Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Why Chris is a wonderful father
We celebrated Father's Day yesterday. It was good, although I felt that Chris didn't get the recognition he really deserves. He is a wonderful father. Even throughout my pregnancy, Chris would spend time talking and singing to my belly. He prayed for Kaitlyn almost every day. He eagerly participated in choosing out the things and he made some pretty good suggestions. We enjoyed talking about how we would raise our children and he loved listening to Focus on the Family to get some great ideas. He was eager to purchase parenting books and watch parenting shows so he could raise truly great kids. When we lost Kaitlyn Chris was always there for me and her. We cried together and he let me talk to him about my feelings. He was my safe place. He never told me that my emotions were wrong or that I was crying too much, he just there as a comfort. When I was in labour, Chris rubbed my back and stayed the night with me. He would get me anything I needed. When he held Kaitlyn, he was so natural with her. He held her and rocked her gently as he was talking to other people in the room, she belonged in his arms. He participated in all the arrangements for Kaitlyn and her memorial. He wanted to take the responsibility and provide for his daughter. Since we lost her Chris continues to spend time with Kaitlyn and I. He is often the one who suggests that we look through her things. He cradles her heart shaped box and cuddles with her blanket. He strokes her little hat and reads through the child dedication card and other mementos. He continues to discuss how we can include Kaitlyn in our family and he has lots of great ideas.
Chris is already excited about our future kids as well. We pray for our future children together and we continue to talk about how we want to raise our kids. He lets me go on and on about children's names and he even comes up with some good suggestion. After all, it was Chris who came up with the name Kaitlyn (although, he let me choose the spelling). He is excited about getting pregnant again and can't wait to bring more children into the world. I know he wants lots of kids. Chris is wonderful with his neices. He is patient and gives them lots of attention. He just adores them. He has so much love and I know he will just pour lots of love onto his own kids as well. There are so many reasons why Chris is already a great father so I want to wish him a Happy Father's Day, because he deserves it as much as any other father.
Chris is already excited about our future kids as well. We pray for our future children together and we continue to talk about how we want to raise our kids. He lets me go on and on about children's names and he even comes up with some good suggestion. After all, it was Chris who came up with the name Kaitlyn (although, he let me choose the spelling). He is excited about getting pregnant again and can't wait to bring more children into the world. I know he wants lots of kids. Chris is wonderful with his neices. He is patient and gives them lots of attention. He just adores them. He has so much love and I know he will just pour lots of love onto his own kids as well. There are so many reasons why Chris is already a great father so I want to wish him a Happy Father's Day, because he deserves it as much as any other father.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Appointment update and Father's Day
I finally heard back from the specialist, Dr. Laskin's office. I have an appointment scheduled for August 24th, however, I'm on their cancellation list so hopefully I may be able to get in sooner. That would be so awesome. I just want to get a definitive answer about this lupus anticoagulant marker. From what I understand, it is not unusual to get a false positive, in which case, I wouldn't need to be put on blood thinners during pregnancy. However, if I am positive, I would need blood thinners and I would need to be monitored more closely. Since I did lose Kaitlyn, I expect that my next pregnancy would be monitored closely, in fact, I will probably insist on it for my own peace of mind. At this point, all I want is a healthy baby, but an extra bonus would be to be negative for the anticoagulant marker and be able to have a natural pregnancy, as we had done with Kaitlyn.
Last night, I was lying in bed, thinking about my Kaitlyn, when I just got an overwhelming urge to hold her, and comfort her. I wanted to hear her cry so I could run to her and pick her up and rock her back to sleep. I've been feeling very nurturing lately. I want my baby to nurture, but instead, Chris is getting all that nurturing, luckily, he's enjoying it. With Father's day approaching, I've been thinking about something to do for Chris. I think this day will be a bit easier for me than mother's day, but I had really wanted to be able to make something with Kaitlyn's hand prints or something. Instead, his gift will be about memories, rather than marvelling at how much our baby had grown in the past month. But Chris deserves to be celebrated as well. We have both gone through one of the hardest experience any parent has ever had to go through and he has been such an amazing husband and father to Kaitlyn through it all, I want to show him how appreciated he is.
