It's beautiful and sunny out and unfortunately, my mood doesn't reflect this gorgeous weather. Today, it not a good day for me. AF showed today, and that is always a downer. It only reminds me that I'm not pregnant, and I don't have a baby to hold. Every time she shows, I feel like I'm getting further and further away from every having kids. Plus, I'm emotional during this time, which doesn't help. Lately it seems that AF always corresponds with bridal showers, so I'm just a big emotional mess and it take a lot of effort just to hold it together and be happy for everyone around me. I had an okay cry today. My heart felt like it was aching. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears, but I can't let them out because I people think I shouldn't be crying like this anymore. But when do you ever stop crying over the loss of your child. Yes, each crying session may become further apart, but you will never stop crying for your child. When I look around at the family I will have someday, I will be happy to be blessed with them, but I will also ache a little because my family is missing one of it's members. Oh, how I miss Kaitlyn so much today! It's a beautiful day to take a baby for a walk, but I just don't feel like going out. I will go to the store, but only because I have to.
I just long to feel a life inside me, my arms ache to hold my baby. Chris did remind me that my hope and joy is not in having a baby, but is in the Lord. How true that is! But it still hurts, and I still get disappointed, and I still miss her so much.
I'm just hoping and praying that I will be able to hold it together this weekend.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Visiting the In-Laws!
It's been a while since I wrote something, so I thought today would be a good day to write. I've been doing pretty well, overall. Chris and I went to visit his parents in Wawa last week, which was wonderful. We had a good time there, and it was nice to be able to visit his parents, without too much interruption. I had a chance to talk about Kaitlyn a bit, which I love to do. There was only one small tearful afternoon. Chris had put in a home video of Christmas 2008 at his sister's house. It was one of the last events where I was still pregnant with Kaitlyn. I loved being pregnant and I cherish those memories, but it was hard re-living it over again. I was so happy then, and excited about our baby. Not too long after that day was the appointment where we couldn't find Kaitlyn's heartbeat. I just really wanted to be holding Kaitlyn and it just made me miss her even more. I didn't actually watch the video, I just caught a glimpse of it and that was enough to bring me to tears. But, I got through it and enjoyed the rest of my time there.
There was even a moment when we were looking at pictures. I thought we were looking at an album of our wedding pictures, but there were also pictures of my pregnant belly, when Kaitlyn was born, and her memorial. At first it caught me off guard, but I quickly enjoyed looking at those pictures. Yes, it was sad looking at the pictures, but I felt so happy seeing Kaitlyn's life added to an album showing our life together. She is such an important part of our life, and while some may have left our her pictures because it would be too difficult to look at, Chris' parents chose to include her in our life, where she belongs.
I've had moments of missing her lately. My arms just feel so empty. She should be here now. We should be experiencing major sleep deprivation and revelling in each new sound or motion she makes. We hope that she will get a new brother or sister soon, but until then, I kind of feel like I'm in limbo. I don't look at her things often, but I like wearing the garnet necklace we bought for her. Occasionally, I rub the necklace and kiss it. It lets me feel a bit closer to her.
On a side note, Chris got a job! And the job is here in Newmarket! Chris and I had so many plans, but those plans keep changing so quickly. More and more we've been putting our trust in God. After losing Kaitlyn, we felt like nothing really mattered. But He had been healing us and reminding us that we still have a life to live, which will include the memories of Kaitlyn. He has also been providing for us over and over again. Here we thought we would be moving to Waterloo, but God dropped a great job for Chris right in his lap. I guess we're to stay around Newmarket a bit longer. The Lord never ceases to amaze me!! I don't know why I always worry about things, God always provides and although He doesn't have to, He proves Himself to me over and over again. He is so faithful!
There was even a moment when we were looking at pictures. I thought we were looking at an album of our wedding pictures, but there were also pictures of my pregnant belly, when Kaitlyn was born, and her memorial. At first it caught me off guard, but I quickly enjoyed looking at those pictures. Yes, it was sad looking at the pictures, but I felt so happy seeing Kaitlyn's life added to an album showing our life together. She is such an important part of our life, and while some may have left our her pictures because it would be too difficult to look at, Chris' parents chose to include her in our life, where she belongs.
