A hard day

It's beautiful and sunny out and unfortunately, my mood doesn't reflect this gorgeous weather. Today, it not a good day for me. AF showed today, and that is always a downer. It only reminds me that I'm not pregnant, and I don't have a baby to hold. Every time she shows, I feel like I'm getting further and further away from every having kids. Plus, I'm emotional during this time, which doesn't help. Lately it seems that AF always corresponds with bridal showers, so I'm just a big emotional mess and it take a lot of effort just to hold it together and be happy for everyone around me. I had an okay cry today. My heart felt like it was aching. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears, but I can't let them out because I people think I shouldn't be crying like this anymore. But when do you ever stop crying over the loss of your child. Yes, each crying session may become further apart, but you will never stop crying for your child. When I look around at the family I will have someday, I will be happy to be blessed with them, but I will also ache a little because my family is missing one of it's members. Oh, how I miss Kaitlyn so much today! It's a beautiful day to take a baby for a walk, but I just don't feel like going out. I will go to the store, but only because I have to.

I just long to feel a life inside me, my arms ache to hold my baby. Chris did remind me that my hope and joy is not in having a baby, but is in the Lord. How true that is! But it still hurts, and I still get disappointed, and I still miss her so much.

I'm just hoping and praying that I will be able to hold it together this weekend.