lot of fun. I find that I can enjoy non-baby related events now! Even when Trev, Steph, and I went to a concert there was a pregnant woman in front of me and beside of me. It seems like I'm a magnet of preggies, but I did not cry, I actually enjoyed the concert. I just avoided looking at them as best as I could. I think it helped that I didn't know them as well. Small victories.
However, after I got home from the Bachelorette, I kind of got in a slump. Yet another BFN and AF showed. I think I just felt discouraged and hormonal. The anger and sadness of the loss hit me again, I just felt frustrated. How come it's taking so long? I try to remind myself that I don't know the big picture, only God does and I do trust Him, but I'm like a little kid who wants it now. However, I just have to trust God when He says "not yet" and when I ask "why", I just have to be content with his answer of "Because". I really do put my full trust and faith in Him, but it hurts to be so close to having something so precious and then losing it and not being able to get it back. I know that He is my hope and joy and I can always run back to Him, even after I've thrown my tantrum.
I was talking to Chris and sometimes it feels like time is irrevelant. I can barely even register that we are in summer, to me, I think I'm just stuck in spring. We both feel that our lives have been reset. We're back to where we were a year ago, with a few changes. I'm having a hard time enjoying the passing of time. My birthday is coming up and usually I'm excited about it, but this year, I'm just reminded that I'm turning 29 and instead of having my 2 month old baby Kaitlyn, my arms are empty. I like thinking about what I would be doing with her, but when I am hormonal, it just hurts and I miss her. I want to look forward to events, but all the events we have planned, Kaitlyn was supposed to be there with us, so even those events are reminders of what we lost.
My heart has been hurting these past few days. I'm just really missing being able to take care of my baby today. I wonder what she would be doing. I bet she would be starting to hold up her head and body and even trying to roll over. I would get to hear her giggle when she was being tickled.
Well, onto a new day and after getting all that off my chest, I can lift my voice and thank God for all that He has given me and I will praise Him for He is Good. He has carried me through all of this and He continues to craddle me.
However, after I got home from the Bachelorette, I kind of got in a slump. Yet another BFN and AF showed. I think I just felt discouraged and hormonal. The anger and sadness of the loss hit me again, I just felt frustrated. How come it's taking so long? I try to remind myself that I don't know the big picture, only God does and I do trust Him, but I'm like a little kid who wants it now. However, I just have to trust God when He says "not yet" and when I ask "why", I just have to be content with his answer of "Because". I really do put my full trust and faith in Him, but it hurts to be so close to having something so precious and then losing it and not being able to get it back. I know that He is my hope and joy and I can always run back to Him, even after I've thrown my tantrum.
I was talking to Chris and sometimes it feels like time is irrevelant. I can barely even register that we are in summer, to me, I think I'm just stuck in spring. We both feel that our lives have been reset. We're back to where we were a year ago, with a few changes. I'm having a hard time enjoying the passing of time. My birthday is coming up and usually I'm excited about it, but this year, I'm just reminded that I'm turning 29 and instead of having my 2 month old baby Kaitlyn, my arms are empty. I like thinking about what I would be doing with her, but when I am hormonal, it just hurts and I miss her. I want to look forward to events, but all the events we have planned, Kaitlyn was supposed to be there with us, so even those events are reminders of what we lost.
My heart has been hurting these past few days. I'm just really missing being able to take care of my baby today. I wonder what she would be doing. I bet she would be starting to hold up her head and body and even trying to roll over. I would get to hear her giggle when she was being tickled.
Well, onto a new day and after getting all that off my chest, I can lift my voice and thank God for all that He has given me and I will praise Him for He is Good. He has carried me through all of this and He continues to craddle me.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Why Chris is a wonderful father
We celebrated Father's Day yesterday. It was good, although I felt that Chris didn't get the recognition he really deserves. He is a wonderful father. Even throughout my pregnancy, Chris would spend time talking and singing to my belly. He prayed for Kaitlyn almost every day. He eagerly participated in choosing out the things and he made some pretty good suggestions. We enjoyed talking about how we would raise our children and he loved listening to Focus on the Family to get some great ideas. He was eager to purchase parenting books and watch parenting shows so he could raise truly great kids. When we lost Kaitlyn Chris was always there for me and her. We cried together and he let me talk to him about my feelings. He was my safe place. He never told me that my emotions were wrong or that I was crying too much, he just there as a comfort. When I was in labour, Chris rubbed my back and stayed the night with me. He would get me anything I needed. When he held Kaitlyn, he was so natural with her. He held her and rocked her gently as he was talking to other people in the room, she belonged in his arms. He participated in all the arrangements for Kaitlyn and her memorial. He wanted to take the responsibility and provide for his daughter. Since we lost her Chris continues to spend time with Kaitlyn and I. He is often the one who suggests that we look through her things. He cradles her heart shaped box and cuddles with her blanket. He strokes her little hat and reads through the child dedication card and other mementos. He continues to discuss how we can include Kaitlyn in our family and he has lots of great ideas.
Chris is already excited about our future kids as well. We pray for our future children together and we continue to talk about how we want to raise our kids. He lets me go on and on about children's names and he even comes up with some good suggestion. After all, it was Chris who came up with the name Kaitlyn (although, he let me choose the spelling). He is excited about getting pregnant again and can't wait to bring more children into the world. I know he wants lots of kids. Chris is wonderful with his neices. He is patient and gives them lots of attention. He just adores them. He has so much love and I know he will just pour lots of love onto his own kids as well. There are so many reasons why Chris is already a great father so I want to wish him a Happy Father's Day, because he deserves it as much as any other father.
Chris is already excited about our future kids as well. We pray for our future children together and we continue to talk about how we want to raise our kids. He lets me go on and on about children's names and he even comes up with some good suggestion. After all, it was Chris who came up with the name Kaitlyn (although, he let me choose the spelling). He is excited about getting pregnant again and can't wait to bring more children into the world. I know he wants lots of kids. Chris is wonderful with his neices. He is patient and gives them lots of attention. He just adores them. He has so much love and I know he will just pour lots of love onto his own kids as well. There are so many reasons why Chris is already a great father so I want to wish him a Happy Father's Day, because he deserves it as much as any other father.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Appointment update and Father's Day
I finally heard back from the specialist, Dr. Laskin's office. I have an appointment scheduled for August 24th, however, I'm on their cancellation list so hopefully I may be able to get in sooner. That would be so awesome. I just want to get a definitive answer about this lupus anticoagulant marker. From what I understand, it is not unusual to get a false positive, in which case, I wouldn't need to be put on blood thinners during pregnancy. However, if I am positive, I would need blood thinners and I would need to be monitored more closely. Since I did lose Kaitlyn, I expect that my next pregnancy would be monitored closely, in fact, I will probably insist on it for my own peace of mind. At this point, all I want is a healthy baby, but an extra bonus would be to be negative for the anticoagulant marker and be able to have a natural pregnancy, as we had done with Kaitlyn.
Last night, I was lying in bed, thinking about my Kaitlyn, when I just got an overwhelming urge to hold her, and comfort her. I wanted to hear her cry so I could run to her and pick her up and rock her back to sleep. I've been feeling very nurturing lately. I want my baby to nurture, but instead, Chris is getting all that nurturing, luckily, he's enjoying it. With Father's day approaching, I've been thinking about something to do for Chris. I think this day will be a bit easier for me than mother's day, but I had really wanted to be able to make something with Kaitlyn's hand prints or something. Instead, his gift will be about memories, rather than marvelling at how much our baby had grown in the past month. But Chris deserves to be celebrated as well. We have both gone through one of the hardest experience any parent has ever had to go through and he has been such an amazing husband and father to Kaitlyn through it all, I want to show him how appreciated he is.
Last night, I was lying in bed, thinking about my Kaitlyn, when I just got an overwhelming urge to hold her, and comfort her. I wanted to hear her cry so I could run to her and pick her up and rock her back to sleep. I've been feeling very nurturing lately. I want my baby to nurture, but instead, Chris is getting all that nurturing, luckily, he's enjoying it. With Father's day approaching, I've been thinking about something to do for Chris. I think this day will be a bit easier for me than mother's day, but I had really wanted to be able to make something with Kaitlyn's hand prints or something. Instead, his gift will be about memories, rather than marvelling at how much our baby had grown in the past month. But Chris deserves to be celebrated as well. We have both gone through one of the hardest experience any parent has ever had to go through and he has been such an amazing husband and father to Kaitlyn through it all, I want to show him how appreciated he is.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Do you have any kids?
