Tuesday, September 22, 2009
A Different Child
poem by Pandora MacMillian
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."
Monday, September 21, 2009
Mother of 2
It's been a while since I've posted something. Overall, I'm doing pretty well. A pregnancy following a loss is soooo different from the innocence and naivety a pregnancy without the experience of a loss. I'll be honest, when I first found out I was excited, but quite scared. What if something happened? I've had a couple of breakdowns where I just cried, because I didn't want to lose this baby too, and for Kaitlyn. Once in a while, I feel a little guilty because I'm celebrating a new life, that could only be here because we lost Kaitlyn. And I still wish I had Kaitlyn with me, but that would mean that I wouldn't have this new little one as well. But here I am, with one beautiful baby in Heaven and a new little life growing inside me, whom I'm looking forward to meeting. I'm a mother of 2 children.
Not too long ago, I had a bit of a wrestling session with God. I was thinking about being pregnant again and I have been trying to think positively and believe that I would get to bring this baby home. I wanted to trust that God would keep this one healthy. But how could I trust Him to do that? I mean, even though God didn't take Kaitlyn from us, He also didn't stop it. He didn't bring her back or keep her alive. How can I trust that he will keep this baby safe? There's no guarantee. If He didn't do it for Kaitlyn, why would He do it for this little one? I said out loud go Him, "I don't trust you, right now". I felt so guilty and so sorry. I repented over and over. He doesn't have to prove Himself to me, but it felt so good to be honest with God. He is faithful. I still find myself saying, "If we bring this baby home......", but no matter what, I have a perfect God on my side.
I went to see the OB for the first time at about 10 weeks and I was so nervous going. I was fearful that something might be wrong. I went into the office and we just talked about what to expect during this pregnancy and that once I see the specialist, we will know if I need further intervention. That right there made me nervous, what if we were too late to get the necessary interventions? Well, the OB was great about calming my fears, but understanding why I have them. He said that we could try to hear the heartbeat, but he was doubtful that we would hear it this early on the doppler. I remembered my first visit with the midwife when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I was 12 weeks and I remember it took a while to find the heartbeat, but we did. This time, I was lying on the table, just praying that I would hear a heartbeat, just for reassurance. And it only took maybe 15 seconds and I heard that beautiful sound...my baby's heart!!! God it good!!! The OB was even surprised that we heard anything. Even though God doesn't have to prove Himself, he gave me what I needed during that OB visit. I was reminded that He is with me through it all.
I then scheduled an ultrasound for the following Monday, which was only 4 days away. Even though I had heard the heartbeat, I was still quite nervous for the ultrasound. I'm so grateful that my mom came with me. I went into the ultrasound room and it brought back so many memories again. The last time I had an ultrasound was in the hospital to confirm we had lost Kaitlyn. This time, the tech was so quiet during the ultrasound. I kept trying to read her face, but it showed nothing. I kept thinking that something is wrong and she's trying to hide it from me. When she was done the measurements, she turned the screen around and I was almost ready to hear the words "I'm sorry", but there was a healthy baby moving around. I was so happy and at one point I got to see the heart beating and I just about burst into tears. My mom then came in to see and she was ecstatic to see the baby moving around. It was wonderful and we even got to keep pictures...for free!!
This time around, I'm much more knowledgeable and I wish I had been when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wish I could have advocated for her more. I remember during the 20 week ultrasound with Kaitlyn, we paid $20 for 3 pictures on a CD and the pictures weren't very good. You couldn't really see anything. Chris kept saying that I should go back and ask for better pictures, but I said, the pics weren't too bad and besides, we would have a lifetime to take lots and lots of picture of Kaitlyn. I didn't know that those would be the only pictures we would have of her alive. I wish I had gone back and asked for better pictures.
I spent some time recently looking at Kaitlyn's things. I still miss her so much, and I don't think that will go away, but I'm starting to get excited about our new baby. I'm having more difficulty connecting with this one, I think because I'm still nervous, but I love it when Chris talks to my belly and talks about our new baby, because I can share in his excitement.
This new little one is going to be so loved!! I'm looking forward to meeting him or her. Most people think that this one will be a boy, but they also thought the same thing of Kaitlyn, and she was a beautiful baby girl.
