Easter

Well, yesterday was Easter Sunday. I honestly didn't know how I was going to be on that day. I started off pretty good, but at church I kind of fell apart. It started with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness....I just really wanted to be holding my giant belly or my baby. The sermon was great. It was titled "It's Not Over", but it began with talking about miracles...Elijah bring a young boy back from the dead, a woman facing certain death becoming healthy, etc. And all I could think about was "why Kaitlyn?" Why wasn't there a miracle for her? Did we not pray hard enough, or believe hard enough? I have thought about these questions before, and sometimes they just pop into my head. Then during the service they had people from the congregation go up on stage. They each held a piece of cardboard that described something difficult they had gone through and what they had learned/where they are now. It was encouraging and I was trying to think about what I have gotten through this journey, but I just broke down into tears. Chris was standing beside me and he was also teary eyed. Then we said a prayer and in this prayer there were "mini-prayers" for different situations, one of those situations was dealing with grief. I prayed that prayer and after the prayer, the pastor called people to the altar to publicly declare the prayer they did. So Chris and I went to the front. The whole time I was fighting back tears. We then sang an upbeat song, which helped. The pastor came over to pray with us at the end of the service. It was such a wonderful prayer. In it, he reminded me that Kaitlyn was getting to celebrate Easter with Jesus! What an awesome picture, to see her at the feet of Jesus, celebrating. The tears came back.

We went to a family party. Which was good. We did an easter egg hunt; I found it fun, yet difficult all at the same time. We left soon after lunch, because my energy was waning, but people understood, I think. Overall, the day was good, but I just really, really missed Kaitlyn that day. Chris and I did get a chance to talk about Kaitlyn which is always comforting, even if there are tears. She's my daughter, and like any mother, I just love to talk about her. Now I just have to be ready for her due date, which was May 5th, and mother's day.