Last night, I was lying in bed, thinking about my Kaitlyn, when I just got an overwhelming urge to hold her, and comfort her. I wanted to hear her cry so I could run to her and pick her up and rock her back to sleep. I've been feeling very nurturing lately. I want my baby to nurture, but instead, Chris is getting all that nurturing, luckily, he's enjoying it. With Father's day approaching, I've been thinking about something to do for Chris. I think this day will be a bit easier for me than mother's day, but I had really wanted to be able to make something with Kaitlyn's hand prints or something. Instead, his gift will be about memories, rather than marvelling at how much our baby had grown in the past month. But Chris deserves to be celebrated as well. We have both gone through one of the hardest experience any parent has ever had to go through and he has been such an amazing husband and father to Kaitlyn through it all, I want to show him how appreciated he is.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Do you have any kids?
So I finally used a gift certificate I had for a manicure/pedicure that I got for Christmas. I had been saving it because I wanted to use it after Kaitlyn was born, but since we lost her, I hadn't been able to actually bring myself to use it. It was about to expire, so I made an appointment for a manicure and massage. It was actually nice to get something done for myself.
While I was getting my nails done the manicurist and I were talking. Of course, kids came up in conversation and she asked if I had any kids yet. It is a seemingly innocent question, but to someone who has lost a child, especially had a miscarriage or stillborn, it is an agonizing question. Do I answer honestly and say I have a child in Heaven, which quickly makes a nice conversation awkward, but it allows me to acknowledge my child. Or do you say, "not yet, but hopefully we will soon.", which allows the conversation to keep going, but makes you feel guilty afterwards. This has happened twice so far. While I was at a spa in Wawa, the pedicurist asked if I had any kids and I told her that we did have a daughter who was stillborn in my 6th month of pregnancy. Of course, she said the obligatory "I'm sorry", which I do appreciate hearing. So I went on to say that we are doing alright, we have lots of support, and we do hope to expand our family in the near future. The conversation did take a little stumble, but I was able to ask her a question to change topics, which helped. At the spa this week, when I was asked the same question, I didn't want pour out my heart to this manicurist, so I paused for a few moments, weighed my options, and I chose option #2 and said we don't have kids yet, but we hope to soon. The conversation kept moving easily from there, but I was racked with guilt. I just denied my daughter's existence. After answering the same, difficult question 2 different ways, I will often answer that question by saying that we have a child in heaven and we hope to expand our family soon. I will then go on to change the subject if I need to, or the person may have questions or may relate to my story. It will allow me to acknowledge my daughter, who will always be an important member of our family.