So I finally used a gift certificate I had for a manicure/pedicure that I got for Christmas. I had been saving it because I wanted to use it after Kaitlyn was born, but since we lost her, I hadn't been able to actually bring myself to use it. It was about to expire, so I made an appointment for a manicure and massage. It was actually nice to get something done for myself.
While I was getting my nails done the manicurist and I were talking. Of course, kids came up in conversation and she asked if I had any kids yet. It is a seemingly innocent question, but to someone who has lost a child, especially had a miscarriage or stillborn, it is an agonizing question. Do I answer honestly and say I have a child in Heaven, which quickly makes a nice conversation awkward, but it allows me to acknowledge my child. Or do you say, "not yet, but hopefully we will soon.", which allows the conversation to keep going, but makes you feel guilty afterwards. This has happened twice so far. While I was at a spa in Wawa, the pedicurist asked if I had any kids and I told her that we did have a daughter who was stillborn in my 6th month of pregnancy. Of course, she said the obligatory "I'm sorry", which I do appreciate hearing. So I went on to say that we are doing alright, we have lots of support, and we do hope to expand our family in the near future. The conversation did take a little stumble, but I was able to ask her a question to change topics, which helped. At the spa this week, when I was asked the same question, I didn't want pour out my heart to this manicurist, so I paused for a few moments, weighed my options, and I chose option #2 and said we don't have kids yet, but we hope to soon. The conversation kept moving easily from there, but I was racked with guilt. I just denied my daughter's existence. After answering the same, difficult question 2 different ways, I will often answer that question by saying that we have a child in heaven and we hope to expand our family soon. I will then go on to change the subject if I need to, or the person may have questions or may relate to my story. It will allow me to acknowledge my daughter, who will always be an important member of our family.
While I was getting my nails done the manicurist and I were talking. Of course, kids came up in conversation and she asked if I had any kids yet. It is a seemingly innocent question, but to someone who has lost a child, especially had a miscarriage or stillborn, it is an agonizing question. Do I answer honestly and say I have a child in Heaven, which quickly makes a nice conversation awkward, but it allows me to acknowledge my child. Or do you say, "not yet, but hopefully we will soon.", which allows the conversation to keep going, but makes you feel guilty afterwards. This has happened twice so far. While I was at a spa in Wawa, the pedicurist asked if I had any kids and I told her that we did have a daughter who was stillborn in my 6th month of pregnancy. Of course, she said the obligatory "I'm sorry", which I do appreciate hearing. So I went on to say that we are doing alright, we have lots of support, and we do hope to expand our family in the near future. The conversation did take a little stumble, but I was able to ask her a question to change topics, which helped. At the spa this week, when I was asked the same question, I didn't want pour out my heart to this manicurist, so I paused for a few moments, weighed my options, and I chose option #2 and said we don't have kids yet, but we hope to soon. The conversation kept moving easily from there, but I was racked with guilt. I just denied my daughter's existence. After answering the same, difficult question 2 different ways, I will often answer that question by saying that we have a child in heaven and we hope to expand our family soon. I will then go on to change the subject if I need to, or the person may have questions or may relate to my story. It will allow me to acknowledge my daughter, who will always be an important member of our family.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Weekend filled with fun and emotion
Well, this weekend I had 2 showers to go to. I had a lot of fun at both the showers! I think it helped that there were no pregnant women or babies around. All the talk was around wedding, which was wonderful. I have a difficult time in conversations about babies or pregnancies. When people talk about pregnancies, I sometimes want to contribute my pregnant experiences because I was far enough along to get to enjoy lots of symptoms. But I never know if other people want to hear about it. Because my pregnancy had such an unhappy ending, some people just don't want to be reminded of it. I, of course, love talking about it, because it's my baby. It's also hard to hear about other people's pregnancies, especially when they are complaining about it, because these women just don't seem to appreciate the the blessing that come along with the symptoms. Yes, I went through awful morning sickness (Chris can attest to that!), but I would gladly throw up every day for 9 months if it meant I got to have a healthy baby in the end. I miss being pregnant. I never got to fully enjoy it to the end. I never got to experience the joy of holding a squirmy baby. I am so happy that I got to hold Kaitlyn, but I didn't want to have to hand her back to the nurse, I wanted to bring her home with me. She belonged in my arms.
Yesterday, Chris and I went to church and a girl I had seen grow up was there with her husband, visiting her family. They got married maybe a year ago and she was already about 6.5 months pregnant. Well, I just lost it. I couldn't keep from crying. I wanted to be so happy for her, because it is supposed to be a joyous time during life, but it was just such a blatant reminder of what I lost. I had to have Chris take me home, where we cried together and looked over Kaitlyn's things again. Lately, whenever I see pregnant women or hear people talking about being pregnant (even in movies), the first thing that pops into my head is "Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you'll get to have a baby. I know from experience." (I just read that and it doesn't sound bitter in my head, there's more a tone of sadness) How awful is that!? As soon as it pops into my head I ask God to fill me with hope and joy for those pregnant women. But, I've only been pregnant once, so that's the only experience I have of pregnancy. Logically, it makes sense, but I can't let myself continue thinking like that.
More and more, I have been thinking about future pregnancies and when I think about being pregnant again, I just assume that my next baby will be alive and healthy. I think I will jump back and forth between anxiety and hope, but I pray that I will spend a majority of that pregnancy enjoying it and believing that I will be holding my healthy baby at the end of those 9 months. Now, if only I could get pregnant....
Yesterday, Chris and I went to church and a girl I had seen grow up was there with her husband, visiting her family. They got married maybe a year ago and she was already about 6.5 months pregnant. Well, I just lost it. I couldn't keep from crying. I wanted to be so happy for her, because it is supposed to be a joyous time during life, but it was just such a blatant reminder of what I lost. I had to have Chris take me home, where we cried together and looked over Kaitlyn's things again. Lately, whenever I see pregnant women or hear people talking about being pregnant (even in movies), the first thing that pops into my head is "Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you'll get to have a baby. I know from experience." (I just read that and it doesn't sound bitter in my head, there's more a tone of sadness) How awful is that!? As soon as it pops into my head I ask God to fill me with hope and joy for those pregnant women. But, I've only been pregnant once, so that's the only experience I have of pregnancy. Logically, it makes sense, but I can't let myself continue thinking like that.
More and more, I have been thinking about future pregnancies and when I think about being pregnant again, I just assume that my next baby will be alive and healthy. I think I will jump back and forth between anxiety and hope, but I pray that I will spend a majority of that pregnancy enjoying it and believing that I will be holding my healthy baby at the end of those 9 months. Now, if only I could get pregnant....
Friday, May 29, 2009
A hard day
It's beautiful and sunny out and unfortunately, my mood doesn't reflect this gorgeous weather. Today, it not a good day for me. AF showed today, and that is always a downer. It only reminds me that I'm not pregnant, and I don't have a baby to hold. Every time she shows, I feel like I'm getting further and further away from every having kids. Plus, I'm emotional during this time, which doesn't help. Lately it seems that AF always corresponds with bridal showers, so I'm just a big emotional mess and it take a lot of effort just to hold it together and be happy for everyone around me. I had an okay cry today. My heart felt like it was aching. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears, but I can't let them out because I people think I shouldn't be crying like this anymore. But when do you ever stop crying over the loss of your child. Yes, each crying session may become further apart, but you will never stop crying for your child. When I look around at the family I will have someday, I will be happy to be blessed with them, but I will also ache a little because my family is missing one of it's members. Oh, how I miss Kaitlyn so much today! It's a beautiful day to take a baby for a walk, but I just don't feel like going out. I will go to the store, but only because I have to.
I just long to feel a life inside me, my arms ache to hold my baby. Chris did remind me that my hope and joy is not in having a baby, but is in the Lord. How true that is! But it still hurts, and I still get disappointed, and I still miss her so much.
I'm just hoping and praying that I will be able to hold it together this weekend.
I just long to feel a life inside me, my arms ache to hold my baby. Chris did remind me that my hope and joy is not in having a baby, but is in the Lord. How true that is! But it still hurts, and I still get disappointed, and I still miss her so much.
I'm just hoping and praying that I will be able to hold it together this weekend.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Visiting the In-Laws!
