Do you have any kids?

So I finally used a gift certificate I had for a manicure/pedicure that I got for Christmas. I had been saving it because I wanted to use it after Kaitlyn was born, but since we lost her, I hadn't been able to actually bring myself to use it. It was about to expire, so I made an appointment for a manicure and massage. It was actually nice to get something done for myself.

While I was getting my nails done the manicurist and I were talking. Of course, kids came up in conversation and she asked if I had any kids yet. It is a seemingly innocent question, but to someone who has lost a child, especially had a miscarriage or stillborn, it is an agonizing question. Do I answer honestly and say I have a child in Heaven, which quickly makes a nice conversation awkward, but it allows me to acknowledge my child. Or do you say, "not yet, but hopefully we will soon.", which allows the conversation to keep going, but makes you feel guilty afterwards. This has happened twice so far. While I was at a spa in Wawa, the pedicurist asked if I had any kids and I told her that we did have a daughter who was stillborn in my 6th month of pregnancy. Of course, she said the obligatory "I'm sorry", which I do appreciate hearing. So I went on to say that we are doing alright, we have lots of support, and we do hope to expand our family in the near future. The conversation did take a little stumble, but I was able to ask her a question to change topics, which helped. At the spa this week, when I was asked the same question, I didn't want pour out my heart to this manicurist, so I paused for a few moments, weighed my options, and I chose option #2 and said we don't have kids yet, but we hope to soon. The conversation kept moving easily from there, but I was racked with guilt. I just denied my daughter's existence. After answering the same, difficult question 2 different ways, I will often answer that question by saying that we have a child in heaven and we hope to expand our family soon. I will then go on to change the subject if I need to, or the person may have questions or may relate to my story. It will allow me to acknowledge my daughter, who will always be an important member of our family.