I've had moments of missing her lately. My arms just feel so empty. She should be here now. We should be experiencing major sleep deprivation and revelling in each new sound or motion she makes. We hope that she will get a new brother or sister soon, but until then, I kind of feel like I'm in limbo. I don't look at her things often, but I like wearing the garnet necklace we bought for her. Occasionally, I rub the necklace and kiss it. It lets me feel a bit closer to her.
On a side note, Chris got a job! And the job is here in Newmarket! Chris and I had so many plans, but those plans keep changing so quickly. More and more we've been putting our trust in God. After losing Kaitlyn, we felt like nothing really mattered. But He had been healing us and reminding us that we still have a life to live, which will include the memories of Kaitlyn. He has also been providing for us over and over again. Here we thought we would be moving to Waterloo, but God dropped a great job for Chris right in his lap. I guess we're to stay around Newmarket a bit longer. The Lord never ceases to amaze me!! I don't know why I always worry about things, God always provides and although He doesn't have to, He proves Himself to me over and over again. He is so faithful!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Mother's Day
Mother's Day weekend has come and gone. Believe it or not, but the shower I went to the day before was harder than mother's day. Mainly because there was a girl at the shower who was 22 weeks pregnant and it was my first time being at a gathering with someone who is pregnant. I tried my best not to look at her because every time I did, I would tear up, but it's like when you bite your cheek and you keep poking at the sore with your tongue, it hurts, but you just can't stop yourself. Anyways, later that night I had a really good cry. I was really missing where I should be with Kaitlyn. Chris and I took out Kaitlyn's things and looked over them. It felt nice to have a good cry. I got to be close to my husband and daughter together.
I think the cry emptied me out for Mother's Day. I went to church knowing that there was going to be a baby dedication and I had decided that I was going to try to sit through it. However, the family who's baby was being dedicated didn't show up, so I didn't have to go through it. The sermon was great and the pastor prayed for all moms, including women who had lost their children, women who wanted children but couldn't get pregnant, women who's children were wayward, for people who had lost their moms, and for women who are in a great season of their life with their family. I got a lump in my throat during the prayer, but it was great to be included. A few people at church did wish me a happy mother's day, which was wonderful to hear. I was so nice because it means that they were acknowledging my daughter as well.
I'm going to be honest, as mother's day approached, I felt like I didn't deserve to be included in mother's day. Yes, I have a child, but mother's day always seemed to be about giving a busy mom a well deserved day off. She is always busy taking care of her kids, so they are honouring the work that she does. However, I was reminded that I had gone through the hardest thing that any mother would ever have to go through. I had to say goodbye to my baby, I lost my child. I would give anything to be over tired, and over worked looking after my child. I did deserve to be included on mother's day.
I just want to thank everyone who said "Happy Mother's Day" to me and who included me in mother's day. It was really special. This was my first ever mother's day as a mom. It's definitely not what I wanted, but I did get celebrate the fact that I do have a daughter and I am a mom.
I think the cry emptied me out for Mother's Day. I went to church knowing that there was going to be a baby dedication and I had decided that I was going to try to sit through it. However, the family who's baby was being dedicated didn't show up, so I didn't have to go through it. The sermon was great and the pastor prayed for all moms, including women who had lost their children, women who wanted children but couldn't get pregnant, women who's children were wayward, for people who had lost their moms, and for women who are in a great season of their life with their family. I got a lump in my throat during the prayer, but it was great to be included. A few people at church did wish me a happy mother's day, which was wonderful to hear. I was so nice because it means that they were acknowledging my daughter as well.
I'm going to be honest, as mother's day approached, I felt like I didn't deserve to be included in mother's day. Yes, I have a child, but mother's day always seemed to be about giving a busy mom a well deserved day off. She is always busy taking care of her kids, so they are honouring the work that she does. However, I was reminded that I had gone through the hardest thing that any mother would ever have to go through. I had to say goodbye to my baby, I lost my child. I would give anything to be over tired, and over worked looking after my child. I did deserve to be included on mother's day.