It's been a while since I wrote something, so I thought today would be a good day to write. I've been doing pretty well, overall. Chris and I went to visit his parents in Wawa last week, which was wonderful. We had a good time there, and it was nice to be able to visit his parents, without too much interruption. I had a chance to talk about Kaitlyn a bit, which I love to do. There was only one small tearful afternoon. Chris had put in a home video of Christmas 2008 at his sister's house. It was one of the last events where I was still pregnant with Kaitlyn. I loved being pregnant and I cherish those memories, but it was hard re-living it over again. I was so happy then, and excited about our baby. Not too long after that day was the appointment where we couldn't find Kaitlyn's heartbeat. I just really wanted to be holding Kaitlyn and it just made me miss her even more. I didn't actually watch the video, I just caught a glimpse of it and that was enough to bring me to tears. But, I got through it and enjoyed the rest of my time there.
There was even a moment when we were looking at pictures. I thought we were looking at an album of our wedding pictures, but there were also pictures of my pregnant belly, when Kaitlyn was born, and her memorial. At first it caught me off guard, but I quickly enjoyed looking at those pictures. Yes, it was sad looking at the pictures, but I felt so happy seeing Kaitlyn's life added to an album showing our life together. She is such an important part of our life, and while some may have left our her pictures because it would be too difficult to look at, Chris' parents chose to include her in our life, where she belongs.
I've had moments of missing her lately. My arms just feel so empty. She should be here now. We should be experiencing major sleep deprivation and revelling in each new sound or motion she makes. We hope that she will get a new brother or sister soon, but until then, I kind of feel like I'm in limbo. I don't look at her things often, but I like wearing the garnet necklace we bought for her. Occasionally, I rub the necklace and kiss it. It lets me feel a bit closer to her.
On a side note, Chris got a job! And the job is here in Newmarket! Chris and I had so many plans, but those plans keep changing so quickly. More and more we've been putting our trust in God. After losing Kaitlyn, we felt like nothing really mattered. But He had been healing us and reminding us that we still have a life to live, which will include the memories of Kaitlyn. He has also been providing for us over and over again. Here we thought we would be moving to Waterloo, but God dropped a great job for Chris right in his lap. I guess we're to stay around Newmarket a bit longer. The Lord never ceases to amaze me!! I don't know why I always worry about things, God always provides and although He doesn't have to, He proves Himself to me over and over again. He is so faithful!
There was even a moment when we were looking at pictures. I thought we were looking at an album of our wedding pictures, but there were also pictures of my pregnant belly, when Kaitlyn was born, and her memorial. At first it caught me off guard, but I quickly enjoyed looking at those pictures. Yes, it was sad looking at the pictures, but I felt so happy seeing Kaitlyn's life added to an album showing our life together. She is such an important part of our life, and while some may have left our her pictures because it would be too difficult to look at, Chris' parents chose to include her in our life, where she belongs.
I've had moments of missing her lately. My arms just feel so empty. She should be here now. We should be experiencing major sleep deprivation and revelling in each new sound or motion she makes. We hope that she will get a new brother or sister soon, but until then, I kind of feel like I'm in limbo. I don't look at her things often, but I like wearing the garnet necklace we bought for her. Occasionally, I rub the necklace and kiss it. It lets me feel a bit closer to her.
On a side note, Chris got a job! And the job is here in Newmarket! Chris and I had so many plans, but those plans keep changing so quickly. More and more we've been putting our trust in God. After losing Kaitlyn, we felt like nothing really mattered. But He had been healing us and reminding us that we still have a life to live, which will include the memories of Kaitlyn. He has also been providing for us over and over again. Here we thought we would be moving to Waterloo, but God dropped a great job for Chris right in his lap. I guess we're to stay around Newmarket a bit longer. The Lord never ceases to amaze me!! I don't know why I always worry about things, God always provides and although He doesn't have to, He proves Himself to me over and over again. He is so faithful!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Mother's Day
Mother's Day weekend has come and gone. Believe it or not, but the shower I went to the day before was harder than mother's day. Mainly because there was a girl at the shower who was 22 weeks pregnant and it was my first time being at a gathering with someone who is pregnant. I tried my best not to look at her because every time I did, I would tear up, but it's like when you bite your cheek and you keep poking at the sore with your tongue, it hurts, but you just can't stop yourself. Anyways, later that night I had a really good cry. I was really missing where I should be with Kaitlyn. Chris and I took out Kaitlyn's things and looked over them. It felt nice to have a good cry. I got to be close to my husband and daughter together.
I think the cry emptied me out for Mother's Day. I went to church knowing that there was going to be a baby dedication and I had decided that I was going to try to sit through it. However, the family who's baby was being dedicated didn't show up, so I didn't have to go through it. The sermon was great and the pastor prayed for all moms, including women who had lost their children, women who wanted children but couldn't get pregnant, women who's children were wayward, for people who had lost their moms, and for women who are in a great season of their life with their family. I got a lump in my throat during the prayer, but it was great to be included. A few people at church did wish me a happy mother's day, which was wonderful to hear. I was so nice because it means that they were acknowledging my daughter as well.
I'm going to be honest, as mother's day approached, I felt like I didn't deserve to be included in mother's day. Yes, I have a child, but mother's day always seemed to be about giving a busy mom a well deserved day off. She is always busy taking care of her kids, so they are honouring the work that she does. However, I was reminded that I had gone through the hardest thing that any mother would ever have to go through. I had to say goodbye to my baby, I lost my child. I would give anything to be over tired, and over worked looking after my child. I did deserve to be included on mother's day.
I just want to thank everyone who said "Happy Mother's Day" to me and who included me in mother's day. It was really special. This was my first ever mother's day as a mom. It's definitely not what I wanted, but I did get celebrate the fact that I do have a daughter and I am a mom.
I think the cry emptied me out for Mother's Day. I went to church knowing that there was going to be a baby dedication and I had decided that I was going to try to sit through it. However, the family who's baby was being dedicated didn't show up, so I didn't have to go through it. The sermon was great and the pastor prayed for all moms, including women who had lost their children, women who wanted children but couldn't get pregnant, women who's children were wayward, for people who had lost their moms, and for women who are in a great season of their life with their family. I got a lump in my throat during the prayer, but it was great to be included. A few people at church did wish me a happy mother's day, which was wonderful to hear. I was so nice because it means that they were acknowledging my daughter as well.
I'm going to be honest, as mother's day approached, I felt like I didn't deserve to be included in mother's day. Yes, I have a child, but mother's day always seemed to be about giving a busy mom a well deserved day off. She is always busy taking care of her kids, so they are honouring the work that she does. However, I was reminded that I had gone through the hardest thing that any mother would ever have to go through. I had to say goodbye to my baby, I lost my child. I would give anything to be over tired, and over worked looking after my child. I did deserve to be included on mother's day.
I just want to thank everyone who said "Happy Mother's Day" to me and who included me in mother's day. It was really special. This was my first ever mother's day as a mom. It's definitely not what I wanted, but I did get celebrate the fact that I do have a daughter and I am a mom.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Doctors Visit
So I had an appointment with the OB who delivered Kaitlyn. I just wanted to get some answers about our loss and my blood work. I was so nervous about going, mainly because I didn't know if I could handle being in a room full of pregnant women. The night before, during my prayers I asked the Lord for an empty waiting room.
Well, I road my bike to the appointment and I was a bit early, when I arrived there was only one woman in the waiting room and she was definitely not pregnant. It made the experience so much easier. The receptionist was very helpful. My meeting with the OB was great. Since the appointment was at noon, I thought I would be rushed out so he could eat lunch. But, he took the time to review the autopsy, and discuss the blood work. There was no mention of clotting in the autopsy report. Because I had tested positive for the lupus anti-DNA antibody, he was sending me to Dr. Laskin, a rheumatologist in Toronto. We discussed how he would be able to help and why I would wait to have further blood work done at his clinic. It will be determined if I will need to just take a baby aspirin throughout my pregnancies or if I will also have to give myself a daily injection of a blood thinner to decrease the risk of blood clots. I will have to stop taking the baby aspirin and any additional blood thinners at 32 weeks and then I will be induced at 38 weeks to decrease the risk of DVTs or pulmonary embolism. Yikes! I'm glad that this was found, but it kind of sucks because not only did we lose our baby, but my hopes for a natural childbirth are gone. Each birth that I have will not be what I had envisioned. It feels like just one more thing has been taken. But, at this point, I would do anything to have a healthy baby.
I also found out that not only did I have a velamentous cord insertion, but the cord had not implanted in the middle of the placenta, instead it implanted off to the side, so Kaitlyn wasn't getting all the nutrients she needed. The cord problems most likely will not happen again, the risk of cord problems in the future pregnancies does not increase.
