Missing my daugher

So I had a bit of a rough start yesterday. I've been feeling like I needed a good cry. Over the past few days, tears have just been trickling out at various occasions. I haven't really had the chance to just cry and miss my baby. I was making cupcakes in the kitchen for Trevor (my brother) and Stephanie's Jack and Jill, while my mom and I are talking about this positive antiphospholipid syndrome and future pregnancies and all of a sudden I just start to cry. I cried because I miss Kaitlyn and I should be super pregnant with her right now, I cried because I'm scared of future pregnancies, I cried because a doctor may say we shouldn't ttc for a while, I cried because our plans are so messed up, I cried because the future is scary (jobs), I just really needed to cry. My mom just let me cry, which I needed. We also looked at Kaitlyn's pictures, which helps.

As we're getting closer to Kaitlyn's due date, I just keep missing her more and more. I had a dream where I saw Chris holding Kaitlyn as a newborn baby. She was snuggled up against his chest...it was so beautiful. And my heart ached because he won't get to have that with Kaitlyn.

Later on that morning, I got my first baby related phone call. I guess I had signed up for information on an RESP for Kaitlyn while at I shopping at Thyme Maternity. The woman on the phone was quite nice. She mentioned that she had information on RESPs, but she realizes that I wasn't due until May. I had to cut in and tell her that we had lost our baby. She apologized and tried to give me an encouraging statment. I guess you could say that that was my new loss for that day. Kaitlyn won't have the chance to go to university. I wonder what she would have been when she grew up. Surprisingly, I didn't cry after that phone call, I guess I had gotten out all my tears for that day.

The Jack and Jill went okay. At times it was a bit tough because I should have been quite pregnant and instead of talking about my pregnancy, there was very little talk of Kaitlyn. I did mention our loss to a couple of people but only in passing really. I'm just glad that I did get to sit behind the pop table. I still find large crowds a bit overwhelming, but I was able to just talk to people a few at a time, which was good.

Today, is a better day. I always feel much better after a good cry. It's a good release and cleansing. Plus, the sun is shining. I think I'll take a walk to the library.