I just want to thank everyone who said "Happy Mother's Day" to me and who included me in mother's day. It was really special. This was my first ever mother's day as a mom. It's definitely not what I wanted, but I did get celebrate the fact that I do have a daughter and I am a mom.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Doctors Visit
So I had an appointment with the OB who delivered Kaitlyn. I just wanted to get some answers about our loss and my blood work. I was so nervous about going, mainly because I didn't know if I could handle being in a room full of pregnant women. The night before, during my prayers I asked the Lord for an empty waiting room.
Well, I road my bike to the appointment and I was a bit early, when I arrived there was only one woman in the waiting room and she was definitely not pregnant. It made the experience so much easier. The receptionist was very helpful. My meeting with the OB was great. Since the appointment was at noon, I thought I would be rushed out so he could eat lunch. But, he took the time to review the autopsy, and discuss the blood work. There was no mention of clotting in the autopsy report. Because I had tested positive for the lupus anti-DNA antibody, he was sending me to Dr. Laskin, a rheumatologist in Toronto. We discussed how he would be able to help and why I would wait to have further blood work done at his clinic. It will be determined if I will need to just take a baby aspirin throughout my pregnancies or if I will also have to give myself a daily injection of a blood thinner to decrease the risk of blood clots. I will have to stop taking the baby aspirin and any additional blood thinners at 32 weeks and then I will be induced at 38 weeks to decrease the risk of DVTs or pulmonary embolism. Yikes! I'm glad that this was found, but it kind of sucks because not only did we lose our baby, but my hopes for a natural childbirth are gone. Each birth that I have will not be what I had envisioned. It feels like just one more thing has been taken. But, at this point, I would do anything to have a healthy baby.
I also found out that not only did I have a velamentous cord insertion, but the cord had not implanted in the middle of the placenta, instead it implanted off to the side, so Kaitlyn wasn't getting all the nutrients she needed. The cord problems most likely will not happen again, the risk of cord problems in the future pregnancies does not increase.
I was mostly okay through the visit. At one point, I got a little choked up because as we were discussing everything that went wrong, it just felt like Kaitlyn didn't even really have a chance. The doctor was very understanding and stated that when we do get pregnant again, he will give us extra ultrasounds and keep a close eye on the baby. I just wish that it had worked out for Kaitlyn and that she had beaten the odds. I wish I was holding her right now instead of talking about future pregnancies. But, I'm ready for the future and I'm just hoping another baby is not that far away.
Well, I road my bike to the appointment and I was a bit early, when I arrived there was only one woman in the waiting room and she was definitely not pregnant. It made the experience so much easier. The receptionist was very helpful. My meeting with the OB was great. Since the appointment was at noon, I thought I would be rushed out so he could eat lunch. But, he took the time to review the autopsy, and discuss the blood work. There was no mention of clotting in the autopsy report. Because I had tested positive for the lupus anti-DNA antibody, he was sending me to Dr. Laskin, a rheumatologist in Toronto. We discussed how he would be able to help and why I would wait to have further blood work done at his clinic. It will be determined if I will need to just take a baby aspirin throughout my pregnancies or if I will also have to give myself a daily injection of a blood thinner to decrease the risk of blood clots. I will have to stop taking the baby aspirin and any additional blood thinners at 32 weeks and then I will be induced at 38 weeks to decrease the risk of DVTs or pulmonary embolism. Yikes! I'm glad that this was found, but it kind of sucks because not only did we lose our baby, but my hopes for a natural childbirth are gone. Each birth that I have will not be what I had envisioned. It feels like just one more thing has been taken. But, at this point, I would do anything to have a healthy baby.
I also found out that not only did I have a velamentous cord insertion, but the cord had not implanted in the middle of the placenta, instead it implanted off to the side, so Kaitlyn wasn't getting all the nutrients she needed. The cord problems most likely will not happen again, the risk of cord problems in the future pregnancies does not increase.