I was mostly okay through the visit. At one point, I got a little choked up because as we were discussing everything that went wrong, it just felt like Kaitlyn didn't even really have a chance. The doctor was very understanding and stated that when we do get pregnant again, he will give us extra ultrasounds and keep a close eye on the baby. I just wish that it had worked out for Kaitlyn and that she had beaten the odds. I wish I was holding her right now instead of talking about future pregnancies. But, I'm ready for the future and I'm just hoping another baby is not that far away.
Well, I road my bike to the appointment and I was a bit early, when I arrived there was only one woman in the waiting room and she was definitely not pregnant. It made the experience so much easier. The receptionist was very helpful. My meeting with the OB was great. Since the appointment was at noon, I thought I would be rushed out so he could eat lunch. But, he took the time to review the autopsy, and discuss the blood work. There was no mention of clotting in the autopsy report. Because I had tested positive for the lupus anti-DNA antibody, he was sending me to Dr. Laskin, a rheumatologist in Toronto. We discussed how he would be able to help and why I would wait to have further blood work done at his clinic. It will be determined if I will need to just take a baby aspirin throughout my pregnancies or if I will also have to give myself a daily injection of a blood thinner to decrease the risk of blood clots. I will have to stop taking the baby aspirin and any additional blood thinners at 32 weeks and then I will be induced at 38 weeks to decrease the risk of DVTs or pulmonary embolism. Yikes! I'm glad that this was found, but it kind of sucks because not only did we lose our baby, but my hopes for a natural childbirth are gone. Each birth that I have will not be what I had envisioned. It feels like just one more thing has been taken. But, at this point, I would do anything to have a healthy baby.
I also found out that not only did I have a velamentous cord insertion, but the cord had not implanted in the middle of the placenta, instead it implanted off to the side, so Kaitlyn wasn't getting all the nutrients she needed. The cord problems most likely will not happen again, the risk of cord problems in the future pregnancies does not increase.
I was mostly okay through the visit. At one point, I got a little choked up because as we were discussing everything that went wrong, it just felt like Kaitlyn didn't even really have a chance. The doctor was very understanding and stated that when we do get pregnant again, he will give us extra ultrasounds and keep a close eye on the baby. I just wish that it had worked out for Kaitlyn and that she had beaten the odds. I wish I was holding her right now instead of talking about future pregnancies. But, I'm ready for the future and I'm just hoping another baby is not that far away.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Kaitlyn's Due Date
Today is May 5, 2009....the day we were supposed to meet Kaitlyn for the first time. But this day was just an ordinary day. Nothing exciting happened. I dropped Chris off at Seneca, had a shower, did the laundry, cleaned, sorted through my clothes so I could give some away to charity, wrote a letter to Kaitlyn, bought a vase and arranged some of Kaitlyn's dried flowers in it, picked up Chris, went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, spent some alone time with Chris thinking about Kaitlyn, watched tv, went through Kaitlyn's belongings and went to bed. There were no monumentous, events. The highlight of my day was receiving flowers from some people who thinking about us on this day. That was really special. I'm glad that I could do some things for Kaitlyn, like the letter, vase, prayer, and looking at her stuff. I wanted to do something special for her today.
I thought this day would be harder than it was. I felt like it should have been a holiday or there should have been something amazing or even a special feeling associated with the day, but there wasn't. The world kept going, people went on with their day. Believe or not, but the thing that really hit me today was that I was supposed to be getting lots of phone calls asking if Kaitlyn had been born yet. The day should have been filled with excitement and anticipation.
At 6:00 Chris and I stopped and said a prayer, thanking God for Kaitlyn and asking that her life would be used to bring glory to Him in some way. The Lord has been with Chris and I on this path, I have found so much comfort in Him. I felt the happiest today when I was listening to worship music in the car on the way to pick up Chris. The Holy Spirit just filled me with so much joy and I just wanted to worship the Lord because He gave us Kaitlyn. That was an amazing feeling...to be happy just to have had the blessing to be with her for 24 weeks.
There are so many things that Chris and I miss...so many firsts that we will never experience; we will never know what her eye or hair colour would be, or what her personality would be like (I bet she would be silly, stubborn, fun-loving, energetic, and creative), but I do have a daughter, I am a mom, I will just get to meet my daughter in Heaven instead of here on Earth.
I thought this day would be harder than it was. I felt like it should have been a holiday or there should have been something amazing or even a special feeling associated with the day, but there wasn't. The world kept going, people went on with their day. Believe or not, but the thing that really hit me today was that I was supposed to be getting lots of phone calls asking if Kaitlyn had been born yet. The day should have been filled with excitement and anticipation.
At 6:00 Chris and I stopped and said a prayer, thanking God for Kaitlyn and asking that her life would be used to bring glory to Him in some way. The Lord has been with Chris and I on this path, I have found so much comfort in Him. I felt the happiest today when I was listening to worship music in the car on the way to pick up Chris. The Holy Spirit just filled me with so much joy and I just wanted to worship the Lord because He gave us Kaitlyn. That was an amazing feeling...to be happy just to have had the blessing to be with her for 24 weeks.
There are so many things that Chris and I miss...so many firsts that we will never experience; we will never know what her eye or hair colour would be, or what her personality would be like (I bet she would be silly, stubborn, fun-loving, energetic, and creative), but I do have a daughter, I am a mom, I will just get to meet my daughter in Heaven instead of here on Earth.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is Kaitlyn's official due date. I know she could have been here a little earlier or later, but that is the day we were supposed to meet her. I have this unsettling feeling in my stomach, like I am nervous about something, but I know there's nothing going on tomorrow. I feel like I've been counting down to this day for so long. It was an excited countdown until January 15, and since then it's been a dreaded countdown. A small piece of me just wants tomorrow to be over, but another part of me doesn't want it to be over, because it's the last piece of my pregnancy.
We have asked family and friends to take a minute at 6:00pm tomorrow to remember Kaitlyn and say a small prayer. It's nice to know that we will all be thinking of her together. We are planning at looking at Kaitlyn's things. I just feel so unsettled, like I'm just not doing enough. It doesn't even come close to what was supposed to happen tomorrow, but at least it's something.
I really have no idea how I will be tomorrow. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.
We have asked family and friends to take a minute at 6:00pm tomorrow to remember Kaitlyn and say a small prayer. It's nice to know that we will all be thinking of her together. We are planning at looking at Kaitlyn's things. I just feel so unsettled, like I'm just not doing enough. It doesn't even come close to what was supposed to happen tomorrow, but at least it's something.
I really have no idea how I will be tomorrow. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Little things
I woke up Sunday morning, feeling pretty good and looking forward to going to church. Chris left early because he was doing a reading and wanted to make sure everything was set up. When I arrived, we were handed the bulletin and found Chris and sat down. I opened the bulletin and I was reading through it when I came to an announcement saying that there was going to be a baby dedication. I didn't think that it would really hit me, but it did. Everytime I thought about the upcoming baby dedication, I started to tear up because all I could picture was our pastor holding Kaitlyn and dedicating her to the Lord while we were in the hospital room. We were also given a baby dedication card. I tried not to think of the dedication they were doing in church, but the family with the baby was sitting across the aisle from us. I kept tearing up, I knew that I might lose it during the dedication and thankfully Chris had an order of service. So right before the dedication began, I snuck out to the bathroom. I was okay, I didn't really cry. When I heard the singing start, I came back in and I was okay through the rest of the service (which was a great service). You just never really know when a grief trigger may come up. I'm glad that I was able to get through that one. I just have to take it one at a time.
Last night, as we were lying in bed, Chris and I held the heart that holds Kaitlyn and we talked about her. A few tears were shed, but we were able to spend time with each other and Kaitlyn and the Lord, which always feel nice. We haven't looked at her stuff in a while, so it was nice. We were together, as a family. I also held Kaitlyn's blanket. I haven't been able to unfold the blanket since we came home from the hospital. I feel like if I leave it folded the way it was in the hospital, it keeps me closer to the time when I got to hold her in that blanket. But yesterday, when I was holding her blanket, I felt for the first time, that it would be okay to re-fold it. I didn't actually unfold the blanket, but I know I could.
