Pregnancy joys and worries

It's been a while since I last posted. To be honest, I've been avoiding posting because it always brings up a lot of emotion. I'm now almost 23 weeks pregnant. This past month has been really tough. It was around this time when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn that I noticed I hadn't been feeling her move, but I just believed that it was due to having an anterior placenta. The hormones with pregnancy haven't been helping, but lately I've been thinking a lot about Kaitlyn. Many tears have fallen for her this past month. We still have her picture(s) because I like to remember her, but sometimes they can be hard to look at because there is so much emotion behind them.

We found out the gender of this baby and are excited to find out that it's a boy! Chris and I were shocked when the ultrasound tech told us. We both just expected another girl. I must admit, although I am excited that we are having a boy, there's a part of me that's sad that I'm not having a girl. I had been planning for a girl when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. I had a nursery decorated in my head, I had plans and dreams of mother-daughter stuff. It was just a little hard to switch off that thinking and now start planning for a boy. I'm scared I won't know what to do with a boy. I think having a boy has helped me differentiate between the two pregnancies. Although, I still occasionally think that my due date is May 5th (as it was with Kaitlyn), instead of April 5th. And even when talking about our baby I occasionally slip up and call him "she". When that happens, I feel so guilty because I don't want this baby to think he's second to Kaitlyn or anything. We love this little guy so much!

Although this pregnancy has been going well, I still get quite anxious occasionally. Thankfully, my midwife has allowed me to come in every 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat and between ultrasound and specialist appt's I've has an appt. every week for a while. We have so many ultrasound pictures of our little man; I just wish we had more of Kaitlyn as well. This little guy has been pretty active as well. With Kaitlyn, I only felt a few kicks and I never got to really experience full out movement. With this pregnancy, I'm starting to feel lots of kicks, even though I have an anterior placenta again. Even with the kicks, I still get nervous that something may go wrong. For example, yesterday, our baby was way less active than he was the previous days. I know this is normal, but the worry started to come. Thankfully, I did feel a few kicks.

I've just recently started to actually plan for this baby. Chris and I went to our storage unit and brought out the baby stuff that we had for Kaitlyn. It was hard because Kaitlyn never got to use these items and I still imagine what she would have looked like in her little pick sleeper. But I've even allowed myself to consider registering for baby stuff, and I enjoy looking a baby stuff in the stores. I still get a pang of sadness when we walk by an adorable little dress that would have looked cute on Kaitlyn, but then I look for a cute outfit for a boy.

We still haven't picked out a name yet. I'm so glad we had Kaitlyn's name picked out early because it would have been to hard to think of a name right after she was born. I think Chris and I are both hoping a name will suddenly come to us, which is what happened with Kaitlyn, but I'm beginning to grow impatient because I want to call our baby by name. So I've started a list of names and we'll just pray about it.

I am definitely not naive about pregnancy anymore. Even though I know everything is going well with this pregnancy, I still know what could happen. I'm not blindly blissful through this journey, but I guess it really makes me appreciate this baby as well and even though I can't wait to meet our little guy, I'm taking the time to enjoy each and every kick, because they are so precious. I wish I could have experienced all the pregnancy joys with Kaitlyn, but I'm also glad I get to experience them now. It's still hard to not think about, what could be. Like I could be preparing for my first Christmas with a baby, but instead I'm pregnant for the second Christmas in a row. But this little guy will have his own Christmas tree ornament, just like Kaitlyn. Next Christmas we will be enjoying it with our baby.

Well, now Chris and I are parents of 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl. I just wish they could have known each other and played together. This little man will know that he has an older sister who is loved and missed. At this point, I have been waiting for over a year to hold my new baby in my arms, I've only got to wait another 17 weeks and my dream will finally come true.