It's my birthday today. I'm turning 29. I usually get pretty excited about my birthday. I like celebrating it and I never minded getting older. But this birthday is different. It was supposed to be a birthday that I got to celebrate with my daughter. I was going to celebrate all the wonderful things that happened during my 28th year, but instead, my birthday is not all that different from last years. To people looking in, my life is pretty much the same, they don't see a baby or mother, but I am a different person. I am a mom, without a baby to hold.
I still want to celebrate my birthday with the people I love. But this birthday is hard because it's not how I had pictured my life to be when I was 29. I was expecting to have someone offer to babysit Kaitlyn for a while so that maybe I could get a spa treatment or something, just to give me some time to myself. But instead, I have too much time to myself. I don't have a baby to care for so I don't need a spa treatment to re-energize. How selfish of me, I just want to spend every single moment with my daughter, how could I even consider wanting to be away from her.
Chris and I just really miss Kaitlyn. We're going to spend time looking at Kaitlyn's stuff today. We are often talking about how old Kaitlyn would be if she was born on her due date and what kinds of things she would be doing. I think he would have gotten me a birthday card and signed Kaitlyn's name on it or maybe put her handprint on it. It's just not fair!! My life was supposed to be so different today.
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December 8, 2008
By John Bell
My husband and I lost our beautiful daughter, Kaitlyn Rose at 24 weeks gestation. She was stillborn on January 17, 2009 at 11:43pm. I would like to share my journey with others, in the hope that it may help others understand, and comfort those who have experienced a similar loss.
Kaitlyn Rose
January 17, 2009
Born at 24 weeks gestation
255 grams
Kaitlyn's Story
Kaitlyn Rose
December 8, 2008
If roses grow in Heaven, Lord,
Please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my baby's arms
And tell her they're from me.
Tell her that I love her,
And when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek
And hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day
But there's a pain within my heart
That will never go away.
Kaitlyn's Songs
Cradling Song
We cannot care for you the way we wanted, or cradle you or listen to your cry;
but separated as we are by silence, our love will not die.
We cannot watch you growing into childhood, and find a new uniqueness every day;
but special as you would have been among us, forever you still will stay.
So through the mess of anger, grief and tiredness, through tensions which are not yet reconciled,
we give to God the worship of our sorrow and you, our dear child.
Lord, in your arms which cradle all creation we rest and place our baby beyond death
believing that she now, alive in heaven, breathes with your own breath.
By John Bell
The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.
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