Last night, as we were lying in bed, Chris and I held the heart that holds Kaitlyn and we talked about her. A few tears were shed, but we were able to spend time with each other and Kaitlyn and the Lord, which always feel nice. We haven't looked at her stuff in a while, so it was nice. We were together, as a family. I also held Kaitlyn's blanket. I haven't been able to unfold the blanket since we came home from the hospital. I feel like if I leave it folded the way it was in the hospital, it keeps me closer to the time when I got to hold her in that blanket. But yesterday, when I was holding her blanket, I felt for the first time, that it would be okay to re-fold it. I didn't actually unfold the blanket, but I know I could.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Beautiful Day
What a gorgeous day it is! The weather is so warm. Chris and I decided to go on a bike ride. We saw a lot of moms out with their babies. We had a lot of fun, and on the way home, we got a chance to talk about Kaitlyn some more. I love talking about her and the things we would have done with her. This week I was looking in a flyer and I saw baby floaters for the pool. I started thinking about how this summer I would have had Kaitlyn in the pool with me. I would have dipped her feet in the water. What an awesome experience that would have been. We were also thinking that if I was still pregnant, I could have gone into labour at anytime now. Wow! I really miss those experiences. I don't cry everytime we talk about what we would be missing, but I still feel sad. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the "what would have beens", I guess it's because her due date is quickly approaching.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Random thoughts
I thought I would post today because it's been a pretty good day today. I mostly post on days that I'm sad and really missing Kaitlyn because those are the days that I feel like writing. Nothing exciting happened today, but I did get to talk about Kaitlyn with Chris and Stephanie. I still miss her everyday, but today it didn't hurt so much. I did realize that I am exactly 2 weeks away from what would have been my due date. I also briefly went on facebook and I hid the updates from my pregnant friends...which helps a bit. I still find that I am protecting myself.
There was a couple in the room next to us in the hospital when I was being induced. They gave birth to a baby girl. My dad had worked with the husband and knew him quite well. They had been through multiple miscarriages and knew the pain of a second trimester loss. Well, they dropped by a couple days ago, and as soon as I found out they were coming it felt like someone knocked all the air out of me. I couldn't stop crying and I had to stay in my room with Chris until after they left. I'm so happy that they finally have a baby to hold, but I'm just not ready to be around a baby that I closely link to Kaitlyn. I want to hold my baby too!
As the due date approaches, we're still trying to figure out what to do on that day. It's tough because nothing I think of feels right. I should be experiencing a really momentous occasion, so everything else just doesn't feel like enough. My mom is looking for a garden stone for herself and I, which I think is great. I think we will spread the word that we will ask people to stop and say a little prayer or something at a certain time on Kaitlyn's due date. It's kind of a way that we can be together with people who live far away. We still have not decided what to do for Mother's Day yet, but we're taking it one important date at a time.
There was a couple in the room next to us in the hospital when I was being induced. They gave birth to a baby girl. My dad had worked with the husband and knew him quite well. They had been through multiple miscarriages and knew the pain of a second trimester loss. Well, they dropped by a couple days ago, and as soon as I found out they were coming it felt like someone knocked all the air out of me. I couldn't stop crying and I had to stay in my room with Chris until after they left. I'm so happy that they finally have a baby to hold, but I'm just not ready to be around a baby that I closely link to Kaitlyn. I want to hold my baby too!
As the due date approaches, we're still trying to figure out what to do on that day. It's tough because nothing I think of feels right. I should be experiencing a really momentous occasion, so everything else just doesn't feel like enough. My mom is looking for a garden stone for herself and I, which I think is great. I think we will spread the word that we will ask people to stop and say a little prayer or something at a certain time on Kaitlyn's due date. It's kind of a way that we can be together with people who live far away. We still have not decided what to do for Mother's Day yet, but we're taking it one important date at a time.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Missing my daugher
So I had a bit of a rough start yesterday. I've been feeling like I needed a good cry. Over the past few days, tears have just been trickling out at various occasions. I haven't really had the chance to just cry and miss my baby. I was making cupcakes in the kitchen for Trevor (my brother) and Stephanie's Jack and Jill, while my mom and I are talking about this positive antiphospholipid syndrome and future pregnancies and all of a sudden I just start to cry. I cried because I miss Kaitlyn and I should be super pregnant with her right now, I cried because I'm scared of future pregnancies, I cried because a doctor may say we shouldn't ttc for a while, I cried because our plans are so messed up, I cried because the future is scary (jobs), I just really needed to cry. My mom just let me cry, which I needed. We also looked at Kaitlyn's pictures, which helps.
As we're getting closer to Kaitlyn's due date, I just keep missing her more and more. I had a dream where I saw Chris holding Kaitlyn as a newborn baby. She was snuggled up against his chest...it was so beautiful. And my heart ached because he won't get to have that with Kaitlyn.
Later on that morning, I got my first baby related phone call. I guess I had signed up for information on an RESP for Kaitlyn while at I shopping at Thyme Maternity. The woman on the phone was quite nice. She mentioned that she had information on RESPs, but she realizes that I wasn't due until May. I had to cut in and tell her that we had lost our baby. She apologized and tried to give me an encouraging statment. I guess you could say that that was my new loss for that day. Kaitlyn won't have the chance to go to university. I wonder what she would have been when she grew up. Surprisingly, I didn't cry after that phone call, I guess I had gotten out all my tears for that day.
The Jack and Jill went okay. At times it was a bit tough because I should have been quite pregnant and instead of talking about my pregnancy, there was very little talk of Kaitlyn. I did mention our loss to a couple of people but only in passing really. I'm just glad that I did get to sit behind the pop table. I still find large crowds a bit overwhelming, but I was able to just talk to people a few at a time, which was good.
Today, is a better day. I always feel much better after a good cry. It's a good release and cleansing. Plus, the sun is shining. I think I'll take a walk to the library.
As we're getting closer to Kaitlyn's due date, I just keep missing her more and more. I had a dream where I saw Chris holding Kaitlyn as a newborn baby. She was snuggled up against his chest...it was so beautiful. And my heart ached because he won't get to have that with Kaitlyn.
Later on that morning, I got my first baby related phone call. I guess I had signed up for information on an RESP for Kaitlyn while at I shopping at Thyme Maternity. The woman on the phone was quite nice. She mentioned that she had information on RESPs, but she realizes that I wasn't due until May. I had to cut in and tell her that we had lost our baby. She apologized and tried to give me an encouraging statment. I guess you could say that that was my new loss for that day. Kaitlyn won't have the chance to go to university. I wonder what she would have been when she grew up. Surprisingly, I didn't cry after that phone call, I guess I had gotten out all my tears for that day.
The Jack and Jill went okay. At times it was a bit tough because I should have been quite pregnant and instead of talking about my pregnancy, there was very little talk of Kaitlyn. I did mention our loss to a couple of people but only in passing really. I'm just glad that I did get to sit behind the pop table. I still find large crowds a bit overwhelming, but I was able to just talk to people a few at a time, which was good.
Today, is a better day. I always feel much better after a good cry. It's a good release and cleansing. Plus, the sun is shining. I think I'll take a walk to the library.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Easter
Well, yesterday was Easter Sunday. I honestly didn't know how I was going to be on that day. I started off pretty good, but at church I kind of fell apart. It started with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness....I just really wanted to be holding my giant belly or my baby. The sermon was great. It was titled "It's Not Over", but it began with talking about miracles...Elijah bring a young boy back from the dead, a woman facing certain death becoming healthy, etc. And all I could think about was "why Kaitlyn?" Why wasn't there a miracle for her? Did we not pray hard enough, or believe hard enough? I have thought about these questions before, and sometimes they just pop into my head. Then during the service they had people from the congregation go up on stage. They each held a piece of cardboard that described something difficult they had gone through and what they had learned/where they are now. It was encouraging and I was trying to think about what I have gotten through this journey, but I just broke down into tears. Chris was standing beside me and he was also teary eyed. Then we said a prayer and in this prayer there were "mini-prayers" for different situations, one of those situations was dealing with grief. I prayed that prayer and after the prayer, the pastor called people to the altar to publicly declare the prayer they did. So Chris and I went to the front. The whole time I was fighting back tears. We then sang an upbeat song, which helped. The pastor came over to pray with us at the end of the service. It was such a wonderful prayer. In it, he reminded me that Kaitlyn was getting to celebrate Easter with Jesus! What an awesome picture, to see her at the feet of Jesus, celebrating. The tears came back.
We went to a family party. Which was good. We did an easter egg hunt; I found it fun, yet difficult all at the same time. We left soon after lunch, because my energy was waning, but people understood, I think. Overall, the day was good, but I just really, really missed Kaitlyn that day. Chris and I did get a chance to talk about Kaitlyn which is always comforting, even if there are tears. She's my daughter, and like any mother, I just love to talk about her. Now I just have to be ready for her due date, which was May 5th, and mother's day.