Chris and I continue to talk about Kaitlyn and how old she would be. I was in 2 weddings recently and through both of them, Chris and I talked about how he would be holding Kaitlyn while I was in one wedding and my parents would take care of her while we were both in my brother's wedding. I had a great time at the weddings, but at my brothers wedding I was watching the father daughter dance and I started crying because Chris would never get to experience that with Kaitlyn. And even during the mother son dance, the song talked about seeing her child grow and mature, and I was sad that I would never see Kaitlyn grow up. But, I liked that I cried during those times, it's like she was still a part of us during that day.
Chris and I are looking forward to one day telling this child about Kaitlyn.
Not too long ago, I had a bit of a wrestling session with God. I was thinking about being pregnant again and I have been trying to think positively and believe that I would get to bring this baby home. I wanted to trust that God would keep this one healthy. But how could I trust Him to do that? I mean, even though God didn't take Kaitlyn from us, He also didn't stop it. He didn't bring her back or keep her alive. How can I trust that he will keep this baby safe? There's no guarantee. If He didn't do it for Kaitlyn, why would He do it for this little one? I said out loud go Him, "I don't trust you, right now". I felt so guilty and so sorry. I repented over and over. He doesn't have to prove Himself to me, but it felt so good to be honest with God. He is faithful. I still find myself saying, "If we bring this baby home......", but no matter what, I have a perfect God on my side.
I went to see the OB for the first time at about 10 weeks and I was so nervous going. I was fearful that something might be wrong. I went into the office and we just talked about what to expect during this pregnancy and that once I see the specialist, we will know if I need further intervention. That right there made me nervous, what if we were too late to get the necessary interventions? Well, the OB was great about calming my fears, but understanding why I have them. He said that we could try to hear the heartbeat, but he was doubtful that we would hear it this early on the doppler. I remembered my first visit with the midwife when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I was 12 weeks and I remember it took a while to find the heartbeat, but we did. This time, I was lying on the table, just praying that I would hear a heartbeat, just for reassurance. And it only took maybe 15 seconds and I heard that beautiful sound...my baby's heart!!! God it good!!! The OB was even surprised that we heard anything. Even though God doesn't have to prove Himself, he gave me what I needed during that OB visit. I was reminded that He is with me through it all.
I then scheduled an ultrasound for the following Monday, which was only 4 days away. Even though I had heard the heartbeat, I was still quite nervous for the ultrasound. I'm so grateful that my mom came with me. I went into the ultrasound room and it brought back so many memories again. The last time I had an ultrasound was in the hospital to confirm we had lost Kaitlyn. This time, the tech was so quiet during the ultrasound. I kept trying to read her face, but it showed nothing. I kept thinking that something is wrong and she's trying to hide it from me. When she was done the measurements, she turned the screen around and I was almost ready to hear the words "I'm sorry", but there was a healthy baby moving around. I was so happy and at one point I got to see the heart beating and I just about burst into tears. My mom then came in to see and she was ecstatic to see the baby moving around. It was wonderful and we even got to keep pictures...for free!!
This time around, I'm much more knowledgeable and I wish I had been when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I wish I could have advocated for her more. I remember during the 20 week ultrasound with Kaitlyn, we paid $20 for 3 pictures on a CD and the pictures weren't very good. You couldn't really see anything. Chris kept saying that I should go back and ask for better pictures, but I said, the pics weren't too bad and besides, we would have a lifetime to take lots and lots of picture of Kaitlyn. I didn't know that those would be the only pictures we would have of her alive. I wish I had gone back and asked for better pictures.
I spent some time recently looking at Kaitlyn's things. I still miss her so much, and I don't think that will go away, but I'm starting to get excited about our new baby. I'm having more difficulty connecting with this one, I think because I'm still nervous, but I love it when Chris talks to my belly and talks about our new baby, because I can share in his excitement.
This new little one is going to be so loved!! I'm looking forward to meeting him or her. Most people think that this one will be a boy, but they also thought the same thing of Kaitlyn, and she was a beautiful baby girl.
Chris and I continue to talk about Kaitlyn and how old she would be. I was in 2 weddings recently and through both of them, Chris and I talked about how he would be holding Kaitlyn while I was in one wedding and my parents would take care of her while we were both in my brother's wedding. I had a great time at the weddings, but at my brothers wedding I was watching the father daughter dance and I started crying because Chris would never get to experience that with Kaitlyn. And even during the mother son dance, the song talked about seeing her child grow and mature, and I was sad that I would never see Kaitlyn grow up. But, I liked that I cried during those times, it's like she was still a part of us during that day.
Chris and I are looking forward to one day telling this child about Kaitlyn.
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