3 steps forward, 2 steps back

So my husband and I went to the Dominican Republic for a vacation at the end of February, beginning of March. It was great to be able to get away, just the two of us, to relax and lie in the sun. It was a bittersweet vacation. I should have been too pregnant to be able to go on vacation, but we did have a great time. We were able to laugh, cry, talk about Kaitlyn and just enjoy our time together as a family.

Anyways, when we returned, I emotionally went downhill. I think coming back to the reality was really hard to take. After a couple of weeks, I started to get better. While I still thought about Kaitlyn all the time, I was happy and able to enjoy more of life. That lasted for a few weeks, when all of a sudden, I'm on the verge of tears most of the time and the smallest thing will set me off. Now that we're in April, I should be in the home stretch. I should be nervous; I should have my hospital bag packed; I should have all our baby stuff ready; I should have all my prenatal classes finished; I should have a huge belly; I should be feeling Kaitlyn move everyday. But instead, I look down and I can see my toes. May isn't full of excitement, it's full of sadness. My due date, mother's day, events where I should have Kaitlyn with me are all reminders of what we've lost.

I know that grief is not linear. It's so true, in your grief journey it sometimes feels like you're taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I'm thankful for a wonderful, supporting husband. He allows me to feel what I feel, without judgement. He is a safe place for me to go to when I need it.

We just went to our 6th Griefshare session at church. The topic was "Why". What was great, was being reminded that God doesn't mind it if we ask Him "why did this happen". My "why" questions have been: "Why didn't You step in and stop this. You could have saved Kaitlyn so easily." and "Why us. There are so many people who get pregnant and don't want to be pregnant, or they don't care and put their baby at risk by smoking, drinking, etc. while pregnant. We really wanted and loved Kaitlyn, so why did we lose her?" As wonderful as my husband is, I am so thankful to have a loving God who is everything. He is whatever I need, when I need it. Right now, He is my father, my counsellor, my comforter, my Prince of Peace, my friend, my Lord. I love that I can be honest with Him. That I can ask Him any question, that I can be angry with Him. I love that I can't hide from Him. He may not answer my questions, but would I really want to worship a God who I could understand? My mind is so small, if I could understand Him, than He really wouldn't be worth much. I can totally trust Him because He is trustworthy and faithful.He lets me cry, scream, sleep, laugh, rest, and do whatever else I need to do. But He is with me through it all.

Another thing that I find comforting is something that my Pastor told us. God didn't take Kaitlyn from us. He doesn't want to see us in pain. We live in a sinful, imperfect world and death is a part of this world. God did know that this would happen to us and He has been preparing Chris and I and our families for this time. He surrounded us with love and support to help us through this. And I know that He will somehow use this situation for His good. And the exciting thing is that one day, we will see death die. There will be no more death!!! Jesus has already conquered death and through Jesus, there is life waiting for me beyond death. Although Kaitlyn is gone, she is living with Jesus. Soon after we lost Kaitlyn, God reminded me that the same arms that hold Kaitlyn are also the the arms that are holding us.

This post is all over the place. I didn't meant to ramble on as I did, but these thoughts just popped into my head. Boy, this post took quite a turn. Here's proof that grief is a unique journey. I've just had one more step forward.