We went to a family party. Which was good. We did an easter egg hunt; I found it fun, yet difficult all at the same time. We left soon after lunch, because my energy was waning, but people understood, I think. Overall, the day was good, but I just really, really missed Kaitlyn that day. Chris and I did get a chance to talk about Kaitlyn which is always comforting, even if there are tears. She's my daughter, and like any mother, I just love to talk about her. Now I just have to be ready for her due date, which was May 5th, and mother's day.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
What helps grief
I've been thinking of all the different things that have helped me during my grief. One thing that has helped is validation from others. It helps to know that what I'm feeling is okay. I've gotten a lot of that from Chris. But something that helps my mood is a worship cd that was given to us by Jen, the worship/children's pastor from our church. That has been exactly what I have needed and has helped me climb out of times when I'm am feeling really down. It lets me focus on God, rather than on myself. It reminds me that He is bigger than all of this. There has been one song in particular that has been helpful. It's called "He is Exalted" and it was originally written by Twila Paris. I thought I would include the lyrics as well. I find this to be such a powerful song. One of the things that has continued to bother me is the loss of control that I experienced when I lost Kaitlyn. There is really nothing I could have done. This song reminds me to let go of the control that I seem to want to have over my life, it's such a relief to relinquish that kind of stress and let God be in control.
He is exalted the King is exalted on High
I will praise You
He is exalted forever exalted
And I will praise His name
He is exalted the King is exalted on High
I will praise Him
He is exalted forever exalted
And I will praise His name
He is the Lord
Forever His truth shall reign
Heaven and Earth
Rejoice in His holy name
He is exalted the King is exalted on high
He is exalted the King is exalted on High
I will praise You
He is exalted forever exalted
And I will praise His name
He is exalted the King is exalted on High
I will praise Him
He is exalted forever exalted
And I will praise His name
He is the Lord
Forever His truth shall reign
Heaven and Earth
Rejoice in His holy name
He is exalted the King is exalted on high
Thursday, April 2, 2009
3 steps forward, 2 steps back
So my husband and I went to the Dominican Republic for a vacation at the end of February, beginning of March. It was great to be able to get away, just the two of us, to relax and lie in the sun. It was a bittersweet vacation. I should have been too pregnant to be able to go on vacation, but we did have a great time. We were able to laugh, cry, talk about Kaitlyn and just enjoy our time together as a family.
Anyways, when we returned, I emotionally went downhill. I think coming back to the reality was really hard to take. After a couple of weeks, I started to get better. While I still thought about Kaitlyn all the time, I was happy and able to enjoy more of life. That lasted for a few weeks, when all of a sudden, I'm on the verge of tears most of the time and the smallest thing will set me off. Now that we're in April, I should be in the home stretch. I should be nervous; I should have my hospital bag packed; I should have all our baby stuff ready; I should have all my prenatal classes finished; I should have a huge belly; I should be feeling Kaitlyn move everyday. But instead, I look down and I can see my toes. May isn't full of excitement, it's full of sadness. My due date, mother's day, events where I should have Kaitlyn with me are all reminders of what we've lost.
I know that grief is not linear. It's so true, in your grief journey it sometimes feels like you're taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I'm thankful for a wonderful, supporting husband. He allows me to feel what I feel, without judgement. He is a safe place for me to go to when I need it.
We just went to our 6th Griefshare session at church. The topic was "Why". What was great, was being reminded that God doesn't mind it if we ask Him "why did this happen". My "why" questions have been: "Why didn't You step in and stop this. You could have saved Kaitlyn so easily." and "Why us. There are so many people who get pregnant and don't want to be pregnant, or they don't care and put their baby at risk by smoking, drinking, etc. while pregnant. We really wanted and loved Kaitlyn, so why did we lose her?" As wonderful as my husband is, I am so thankful to have a loving God who is everything. He is whatever I need, when I need it. Right now, He is my father, my counsellor, my comforter, my Prince of Peace, my friend, my Lord. I love that I can be honest with Him. That I can ask Him any question, that I can be angry with Him. I love that I can't hide from Him. He may not answer my questions, but would I really want to worship a God who I could understand? My mind is so small, if I could understand Him, than He really wouldn't be worth much. I can totally trust Him because He is trustworthy and faithful.He lets me cry, scream, sleep, laugh, rest, and do whatever else I need to do. But He is with me through it all.
Another thing that I find comforting is something that my Pastor told us. God didn't take Kaitlyn from us. He doesn't want to see us in pain. We live in a sinful, imperfect world and death is a part of this world. God did know that this would happen to us and He has been preparing Chris and I and our families for this time. He surrounded us with love and support to help us through this. And I know that He will somehow use this situation for His good. And the exciting thing is that one day, we will see death die. There will be no more death!!! Jesus has already conquered death and through Jesus, there is life waiting for me beyond death. Although Kaitlyn is gone, she is living with Jesus. Soon after we lost Kaitlyn, God reminded me that the same arms that hold Kaitlyn are also the the arms that are holding us.
This post is all over the place. I didn't meant to ramble on as I did, but these thoughts just popped into my head. Boy, this post took quite a turn. Here's proof that grief is a unique journey. I've just had one more step forward.
Anyways, when we returned, I emotionally went downhill. I think coming back to the reality was really hard to take. After a couple of weeks, I started to get better. While I still thought about Kaitlyn all the time, I was happy and able to enjoy more of life. That lasted for a few weeks, when all of a sudden, I'm on the verge of tears most of the time and the smallest thing will set me off. Now that we're in April, I should be in the home stretch. I should be nervous; I should have my hospital bag packed; I should have all our baby stuff ready; I should have all my prenatal classes finished; I should have a huge belly; I should be feeling Kaitlyn move everyday. But instead, I look down and I can see my toes. May isn't full of excitement, it's full of sadness. My due date, mother's day, events where I should have Kaitlyn with me are all reminders of what we've lost.
I know that grief is not linear. It's so true, in your grief journey it sometimes feels like you're taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I'm thankful for a wonderful, supporting husband. He allows me to feel what I feel, without judgement. He is a safe place for me to go to when I need it.
We just went to our 6th Griefshare session at church. The topic was "Why". What was great, was being reminded that God doesn't mind it if we ask Him "why did this happen". My "why" questions have been: "Why didn't You step in and stop this. You could have saved Kaitlyn so easily." and "Why us. There are so many people who get pregnant and don't want to be pregnant, or they don't care and put their baby at risk by smoking, drinking, etc. while pregnant. We really wanted and loved Kaitlyn, so why did we lose her?" As wonderful as my husband is, I am so thankful to have a loving God who is everything. He is whatever I need, when I need it. Right now, He is my father, my counsellor, my comforter, my Prince of Peace, my friend, my Lord. I love that I can be honest with Him. That I can ask Him any question, that I can be angry with Him. I love that I can't hide from Him. He may not answer my questions, but would I really want to worship a God who I could understand? My mind is so small, if I could understand Him, than He really wouldn't be worth much. I can totally trust Him because He is trustworthy and faithful.He lets me cry, scream, sleep, laugh, rest, and do whatever else I need to do. But He is with me through it all.
Another thing that I find comforting is something that my Pastor told us. God didn't take Kaitlyn from us. He doesn't want to see us in pain. We live in a sinful, imperfect world and death is a part of this world. God did know that this would happen to us and He has been preparing Chris and I and our families for this time. He surrounded us with love and support to help us through this. And I know that He will somehow use this situation for His good. And the exciting thing is that one day, we will see death die. There will be no more death!!! Jesus has already conquered death and through Jesus, there is life waiting for me beyond death. Although Kaitlyn is gone, she is living with Jesus. Soon after we lost Kaitlyn, God reminded me that the same arms that hold Kaitlyn are also the the arms that are holding us.
This post is all over the place. I didn't meant to ramble on as I did, but these thoughts just popped into my head. Boy, this post took quite a turn. Here's proof that grief is a unique journey. I've just had one more step forward.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
In the days, weeks, and even months since we lost Kaitlyn I have been searching the internet for different support groups, information, etc. I came across a program/service called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. It is a foundation of volunteers who are professional photographers that give their time, skills and equipment to photograph families with their baby who was stillborn or passed away shortly after birth. The photos are then professionally retouched and presented to the family on CD or DVD. A family member or medical professional just has to contact the area coordinator as soon as possible before the birth to allow time to find a volunteer. There are volunteers all over the world. What a beautiful way for families to remember their cherished babies. I wish I had known about this service. I would have loved to have beautiful, professional pictures of Kaitlyn. I encourage everyone to check out the website which gives background info, testimonials, finds local volunteers, and even has a forum for grieving parents and family members. If anyone knows of a family who is going through a similar loss, this would be a great piece of information to pass on and even to share with local medical professionals. The website is www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org
Monday, March 16, 2009
Spring
I feeling kinda down today so this post isn't going to be too positive. But at least it lets me get out my thoughts and feelings. Well, spring is just around the corner. The sun is shining and the birds are chirping and believe it or not, but I want winter back. I know, I'm the only person in Canada to want winter, but spring is just too hard. There was so much that should be happening in spring. I should be getting ready for Kaitlyn, I should get to hold my baby and bring her home in May. Instead, I'm just in limbo. At this point, when any event or date is brought up, I automatically start thinking about where I should be in my pregnancy or how old Kaitlyn would be and what she would be doing. I'm still having a very hard time dealing with anything in May. Even the mention of a date in May brings me to tears. I'm dreading April and terrified of May. I just miss Kaitlyn so much!