While I was getting my nails done the manicurist and I were talking. Of course, kids came up in conversation and she asked if I had any kids yet. It is a seemingly innocent question, but to someone who has lost a child, especially had a miscarriage or stillborn, it is an agonizing question. Do I answer honestly and say I have a child in Heaven, which quickly makes a nice conversation awkward, but it allows me to acknowledge my child. Or do you say, "not yet, but hopefully we will soon.", which allows the conversation to keep going, but makes you feel guilty afterwards. This has happened twice so far. While I was at a spa in Wawa, the pedicurist asked if I had any kids and I told her that we did have a daughter who was stillborn in my 6th month of pregnancy. Of course, she said the obligatory "I'm sorry", which I do appreciate hearing. So I went on to say that we are doing alright, we have lots of support, and we do hope to expand our family in the near future. The conversation did take a little stumble, but I was able to ask her a question to change topics, which helped. At the spa this week, when I was asked the same question, I didn't want pour out my heart to this manicurist, so I paused for a few moments, weighed my options, and I chose option #2 and said we don't have kids yet, but we hope to soon. The conversation kept moving easily from there, but I was racked with guilt. I just denied my daughter's existence. After answering the same, difficult question 2 different ways, I will often answer that question by saying that we have a child in heaven and we hope to expand our family soon. I will then go on to change the subject if I need to, or the person may have questions or may relate to my story. It will allow me to acknowledge my daughter, who will always be an important member of our family.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Weekend filled with fun and emotion
Well, this weekend I had 2 showers to go to. I had a lot of fun at both the showers! I think it helped that there were no pregnant women or babies around. All the talk was around wedding, which was wonderful. I have a difficult time in conversations about babies or pregnancies. When people talk about pregnancies, I sometimes want to contribute my pregnant experiences because I was far enough along to get to enjoy lots of symptoms. But I never know if other people want to hear about it. Because my pregnancy had such an unhappy ending, some people just don't want to be reminded of it. I, of course, love talking about it, because it's my baby. It's also hard to hear about other people's pregnancies, especially when they are complaining about it, because these women just don't seem to appreciate the the blessing that come along with the symptoms. Yes, I went through awful morning sickness (Chris can attest to that!), but I would gladly throw up every day for 9 months if it meant I got to have a healthy baby in the end. I miss being pregnant. I never got to fully enjoy it to the end. I never got to experience the joy of holding a squirmy baby. I am so happy that I got to hold Kaitlyn, but I didn't want to have to hand her back to the nurse, I wanted to bring her home with me. She belonged in my arms.
Yesterday, Chris and I went to church and a girl I had seen grow up was there with her husband, visiting her family. They got married maybe a year ago and she was already about 6.5 months pregnant. Well, I just lost it. I couldn't keep from crying. I wanted to be so happy for her, because it is supposed to be a joyous time during life, but it was just such a blatant reminder of what I lost. I had to have Chris take me home, where we cried together and looked over Kaitlyn's things again. Lately, whenever I see pregnant women or hear people talking about being pregnant (even in movies), the first thing that pops into my head is "Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you'll get to have a baby. I know from experience." (I just read that and it doesn't sound bitter in my head, there's more a tone of sadness) How awful is that!? As soon as it pops into my head I ask God to fill me with hope and joy for those pregnant women. But, I've only been pregnant once, so that's the only experience I have of pregnancy. Logically, it makes sense, but I can't let myself continue thinking like that.
More and more, I have been thinking about future pregnancies and when I think about being pregnant again, I just assume that my next baby will be alive and healthy. I think I will jump back and forth between anxiety and hope, but I pray that I will spend a majority of that pregnancy enjoying it and believing that I will be holding my healthy baby at the end of those 9 months. Now, if only I could get pregnant....
Yesterday, Chris and I went to church and a girl I had seen grow up was there with her husband, visiting her family. They got married maybe a year ago and she was already about 6.5 months pregnant. Well, I just lost it. I couldn't keep from crying. I wanted to be so happy for her, because it is supposed to be a joyous time during life, but it was just such a blatant reminder of what I lost. I had to have Chris take me home, where we cried together and looked over Kaitlyn's things again. Lately, whenever I see pregnant women or hear people talking about being pregnant (even in movies), the first thing that pops into my head is "Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you'll get to have a baby. I know from experience." (I just read that and it doesn't sound bitter in my head, there's more a tone of sadness) How awful is that!? As soon as it pops into my head I ask God to fill me with hope and joy for those pregnant women. But, I've only been pregnant once, so that's the only experience I have of pregnancy. Logically, it makes sense, but I can't let myself continue thinking like that.
More and more, I have been thinking about future pregnancies and when I think about being pregnant again, I just assume that my next baby will be alive and healthy. I think I will jump back and forth between anxiety and hope, but I pray that I will spend a majority of that pregnancy enjoying it and believing that I will be holding my healthy baby at the end of those 9 months. Now, if only I could get pregnant....
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