January 15th

One year ago today, my world came crashing down. I had my 24 week appt. with my midwife at 9:30am. I remember I hadn't been feeling movement, but I had blamed it on having an anterior placenta. The appt. went well, until they tried to find Kaitlyn's heartbeat. It was silent. I couldn't hear the distinct thumping of Kaitlyn's heart as I had at previous appt's. I'm so glad Chris was with me. I was staring at the ceiling, praying that they would find her heartbeat. An appt. was made to get an ultrasound at 4 pm that day. So Chris and I headed home. I was in tears, but Chris was hopeful that everything would be okay. As soon as I walked in the door, I burst into tears and hugged my mom and told her they couldn't find an heartbeat. My midwife called and told me to go straight to the hospital because it would be agony to wait until 4pm. I remember arriving at the hospital with Chris. The midwife met us there and hooked up a fetal monitor, but all we could hear was my own heartbeat, Kaitlyn's was silent. I had an ultrasound scheduled for 1pm, but the midwife was able to get the oncall OB to bring in a portable ultrasound machine. My mom, dad, and pastor came in before the ultrasound machine arrived. Well, he put that jelly on my stomach and we saw my beautiful Kaitlyn, and we could see her heart, and it was still. We all knew it was over. And the OB said those fateful words...."There's her heartsac, but unfortunately, it's not beating. " It confirmed what I already knew, but was denying. Chris and I held each other and cried. I think everyone else in the room cried along with us.

That was the worst moment of my life. I went down for the ultrasound at 1pm and my midwife came with me. The ultrasound tech was quiet and took all the necessary measurements. I wish I had asked to see her on the screen, but I didn't think I could handle it again. My midwife said that according to the measurements Kaitlyn had passed away a couple weeks ago. I didn't want to know exactly when, because I knew I would replay those days over and over again in my head and try to see if I could have done something different.

We made arrangements to come back the following day to be induced. When we got home, I was numb. I just sat in an armchair in a haze. Then Trevor came home and I had to tell him we lost Kaitlyn. Everyone watched a movie that night as a distraction, but I know I couldn't focus on it. Before bed, I had to pack my hospital bag...14 weeks earlier than I had planned to. I laid in bed that night, praying for a miracle, holding Kaitlyn inside me, not wanting to let her go. I don't think I slept more then 2 hours that night.The next morning we went to the hospital to be induced.

The memory of that day is so clear. I try not to think about the details, because it is too painful. I can still hear the sound of the doppler and fetal monitor. I remember the feeling like my world was over. My dream was gone.

I've been so nervous about these 3 days. Jan 15th - Jan. 17th. I can't believe it's been a whole year. It sure doesn't feel like it. I still miss her so much everyday. I still think about her daily. I'm enjoying life again, but I still feel as though a piece of me is missing. I still feel the pain of losing my child, but it doesn't consume me anymore. I'm excited to be expecting our son in April and I've loved getting his nursery ready. I've been going through the baby items that were given to us when we were pregnant with Kaitlyn. There's lots of stuff that we can use with our boy, but there are a few pink items that I won't get to use. I pick up her stuffed animal and give it a hug almost everyday. There are some things that will always be just for her.