Well, this weekend I had 2 showers to go to. I had a lot of fun at both the showers! I think it helped that there were no pregnant women or babies around. All the talk was around wedding, which was wonderful. I have a difficult time in conversations about babies or pregnancies. When people talk about pregnancies, I sometimes want to contribute my pregnant experiences because I was far enough along to get to enjoy lots of symptoms. But I never know if other people want to hear about it. Because my pregnancy had such an unhappy ending, some people just don't want to be reminded of it. I, of course, love talking about it, because it's my baby. It's also hard to hear about other people's pregnancies, especially when they are complaining about it, because these women just don't seem to appreciate the the blessing that come along with the symptoms. Yes, I went through awful morning sickness (Chris can attest to that!), but I would gladly throw up every day for 9 months if it meant I got to have a healthy baby in the end. I miss being pregnant. I never got to fully enjoy it to the end. I never got to experience the joy of holding a squirmy baby. I am so happy that I got to hold Kaitlyn, but I didn't want to have to hand her back to the nurse, I wanted to bring her home with me. She belonged in my arms.
Yesterday, Chris and I went to church and a girl I had seen grow up was there with her husband, visiting her family. They got married maybe a year ago and she was already about 6.5 months pregnant. Well, I just lost it. I couldn't keep from crying. I wanted to be so happy for her, because it is supposed to be a joyous time during life, but it was just such a blatant reminder of what I lost. I had to have Chris take me home, where we cried together and looked over Kaitlyn's things again. Lately, whenever I see pregnant women or hear people talking about being pregnant (even in movies), the first thing that pops into my head is "Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you'll get to have a baby. I know from experience." (I just read that and it doesn't sound bitter in my head, there's more a tone of sadness) How awful is that!? As soon as it pops into my head I ask God to fill me with hope and joy for those pregnant women. But, I've only been pregnant once, so that's the only experience I have of pregnancy. Logically, it makes sense, but I can't let myself continue thinking like that.
More and more, I have been thinking about future pregnancies and when I think about being pregnant again, I just assume that my next baby will be alive and healthy. I think I will jump back and forth between anxiety and hope, but I pray that I will spend a majority of that pregnancy enjoying it and believing that I will be holding my healthy baby at the end of those 9 months. Now, if only I could get pregnant....
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