I was mostly okay through the visit. At one point, I got a little choked up because as we were discussing everything that went wrong, it just felt like Kaitlyn didn't even really have a chance. The doctor was very understanding and stated that when we do get pregnant again, he will give us extra ultrasounds and keep a close eye on the baby. I just wish that it had worked out for Kaitlyn and that she had beaten the odds. I wish I was holding her right now instead of talking about future pregnancies. But, I'm ready for the future and I'm just hoping another baby is not that far away.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Kaitlyn's Due Date
Today is May 5, 2009....the day we were supposed to meet Kaitlyn for the first time. But this day was just an ordinary day. Nothing exciting happened. I dropped Chris off at Seneca, had a shower, did the laundry, cleaned, sorted through my clothes so I could give some away to charity, wrote a letter to Kaitlyn, bought a vase and arranged some of Kaitlyn's dried flowers in it, picked up Chris, went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, spent some alone time with Chris thinking about Kaitlyn, watched tv, went through Kaitlyn's belongings and went to bed. There were no monumentous, events. The highlight of my day was receiving flowers from some people who thinking about us on this day. That was really special. I'm glad that I could do some things for Kaitlyn, like the letter, vase, prayer, and looking at her stuff. I wanted to do something special for her today.
I thought this day would be harder than it was. I felt like it should have been a holiday or there should have been something amazing or even a special feeling associated with the day, but there wasn't. The world kept going, people went on with their day. Believe or not, but the thing that really hit me today was that I was supposed to be getting lots of phone calls asking if Kaitlyn had been born yet. The day should have been filled with excitement and anticipation.
At 6:00 Chris and I stopped and said a prayer, thanking God for Kaitlyn and asking that her life would be used to bring glory to Him in some way. The Lord has been with Chris and I on this path, I have found so much comfort in Him. I felt the happiest today when I was listening to worship music in the car on the way to pick up Chris. The Holy Spirit just filled me with so much joy and I just wanted to worship the Lord because He gave us Kaitlyn. That was an amazing feeling...to be happy just to have had the blessing to be with her for 24 weeks.
There are so many things that Chris and I miss...so many firsts that we will never experience; we will never know what her eye or hair colour would be, or what her personality would be like (I bet she would be silly, stubborn, fun-loving, energetic, and creative), but I do have a daughter, I am a mom, I will just get to meet my daughter in Heaven instead of here on Earth.
I thought this day would be harder than it was. I felt like it should have been a holiday or there should have been something amazing or even a special feeling associated with the day, but there wasn't. The world kept going, people went on with their day. Believe or not, but the thing that really hit me today was that I was supposed to be getting lots of phone calls asking if Kaitlyn had been born yet. The day should have been filled with excitement and anticipation.
At 6:00 Chris and I stopped and said a prayer, thanking God for Kaitlyn and asking that her life would be used to bring glory to Him in some way. The Lord has been with Chris and I on this path, I have found so much comfort in Him. I felt the happiest today when I was listening to worship music in the car on the way to pick up Chris. The Holy Spirit just filled me with so much joy and I just wanted to worship the Lord because He gave us Kaitlyn. That was an amazing feeling...to be happy just to have had the blessing to be with her for 24 weeks.
There are so many things that Chris and I miss...so many firsts that we will never experience; we will never know what her eye or hair colour would be, or what her personality would be like (I bet she would be silly, stubborn, fun-loving, energetic, and creative), but I do have a daughter, I am a mom, I will just get to meet my daughter in Heaven instead of here on Earth.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is Kaitlyn's official due date. I know she could have been here a little earlier or later, but that is the day we were supposed to meet her. I have this unsettling feeling in my stomach, like I am nervous about something, but I know there's nothing going on tomorrow. I feel like I've been counting down to this day for so long. It was an excited countdown until January 15, and since then it's been a dreaded countdown. A small piece of me just wants tomorrow to be over, but another part of me doesn't want it to be over, because it's the last piece of my pregnancy.
We have asked family and friends to take a minute at 6:00pm tomorrow to remember Kaitlyn and say a small prayer. It's nice to know that we will all be thinking of her together. We are planning at looking at Kaitlyn's things. I just feel so unsettled, like I'm just not doing enough. It doesn't even come close to what was supposed to happen tomorrow, but at least it's something.
I really have no idea how I will be tomorrow. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.
We have asked family and friends to take a minute at 6:00pm tomorrow to remember Kaitlyn and say a small prayer. It's nice to know that we will all be thinking of her together. We are planning at looking at Kaitlyn's things. I just feel so unsettled, like I'm just not doing enough. It doesn't even come close to what was supposed to happen tomorrow, but at least it's something.
I really have no idea how I will be tomorrow. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.
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