And I just heard from the midwife. Apparently, my bloodwork came back positive for lupus anticoagulant. I'm glad to have found this out now, before future pregnancies, since they usually only test for this after multiple losses. This puts me at an increased risk of miscarriages and pregnancy losses. YIKES! I am being referred to an RE to follow-up. So now I have to wait to hear back from the RE. I'm definately learning patience through this process.
And I just heard from the midwife. Apparently, my bloodwork came back positive for lupus anticoagulant. I'm glad to have found this out now, before future pregnancies, since they usually only test for this after multiple losses. This puts me at an increased risk of miscarriages and pregnancy losses. YIKES! I am being referred to an RE to follow-up. So now I have to wait to hear back from the RE. I'm definately learning patience through this process.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Kaitlyn's Story
I'm going to be honest. I've been a little nervous thinking about writing my first post because I knew I wanted to tell Kaitlyn's story. I love talking about her, but sometimes it's hard to re-live all the emotions that I experienced through this journey. I should warn you, this is going to be long and even leaving out lots of details. Well, here is the life story of my daughter, Kaitlyn Rose.
In August 2008, my husband and I decided that it was time to try to have a family. The timing seemed to work for us. On our vacation to Horseshoe Valley Resort at the beginning of September, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I had taken one 3 days earlier, but it was negative. I remember that September morning. I had woken up earlier and thought "why not", so I took the pregnancy test and faint "+" sign came up. I read the box about 3 times confirming that it meant that I was pregnant. I was shaking with nervousness and excitement. About 10 minutes later and woke Chris up and asked him how he was feeling. He said he had a bit of a headache or stomachache and I then said, "Well, you're going to be a daddy!!" I know, it didn't make sense, but I wasn't thinking straight at that point. Chris didn't believe me and he asked to see the test. We were so excited and nervous and in shock!
When we got home from our getaway. I booked an appt. with my doctor to confirm the pregnancy a day later. The morning of my doctor's appointment my mom and I were sitting in the living room and I just blurted out "I took a pregnancy test and it was positive and I'm going to the doctor to confirm it." I totally took her off guard. Then she got excited. Well, the doctor confirmed my pregnancy and I called the midwife to schedule and appointment with her.
My mom wanted to tell everyone about our pregnancy, but we wanted to wait until my dad's birthday (Sept. 28) to surprise him. Well, the nausea hit me before I could tell my dad and everyone kept asking me if I was okay. But I couldn't tell them yet. Chris and I were supposed to go to his sister's house to visit with his family, but I was feeling too sick. So we called them up and said that we couldn't make it down for the weekend because "We're pregnant!" Erin (Chris' sister) started screaming and his mom was in shock. It was great! So we just had to tell my dad. We bought 2 bibs that said " I love Grandpa" and "I love Grandma". We wrapped them up and gave them to my dad. When he opened his gift, it took him a minute to realize what it meant and then he was in shock. Trevor and Stephanie (my bro and his fiancee) were also there so it hit them like a ton of bricks as well. But they were able to get some good pics of my dad. Well, now everyone knew so we gave my mom permission to spread the word.
I had my first real midwife appointment when I was as 12 weeks. I got to hear Kaitlyn's heartbeat, which was strong. And we discussed what to expect during pregnancy. What an amazing experience!! Soon the nausea slowly went away and I was beginning to show a little bit. At my next appointment, we heard Kaitlyn's heartbeat again and my pregnancy continued to progress. I also got the requisition for an ultrasound. We had our ultrasound on Dec. 8. Chris came with us and we got to see Kaitlyn. Before the ultrasound, we all thought that Kaitlyn was a boy, but the ultrasound tech said it was a girl! How exciting!! Apparently, Kaitlyn moved around a lot during the ultrasound, but we did get to see her heart beating and her spine and her fingers and toes. She was so cute. She had the cutest button nose. We got some pics to take home with us. At my next midwife appt. we again heard Kaitlyn's heartbeat and we reviewed the ultrasound which stated that there were no abnormalities. I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl inside me!!
Now that we knew it was a girl, Chris and I really started discussing names. We had tossed around a few ideas, including Sophie and Hannah. I had always wanted my first daughter's middle name to be Rose, after my nana. One day, Chris just blurted out, "What about the name Kaitlyn?" It was the perfect name. We both knew that this was her name.
On November 24th, Chris and I were lying on the couch, watching television, when I felt Kaitlyn's first kick. It was pretty strong, but when Chris put his hand to my belly, of course there were no more kicks. I felt a few flutters once in a while, but not often. I had an anterior placenta, which makes it difficult to feel kicks.
On Jan. 15, 2009, I went to my midwife appt. and Chris came with me. Everything was okay, I was measuring to 24 weeks. But when it came time to listen to Kaitlyn's heartbeat, we couldn't find it. It was thought that the anterior placenta could be in the way, which is why we couldn't hear the heartbeat, but I had an ultrasound scheduled for later that day. I was so glad Chris decided to come with me. On the way home, I was crying. We got a call from my midwife, Kara, stating that she would like me to go to the hospital right away so we wouldn't have to wait too long for the ultrasound. Chris and I headed over and we met Kara there. They got me into a room and put on the fetal heart rate monitor, but we couldn't hear Kaitlyn's heartbeat. We had an ultrasound scheduled for 1:00pm, but Kara managed to get the OB to come in and do an ultrasound with the portable machine. My mom, dad, and pastor Garry also showed up in my room. Well, the OB did the ultrasound and we saw Kaitlyn on the screen. We saw her heart and it wasn't beating. I had seen her beating heart on the previous ultrasound, so I knew she had passed. And then the OB said "There's the baby and her heartsac and unfortunately, it's not beating." We all burst into tears. Chris held me and Garry said a prayer. That was the hardest statement to ever hear. I went down for my other ultrasound and it confirmed that Kaitlyn had passed away a couple weeks ago. We spoke with the OB and decided to have my labour induced the following day. So we went home, cried, and just were together. We had to tell Trevor and Stephanie and we also called Chris' parents. It was so hard. We watched a movie that night, but I couldn't concentrate on it. I had to pack up clothes to take to the hospital and all I could think was that it was too early to pack for the hospital. I shouldn't be going to give birth yet.
We went to the hospital the next morning and I was given a drug to induce labour. It began to work after the 2nd dose, however, I also developed a fever so I was given antibiotics which gave me diarrhea as a side effect. Soon after, the medication stopped working. I continued to be given my dose every 4 hours, but there were no contractions. Finally, the following day, the OB was discussing further options, one included surgery (a hysterotomy) which would put me at an increased risk for uterine rupture with each future pregnancy. Chris called his mom to keep her updated. She and her church had been praying for us. Chris asked her what they had been praying for and she said "Peace". Chris said. "well, it's worked, she's had so much peace, her contractions stopped! Now we have to pray for contractions!" They upped the dosage of medication and after 2 doses they were able to break my water and put me on an oxytocin drip to continue inducing the contraction. And boy, were they strong! I was able to have morphine to help with pain, but it got to be so much, I asked for an epidural (although I had really wanted to avoid it). The nurse went out and came back in with the OB, well, I didn't get that epidural (Thank you LORD!) because it was time to push. My mom and Chris were in the room with me and after a few pushes Kaitlyn Rose was born still at 11:43pm on January 17, 2009. She was so tiny. They wrapped her up in the blanket that Chris' mom had made for us. My dad, Trevor, Stephanie, and pastor Garry all came in. We all got to hold her and say goodbye. She was so small, but she was perfectly formed. Pastor Garry dedicated her to the Lord and we all gathered around Kaitlyn. Well, the nurse took her away to be weighed and everyone left. Kaitlyn was brought back to us wrapped in her blanket with a little pink knitted hat on. She was so cute and beautiful. Chris and I held Kaitlyn some more. Chris was wonderful with her. He is such a natural father. After we said our last goodbye, the nurse came and took Kaitlyn away. Chris and I were able to get some sleep that night.
