Tomorrow I'll be 35 weeks pregnant...only 5 weeks to go! I'm getting so excited to meet my little boy, but as I get closer to my due date, I'm missing Kaitlyn more and more. Lately, I've been feeling like I haven't been giving her any attention. Her little box is on my nightstand and I have to say her name out loud, just to remind myself that I also have a daughter. She seems to be getting further away from me, and it makes me so sad. Today, I had an overwhelming need to look at her pictures. The ones that were taken at the hospital. I wanted to look at her beautiful face and tiny hands. We have some pictures of us holding her up in our bedroom, but I needed to see her actual face. I needed that reminder that she was here.
My aunts and my mom threw me a wonderful baby shower a few weeks ago. I was so excited about that shower. It was such a huge milestone in this pregnancy and there were so many people there to share my joy with. I had such a great time and Matthew got lots of great stuff. I can't wait to dress him in the little outfits he got. A piece of me missed seeing little girl dresses and pink decorations. It was another event that I never got to share with Kaitlyn.
I must admit, there still is some guilt when I miss Kaitlyn. I want her here with me, but I also want my little boy Matthew here too. Why can't I have both of them? Lately, I have been getting some baby items off of craigslist for Matthew. So, of course, whenever I meet up with someone to purchase and item, they always ask if this is my first. I've taken to saying "yes", since I'm only there for a couple of minutes, but I still dread that question and I still feel a stab in my heart whenever I answer with "yes". I just want to keep Kaitlyn's memory alive.
Taking the time to look at Kaitlyn's pictures and talking about her, definitely helps. I just miss my beautiful girl so much and as the memories become a bit foggier, I just want to hold on tighter to what I have of her. I never want to forget my first born baby. I miss her so much!
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