Spring turns to Summer

I had a fabulous time at Steph's Bachelorette on the weekend. We had a lot of fun. I find that I can enjoy non-baby related events now! Even when Trev, Steph, and I went to a concert there was a pregnant woman in front of me and beside of me. It seems like I'm a magnet of preggies, but I did not cry, I actually enjoyed the concert. I just avoided looking at them as best as I could. I think it helped that I didn't know them as well. Small victories.

However, after I got home from the Bachelorette, I kind of got in a slump. Yet another BFN and AF showed. I think I just felt discouraged and hormonal. The anger and sadness of the loss hit me again, I just felt frustrated. How come it's taking so long? I try to remind myself that I don't know the big picture, only God does and I do trust Him, but I'm like a little kid who wants it now. However, I just have to trust God when He says "not yet" and when I ask "why", I just have to be content with his answer of "Because". I really do put my full trust and faith in Him, but it hurts to be so close to having something so precious and then losing it and not being able to get it back. I know that He is my hope and joy and I can always run back to Him, even after I've thrown my tantrum.

I was talking to Chris and sometimes it feels like time is irrevelant. I can barely even register that we are in summer, to me, I think I'm just stuck in spring. We both feel that our lives have been reset. We're back to where we were a year ago, with a few changes. I'm having a hard time enjoying the passing of time. My birthday is coming up and usually I'm excited about it, but this year, I'm just reminded that I'm turning 29 and instead of having my 2 month old baby Kaitlyn, my arms are empty. I like thinking about what I would be doing with her, but when I am hormonal, it just hurts and I miss her. I want to look forward to events, but all the events we have planned, Kaitlyn was supposed to be there with us, so even those events are reminders of what we lost.

My heart has been hurting these past few days. I'm just really missing being able to take care of my baby today. I wonder what she would be doing. I bet she would be starting to hold up her head and body and even trying to roll over. I would get to hear her giggle when she was being tickled.

Well, onto a new day and after getting all that off my chest, I can lift my voice and thank God for all that He has given me and I will praise Him for He is Good. He has carried me through all of this and He continues to craddle me.