Little things

I woke up Sunday morning, feeling pretty good and looking forward to going to church. Chris left early because he was doing a reading and wanted to make sure everything was set up. When I arrived, we were handed the bulletin and found Chris and sat down. I opened the bulletin and I was reading through it when I came to an announcement saying that there was going to be a baby dedication. I didn't think that it would really hit me, but it did. Everytime I thought about the upcoming baby dedication, I started to tear up because all I could picture was our pastor holding Kaitlyn and dedicating her to the Lord while we were in the hospital room. We were also given a baby dedication card. I tried not to think of the dedication they were doing in church, but the family with the baby was sitting across the aisle from us. I kept tearing up, I knew that I might lose it during the dedication and thankfully Chris had an order of service. So right before the dedication began, I snuck out to the bathroom. I was okay, I didn't really cry. When I heard the singing start, I came back in and I was okay through the rest of the service (which was a great service). You just never really know when a grief trigger may come up. I'm glad that I was able to get through that one. I just have to take it one at a time.

Last night, as we were lying in bed, Chris and I held the heart that holds Kaitlyn and we talked about her. A few tears were shed, but we were able to spend time with each other and Kaitlyn and the Lord, which always feel nice. We haven't looked at her stuff in a while, so it was nice. We were together, as a family. I also held Kaitlyn's blanket. I haven't been able to unfold the blanket since we came home from the hospital. I feel like if I leave it folded the way it was in the hospital, it keeps me closer to the time when I got to hold her in that blanket. But yesterday, when I was holding her blanket, I felt for the first time, that it would be okay to re-fold it. I didn't actually unfold the blanket, but I know I could.

Beautiful Day

What a gorgeous day it is! The weather is so warm. Chris and I decided to go on a bike ride. We saw a lot of moms out with their babies. We had a lot of fun, and on the way home, we got a chance to talk about Kaitlyn some more. I love talking about her and the things we would have done with her. This week I was looking in a flyer and I saw baby floaters for the pool. I started thinking about how this summer I would have had Kaitlyn in the pool with me. I would have dipped her feet in the water. What an awesome experience that would have been. We were also thinking that if I was still pregnant, I could have gone into labour at anytime now. Wow! I really miss those experiences. I don't cry everytime we talk about what we would be missing, but I still feel sad. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the "what would have beens", I guess it's because her due date is quickly approaching.

Random thoughts

I thought I would post today because it's been a pretty good day today. I mostly post on days that I'm sad and really missing Kaitlyn because those are the days that I feel like writing. Nothing exciting happened today, but I did get to talk about Kaitlyn with Chris and Stephanie. I still miss her everyday, but today it didn't hurt so much. I did realize that I am exactly 2 weeks away from what would have been my due date. I also briefly went on facebook and I hid the updates from my pregnant friends...which helps a bit. I still find that I am protecting myself.

There was a couple in the room next to us in the hospital when I was being induced. They gave birth to a baby girl. My dad had worked with the husband and knew him quite well. They had been through multiple miscarriages and knew the pain of a second trimester loss. Well, they dropped by a couple days ago, and as soon as I found out they were coming it felt like someone knocked all the air out of me. I couldn't stop crying and I had to stay in my room with Chris until after they left. I'm so happy that they finally have a baby to hold, but I'm just not ready to be around a baby that I closely link to Kaitlyn. I want to hold my baby too!

As the due date approaches, we're still trying to figure out what to do on that day. It's tough because nothing I think of feels right. I should be experiencing a really momentous occasion, so everything else just doesn't feel like enough. My mom is looking for a garden stone for herself and I, which I think is great. I think we will spread the word that we will ask people to stop and say a little prayer or something at a certain time on Kaitlyn's due date. It's kind of a way that we can be together with people who live far away. We still have not decided what to do for Mother's Day yet, but we're taking it one important date at a time.

