Anger

Through everything, I felt some anger at times over losing Kaitlyn, but I've never experienced anger like I did on Thursday. I accidentally saw a picture of my friend's baby who was due a few weeks after me.....stupid facebook (that's why I don't go on facebook often), and I just lost it. I was so full of anger, I just wanted to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I mean, why did Kaitlyn have to die, why didn't I get to be a part of that wonderful, yet exclusiuve, group called motherhood, why didn't I get to bring home my baby and see her grow, and cuddle with her and see her smile? I've asked" why" throughout our loss so many times, and many times I'm okay with not knowing the answer, but just asking "why" seems to help. I try to be happy for all those women who have babies with no problems, but I'm just so jealous because I was so close to having that as well. I feel like I am deserving, that I've done things right, so why don't I get a baby? Why those other women and not me? When I look at other women, pregnant or with their babies, I ache for Kaitlyn, it's not like I want their babies, I just want my Kaitlyn. I'm sure that one day, I will get to have my baby, but with each month that passes it's just seems like that dream is getting farther away.

I do want to add that when Chris got home that night, the poor guy had to come home to my bad mood. I did give him warning and told him that I was feeling incredibly angry about not having Kaitlyn with us and I apologized and told him that if I happen to say anything mean to him, I'm sorry and I don't mean it. Well, he let me be angry, and he even took me into my bedroom, set up some pillows and let me punch them as hard as I could. It actually helped me feel better, and I didn't say anything mean to my loving husband because he gave me another outlet for my anger. I am so blessed, Chris is the most amazing husband, he exceeds the man of my dreams.

"I'll never not remember you"

So I recently took out Kaitlyn's things again, just to look over and I started reading all the cards that we received after we lost Kaitlyn. It was so wonderful to read over the messages and be reminded of how many people care about Chris, Kaitlyn, and I. I teared up while reading the cards because it bought back some memories, but I'm so glad I kept them. There is comfort in reading those cards. I know that other people have moved on from our loss as there are other important things in their lives, but it was a great reminded of the love we did receive. There's one card in particular that I absolutely love, and it was perfect for the occasion. It has a picture of Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh standing on a wooden bridge looking over a river. The narration on the front of the card reads:

"Christopher Robin?" asked Pooh.

"Yes, Pooh Bear." replied Christopher Robin

"I'll never not remember you." said Pooh to Christopher Robin.

I love that line, "I'll never not remember you." Chris and I like to say that to Kaitlyn when we're looking at her stuff or even if we're talking about her.

I'll never "move on", I keep living life and enjoying what it brings, but I will always remember and think of my Kaitlyn. She's still in my thoughts for most of my days because everything reminds me of her or our dreams and plans for her.

My Birthday

It's my birthday today. I'm turning 29. I usually get pretty excited about my birthday. I like celebrating it and I never minded getting older. But this birthday is different. It was supposed to be a birthday that I got to celebrate with my daughter. I was going to celebrate all the wonderful things that happened during my 28th year, but instead, my birthday is not all that different from last years. To people looking in, my life is pretty much the same, they don't see a baby or mother, but I am a different person. I am a mom, without a baby to hold.

I still want to celebrate my birthday with the people I love. But this birthday is hard because it's not how I had pictured my life to be when I was 29. I was expecting to have someone offer to babysit Kaitlyn for a while so that maybe I could get a spa treatment or something, just to give me some time to myself. But instead, I have too much time to myself. I don't have a baby to care for so I don't need a spa treatment to re-energize. How selfish of me, I just want to spend every single moment with my daughter, how could I even consider wanting to be away from her.

Chris and I just really miss Kaitlyn. We're going to spend time looking at Kaitlyn's stuff today. We are often talking about how old Kaitlyn would be if she was born on her due date and what kinds of things she would be doing. I think he would have gotten me a birthday card and signed Kaitlyn's name on it or maybe put her handprint on it. It's just not fair!! My life was supposed to be so different today.

Spring turns to Summer

I had a fabulous time at Steph's Bachelorette on the weekend. We had a lot of fun. I find that I can enjoy non-baby related events now! Even when Trev, Steph, and I went to a concert there was a pregnant woman in front of me and beside of me. It seems like I'm a magnet of preggies, but I did not cry, I actually enjoyed the concert. I just avoided looking at them as best as I could. I think it helped that I didn't know them as well. Small victories.

However, after I got home from the Bachelorette, I kind of got in a slump. Yet another BFN and AF showed. I think I just felt discouraged and hormonal. The anger and sadness of the loss hit me again, I just felt frustrated. How come it's taking so long? I try to remind myself that I don't know the big picture, only God does and I do trust Him, but I'm like a little kid who wants it now. However, I just have to trust God when He says "not yet" and when I ask "why", I just have to be content with his answer of "Because". I really do put my full trust and faith in Him, but it hurts to be so close to having something so precious and then losing it and not being able to get it back. I know that He is my hope and joy and I can always run back to Him, even after I've thrown my tantrum.

I was talking to Chris and sometimes it feels like time is irrevelant. I can barely even register that we are in summer, to me, I think I'm just stuck in spring. We both feel that our lives have been reset. We're back to where we were a year ago, with a few changes. I'm having a hard time enjoying the passing of time. My birthday is coming up and usually I'm excited about it, but this year, I'm just reminded that I'm turning 29 and instead of having my 2 month old baby Kaitlyn, my arms are empty. I like thinking about what I would be doing with her, but when I am hormonal, it just hurts and I miss her. I want to look forward to events, but all the events we have planned, Kaitlyn was supposed to be there with us, so even those events are reminders of what we lost.

My heart has been hurting these past few days. I'm just really missing being able to take care of my baby today. I wonder what she would be doing. I bet she would be starting to hold up her head and body and even trying to roll over. I would get to hear her giggle when she was being tickled.

Well, onto a new day and after getting all that off my chest, I can lift my voice and thank God for all that He has given me and I will praise Him for He is Good. He has carried me through all of this and He continues to craddle me.