Before we left the next morning, the nurse brought us a baby package. It included some pictures they had taken of Kaitlyn (we had also taken pics of Kaitlyn while we were holding her), her hat, a tiny diaper, a tiny hospital gown, a beautiful heart ornament that was hung on my door to indicate to the staff that there had been a loss, a special memories card with Kaitlyn's information, and her crib card. Kaitlyn only weighed 255 grams. We also got the blanket back. Every single person in the hospital was wonderful. They were so supportive and caring.
As we got ready to leave, I had to put on my maternity sweater and pants, knowing that I was no longer pregnant. I hated walking out of there without my baby. We still look at Kaitlyn's things when we want to be closer to her. It's funny, I still have a scar from the IV I had while I was in the hospital with Kaitlyn and I find comfort looking at it because it reminds me that I did give birth to a baby named Kaitlyn Rose.
In August 2008, my husband and I decided that it was time to try to have a family. The timing seemed to work for us. On our vacation to Horseshoe Valley Resort at the beginning of September, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I had taken one 3 days earlier, but it was negative. I remember that September morning. I had woken up earlier and thought "why not", so I took the pregnancy test and faint "+" sign came up. I read the box about 3 times confirming that it meant that I was pregnant. I was shaking with nervousness and excitement. About 10 minutes later and woke Chris up and asked him how he was feeling. He said he had a bit of a headache or stomachache and I then said, "Well, you're going to be a daddy!!" I know, it didn't make sense, but I wasn't thinking straight at that point. Chris didn't believe me and he asked to see the test. We were so excited and nervous and in shock!
When we got home from our getaway. I booked an appt. with my doctor to confirm the pregnancy a day later. The morning of my doctor's appointment my mom and I were sitting in the living room and I just blurted out "I took a pregnancy test and it was positive and I'm going to the doctor to confirm it." I totally took her off guard. Then she got excited. Well, the doctor confirmed my pregnancy and I called the midwife to schedule and appointment with her.
My mom wanted to tell everyone about our pregnancy, but we wanted to wait until my dad's birthday (Sept. 28) to surprise him. Well, the nausea hit me before I could tell my dad and everyone kept asking me if I was okay. But I couldn't tell them yet. Chris and I were supposed to go to his sister's house to visit with his family, but I was feeling too sick. So we called them up and said that we couldn't make it down for the weekend because "We're pregnant!" Erin (Chris' sister) started screaming and his mom was in shock. It was great! So we just had to tell my dad. We bought 2 bibs that said " I love Grandpa" and "I love Grandma". We wrapped them up and gave them to my dad. When he opened his gift, it took him a minute to realize what it meant and then he was in shock. Trevor and Stephanie (my bro and his fiancee) were also there so it hit them like a ton of bricks as well. But they were able to get some good pics of my dad. Well, now everyone knew so we gave my mom permission to spread the word.
I had my first real midwife appointment when I was as 12 weeks. I got to hear Kaitlyn's heartbeat, which was strong. And we discussed what to expect during pregnancy. What an amazing experience!! Soon the nausea slowly went away and I was beginning to show a little bit. At my next appointment, we heard Kaitlyn's heartbeat again and my pregnancy continued to progress. I also got the requisition for an ultrasound. We had our ultrasound on Dec. 8. Chris came with us and we got to see Kaitlyn. Before the ultrasound, we all thought that Kaitlyn was a boy, but the ultrasound tech said it was a girl! How exciting!! Apparently, Kaitlyn moved around a lot during the ultrasound, but we did get to see her heart beating and her spine and her fingers and toes. She was so cute. She had the cutest button nose. We got some pics to take home with us. At my next midwife appt. we again heard Kaitlyn's heartbeat and we reviewed the ultrasound which stated that there were no abnormalities. I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl inside me!!
Now that we knew it was a girl, Chris and I really started discussing names. We had tossed around a few ideas, including Sophie and Hannah. I had always wanted my first daughter's middle name to be Rose, after my nana. One day, Chris just blurted out, "What about the name Kaitlyn?" It was the perfect name. We both knew that this was her name.
On November 24th, Chris and I were lying on the couch, watching television, when I felt Kaitlyn's first kick. It was pretty strong, but when Chris put his hand to my belly, of course there were no more kicks. I felt a few flutters once in a while, but not often. I had an anterior placenta, which makes it difficult to feel kicks.
On Jan. 15, 2009, I went to my midwife appt. and Chris came with me. Everything was okay, I was measuring to 24 weeks. But when it came time to listen to Kaitlyn's heartbeat, we couldn't find it. It was thought that the anterior placenta could be in the way, which is why we couldn't hear the heartbeat, but I had an ultrasound scheduled for later that day. I was so glad Chris decided to come with me. On the way home, I was crying. We got a call from my midwife, Kara, stating that she would like me to go to the hospital right away so we wouldn't have to wait too long for the ultrasound. Chris and I headed over and we met Kara there. They got me into a room and put on the fetal heart rate monitor, but we couldn't hear Kaitlyn's heartbeat. We had an ultrasound scheduled for 1:00pm, but Kara managed to get the OB to come in and do an ultrasound with the portable machine. My mom, dad, and pastor Garry also showed up in my room. Well, the OB did the ultrasound and we saw Kaitlyn on the screen. We saw her heart and it wasn't beating. I had seen her beating heart on the previous ultrasound, so I knew she had passed. And then the OB said "There's the baby and her heartsac and unfortunately, it's not beating." We all burst into tears. Chris held me and Garry said a prayer. That was the hardest statement to ever hear. I went down for my other ultrasound and it confirmed that Kaitlyn had passed away a couple weeks ago. We spoke with the OB and decided to have my labour induced the following day. So we went home, cried, and just were together. We had to tell Trevor and Stephanie and we also called Chris' parents. It was so hard. We watched a movie that night, but I couldn't concentrate on it. I had to pack up clothes to take to the hospital and all I could think was that it was too early to pack for the hospital. I shouldn't be going to give birth yet.
We went to the hospital the next morning and I was given a drug to induce labour. It began to work after the 2nd dose, however, I also developed a fever so I was given antibiotics which gave me diarrhea as a side effect. Soon after, the medication stopped working. I continued to be given my dose every 4 hours, but there were no contractions. Finally, the following day, the OB was discussing further options, one included surgery (a hysterotomy) which would put me at an increased risk for uterine rupture with each future pregnancy. Chris called his mom to keep her updated. She and her church had been praying for us. Chris asked her what they had been praying for and she said "Peace". Chris said. "well, it's worked, she's had so much peace, her contractions stopped! Now we have to pray for contractions!" They upped the dosage of medication and after 2 doses they were able to break my water and put me on an oxytocin drip to continue inducing the contraction. And boy, were they strong! I was able to have morphine to help with pain, but it got to be so much, I asked for an epidural (although I had really wanted to avoid it). The nurse went out and came back in with the OB, well, I didn't get that epidural (Thank you LORD!) because it was time to push. My mom and Chris were in the room with me and after a few pushes Kaitlyn Rose was born still at 11:43pm on January 17, 2009. She was so tiny. They wrapped her up in the blanket that Chris' mom had made for us. My dad, Trevor, Stephanie, and pastor Garry all came in. We all got to hold her and say goodbye. She was so small, but she was perfectly formed. Pastor Garry dedicated her to the Lord and we all gathered around Kaitlyn. Well, the nurse took her away to be weighed and everyone left. Kaitlyn was brought back to us wrapped in her blanket with a little pink knitted hat on. She was so cute and beautiful. Chris and I held Kaitlyn some more. Chris was wonderful with her. He is such a natural father. After we said our last goodbye, the nurse came and took Kaitlyn away. Chris and I were able to get some sleep that night.
Before we left the next morning, the nurse brought us a baby package. It included some pictures they had taken of Kaitlyn (we had also taken pics of Kaitlyn while we were holding her), her hat, a tiny diaper, a tiny hospital gown, a beautiful heart ornament that was hung on my door to indicate to the staff that there had been a loss, a special memories card with Kaitlyn's information, and her crib card. Kaitlyn only weighed 255 grams. We also got the blanket back. Every single person in the hospital was wonderful. They were so supportive and caring.
As we got ready to leave, I had to put on my maternity sweater and pants, knowing that I was no longer pregnant. I hated walking out of there without my baby. We still look at Kaitlyn's things when we want to be closer to her. It's funny, I still have a scar from the IV I had while I was in the hospital with Kaitlyn and I find comfort looking at it because it reminds me that I did give birth to a baby named Kaitlyn Rose.
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