Missing my daugher

So I had a bit of a rough start yesterday. I've been feeling like I needed a good cry. Over the past few days, tears have just been trickling out at various occasions. I haven't really had the chance to just cry and miss my baby. I was making cupcakes in the kitchen for Trevor (my brother) and Stephanie's Jack and Jill, while my mom and I are talking about this positive antiphospholipid syndrome and future pregnancies and all of a sudden I just start to cry. I cried because I miss Kaitlyn and I should be super pregnant with her right now, I cried because I'm scared of future pregnancies, I cried because a doctor may say we shouldn't ttc for a while, I cried because our plans are so messed up, I cried because the future is scary (jobs), I just really needed to cry. My mom just let me cry, which I needed. We also looked at Kaitlyn's pictures, which helps.

As we're getting closer to Kaitlyn's due date, I just keep missing her more and more. I had a dream where I saw Chris holding Kaitlyn as a newborn baby. She was snuggled up against his chest...it was so beautiful. And my heart ached because he won't get to have that with Kaitlyn.

Later on that morning, I got my first baby related phone call. I guess I had signed up for information on an RESP for Kaitlyn while at I shopping at Thyme Maternity. The woman on the phone was quite nice. She mentioned that she had information on RESPs, but she realizes that I wasn't due until May. I had to cut in and tell her that we had lost our baby. She apologized and tried to give me an encouraging statment. I guess you could say that that was my new loss for that day. Kaitlyn won't have the chance to go to university. I wonder what she would have been when she grew up. Surprisingly, I didn't cry after that phone call, I guess I had gotten out all my tears for that day.

The Jack and Jill went okay. At times it was a bit tough because I should have been quite pregnant and instead of talking about my pregnancy, there was very little talk of Kaitlyn. I did mention our loss to a couple of people but only in passing really. I'm just glad that I did get to sit behind the pop table. I still find large crowds a bit overwhelming, but I was able to just talk to people a few at a time, which was good.

Today, is a better day. I always feel much better after a good cry. It's a good release and cleansing. Plus, the sun is shining. I think I'll take a walk to the library.

Easter

Well, yesterday was Easter Sunday. I honestly didn't know how I was going to be on that day. I started off pretty good, but at church I kind of fell apart. It started with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness....I just really wanted to be holding my giant belly or my baby. The sermon was great. It was titled "It's Not Over", but it began with talking about miracles...Elijah bring a young boy back from the dead, a woman facing certain death becoming healthy, etc. And all I could think about was "why Kaitlyn?" Why wasn't there a miracle for her? Did we not pray hard enough, or believe hard enough? I have thought about these questions before, and sometimes they just pop into my head. Then during the service they had people from the congregation go up on stage. They each held a piece of cardboard that described something difficult they had gone through and what they had learned/where they are now. It was encouraging and I was trying to think about what I have gotten through this journey, but I just broke down into tears. Chris was standing beside me and he was also teary eyed. Then we said a prayer and in this prayer there were "mini-prayers" for different situations, one of those situations was dealing with grief. I prayed that prayer and after the prayer, the pastor called people to the altar to publicly declare the prayer they did. So Chris and I went to the front. The whole time I was fighting back tears. We then sang an upbeat song, which helped. The pastor came over to pray with us at the end of the service. It was such a wonderful prayer. In it, he reminded me that Kaitlyn was getting to celebrate Easter with Jesus! What an awesome picture, to see her at the feet of Jesus, celebrating. The tears came back.

We went to a family party. Which was good. We did an easter egg hunt; I found it fun, yet difficult all at the same time. We left soon after lunch, because my energy was waning, but people understood, I think. Overall, the day was good, but I just really, really missed Kaitlyn that day. Chris and I did get a chance to talk about Kaitlyn which is always comforting, even if there are tears. She's my daughter, and like any mother, I just love to talk about her. Now I just have to be ready for her due date, which was May 5th, and mother's day.

What helps grief

I've been thinking of all the different things that have helped me during my grief. One thing that has helped is validation from others. It helps to know that what I'm feeling is okay. I've gotten a lot of that from Chris. But something that helps my mood is a worship cd that was given to us by Jen, the worship/children's pastor from our church. That has been exactly what I have needed and has helped me climb out of times when I'm am feeling really down. It lets me focus on God, rather than on myself. It reminds me that He is bigger than all of this. There has been one song in particular that has been helpful. It's called "He is Exalted" and it was originally written by Twila Paris. I thought I would include the lyrics as well. I find this to be such a powerful song. One of the things that has continued to bother me is the loss of control that I experienced when I lost Kaitlyn. There is really nothing I could have done. This song reminds me to let go of the control that I seem to want to have over my life, it's such a relief to relinquish that kind of stress and let God be in control.

He is exalted the King is exalted on High
I will praise You
He is exalted forever exalted
And I will praise His name

He is exalted the King is exalted on High
I will praise Him
He is exalted forever exalted
And I will praise His name

He is the Lord
Forever His truth shall reign
Heaven and Earth
Rejoice in His holy name
He is exalted the King is exalted on high

3 steps forward, 2 steps back

So my husband and I went to the Dominican Republic for a vacation at the end of February, beginning of March. It was great to be able to get away, just the two of us, to relax and lie in the sun. It was a bittersweet vacation. I should have been too pregnant to be able to go on vacation, but we did have a great time. We were able to laugh, cry, talk about Kaitlyn and just enjoy our time together as a family.

Anyways, when we returned, I emotionally went downhill. I think coming back to the reality was really hard to take. After a couple of weeks, I started to get better. While I still thought about Kaitlyn all the time, I was happy and able to enjoy more of life. That lasted for a few weeks, when all of a sudden, I'm on the verge of tears most of the time and the smallest thing will set me off. Now that we're in April, I should be in the home stretch. I should be nervous; I should have my hospital bag packed; I should have all our baby stuff ready; I should have all my prenatal classes finished; I should have a huge belly; I should be feeling Kaitlyn move everyday. But instead, I look down and I can see my toes. May isn't full of excitement, it's full of sadness. My due date, mother's day, events where I should have Kaitlyn with me are all reminders of what we've lost.

I know that grief is not linear. It's so true, in your grief journey it sometimes feels like you're taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I'm thankful for a wonderful, supporting husband. He allows me to feel what I feel, without judgement. He is a safe place for me to go to when I need it.

We just went to our 6th Griefshare session at church. The topic was "Why". What was great, was being reminded that God doesn't mind it if we ask Him "why did this happen". My "why" questions have been: "Why didn't You step in and stop this. You could have saved Kaitlyn so easily." and "Why us. There are so many people who get pregnant and don't want to be pregnant, or they don't care and put their baby at risk by smoking, drinking, etc. while pregnant. We really wanted and loved Kaitlyn, so why did we lose her?" As wonderful as my husband is, I am so thankful to have a loving God who is everything. He is whatever I need, when I need it. Right now, He is my father, my counsellor, my comforter, my Prince of Peace, my friend, my Lord. I love that I can be honest with Him. That I can ask Him any question, that I can be angry with Him. I love that I can't hide from Him. He may not answer my questions, but would I really want to worship a God who I could understand? My mind is so small, if I could understand Him, than He really wouldn't be worth much. I can totally trust Him because He is trustworthy and faithful.He lets me cry, scream, sleep, laugh, rest, and do whatever else I need to do. But He is with me through it all.

Another thing that I find comforting is something that my Pastor told us. God didn't take Kaitlyn from us. He doesn't want to see us in pain. We live in a sinful, imperfect world and death is a part of this world. God did know that this would happen to us and He has been preparing Chris and I and our families for this time. He surrounded us with love and support to help us through this. And I know that He will somehow use this situation for His good. And the exciting thing is that one day, we will see death die. There will be no more death!!! Jesus has already conquered death and through Jesus, there is life waiting for me beyond death. Although Kaitlyn is gone, she is living with Jesus. Soon after we lost Kaitlyn, God reminded me that the same arms that hold Kaitlyn are also the the arms that are holding us.

This post is all over the place. I didn't meant to ramble on as I did, but these thoughts just popped into my head. Boy, this post took quite a turn. Here's proof that grief is a unique journey. I've just had one more step forward.